Life got really busy for about 3 or 4 weeks, as it will do. 3 kids and 90 hour work weeks will take a lot out of you. I stayed on plan with my eating and upped my calories and carbs to reflect the increase in activity. Kept things pretty simple and added extra veggies, fruit,yogurt and the occasional bowl of oats. The seemingly never ending virus/flu hit me in the middle of the last week of working too many hours. I forced down as many whole foods as I could and even did OK with some OJ (first time in over 4 years) as I was too sick to even want to eat. And was still putting in 12 hour work days. I got myself so far in ketosis that I was forcing food down. A one week lay off at work for computer updates couldn't have come at a better time. I spent the week mostly resting and trying to fight off that virus. But even laying around all day I quickly dropped to 120. And I still had no desire to eat, but was getting in my minimum of 1500 calories. Mostly through high protien and fat combinations.
My plan was to increase the vegetable carbs by adding in a little higher carb ones, add some fruits and a little whole grains to kick start the old appitite.
While shopping for the fresh fruit and vegetables, I discovered sugar free, carb free chocolate dip.
Now I KNOW, that with very few exceptions, my body does not tolerate processed crap of any kind. Even with this knowlege I decided it'd be Ok for me to just try it. I had 5 pounds I needed to put back on anyway. So I had "wiggle" room to experiment. HA! I was in no way prepared for the effect that little jar of dip would have on me. One week, 6 pounds up, 2.5 inches on my waist and 3/4 a jar later. I have a sever case of the munchies. I can't seem to fill up at all. I'm grouchy as all get out. I even yelled at the cat yesterday! My co-workers want to know if I'm OK. If I hear them ask me what's wrong one more time, I might start yelling at them. Thankfully my kids are old enough to understand the words please just leave me alone, I'm in a mood and I don't know why. They've pretty much stayed out of my way for fear I'd go off on them next. (with the exception of my oldest telling me to get the heck out of the kitchen already)
15 minutes after lunch today, I was already planning what I could stuff myself with when I got home. I haven't done that in years! My mind was racing all over the place with ways I could "legally" concoct some junk. Of course it was going to involve that chocolate.
Call me a little slow, but I'd been blaming all "this" on horamones, stress and getting over the virus. I don't know who I thought I was fooling with that BS. The only "logical" answer is the chemical goodie in my frig.

The menu for the next 2 days is planned and in the frig. And if I need a distraction from the munchies, I'll work on the rest of the weeks menu.

I had almost forgotten what it felt like to be over obsesed with food. I haven't had much of anything call my name in a while. The "diet" was a no brainer. Just something I did. I knew what I could and couldn't eat and I stuck to that with no major problems. I didn't even have to use fitday on a daily basis to keep on course.

I'll be back in a couple days to report how the detoxing from chemical crap goes.
----------
Christina
hw 264+ 1-16-04
gw 125 3-06
today 126

Well, a couple days have passed. How's the detox going Christina?

Adele (144 this morning)
----------
168/140, Size 16/8
Lowcarbing 11+ years
Maintaining at goal 8+ years
Moderator/Owner
adele@leadwiththediet.com

This may be the second hardest fight back I've had since I started this journey. And if logic or shoulds played any part in it, it would have been the easiest one to fight back from. It was a little bit of chemical crap, not a full or partial sugar and/or wheat binge I was trying to recover from. I feel like I'm fighting not only the food induced dragon but also an emotional one.

On Monday I found myself standing infront of the kids food cabinet looking for something to just give in with. Somewhere in that few minutes of taking inventory of my choices I realized there wasn't a thing in there that was going to make me feel better or make this any easier. So I grabbed a cup of coffee, told my daughter to quit laughing at me and found a movie to distract me.

Sunday and today were my best days out of the 5. And I was doing housework on both days, real and inner. Funny how those two seem to go hand in hand with me. Maybe I'll end up with an organized home when I'm through with this. I have plenty still to keep me busy till I start my work week on Friday. Atleast I know Fri thru Sunday will be relatively easy days. I'll only be able to eat what I pack in my lunch box for the 13 hours I'm at work. By the time I get home I'll be to tired to do more than heat and eat what I have ready in the frig.

I got my transfer from early first shift (Monday thru Thursday on 10 hour days) to Weekend Shift (Friday to Sunday) on Monday so I've had seven strait days with not enough to keep me occupied. After 6 months of 70-90 hour weeks between my two jobs, to the lack of work and being down to one job the last couple of weeks has taught me something. I don't do so well with lots of empty time. I'm going to have to learn how to better deal with that in the future. Especially if I'm going to be off work for 4 days a week until I find a part time job to fill up the kids school hours till summer. Where I hope to be able to afford to just work my weekend shift job and dedicate those 4 days to being with my kids and having some fun.
My work time/parenting time/me time has been very unbalanced the last few months. That's the reason for the shift change and looking for the new part time job. (these changes are a part of the emotional crap I'm obviously not dealing too well with. But are much needed and the best for everyone in the long run)

On the upside of things, I'm back to my normal temperment. And I have good for me, heat and eat foods thawing in the frig for tomorrow.

I'm slowly crawling back to solid ground and loosing the feeling of hopelessness and helplessness that was starting to settle in. (had settled in?)
This is my life, I can/do choose to take control of it and make the choices and take the steps to improve the parts I don't like. Sometimes those are small baby steps when I'd prefer to leep right ahead, but we can't always just jump right where we want to be. And this is where I need to remind myself that it's a process/journey and as long as I keep moving forward with some regularity that I will make it. Step by step and putting first things first my life will be where it's ment to be.
----------
Christina
hw 264+ 1-16-04
gw 125
today 127

It feels really good to have things back under control. But I'll feel even better when a couple of weeks have passed and I'm well out of this.
----------
Christina
hw 264+ 1-16-04
gw 125
today 123

This may be the second hardest fight back I've had since I started this journey.

Just how many fights back have you had? Does your definition of a “fight back” include trying to pull yourself back after total off-plan eating (especially grains, sugar and/or lowcarb crap), or merely gently tweaking an always-legal just slightly off-kilter diet? I honestly don’t know the answer to that since you haven’t been here for a long time now, but I’m gonna guess, based on your history before getting to goal, and continue here on the (perhaps incorrect) assumption that it’s the former. If it is the latter, to me the response would essentially be the same anyway, it’s just that the changes facing you would be a whole lot less overwhelming and dramatic.

To me the bigger question here—not just for you Christina, but really for anyone who is struggling as hard (and as long!) as you have to stay with this—is how much longer will you be willing—and able—to continue putting yourself and your body (not to mention the people close to you) through your back-and-forth bargaining and all the resulting drama?

Aren’t you attempting to fight with a brick wall? Trying to fight the bottom-line, non-negotiable truth that your body can’t take this, that as much as you don’t WANT it to be true, every one of your fights has had a cumulative effect on your body/metabolism, and that all the fighting is slowly draining on your body and your spirit? Have you considered that your body and your longer-term resolve weakens and wearies a little more with each round you put yourself through? (If I am remembering correctly, you’re also a smoker; if so, there’s another drain on your precious body.)

My long-term observation as a more than 11-year participant with online lowcarbers, is that this “maintenance style”, over time, is exhausting and eventually self-extinguishing. Most will give it up quickly and disappear, but there are a few “stronger” ones who proclaim that they will “never give up the fight.” And yet I have observed that sooner or later those folks almost always do give up that fight. As you’ve probably seen me observe before, the longest I’ve seen anyone be able to maintain that exhausting bargaining-dance is somewhere between the second and third year after reaching goal. According to your dates, you are just this month beginning year #3 of maintenance.

Have you perhaps returned here because you are beginning to feel the deeper, longer-term fatigue of that dance? If so, I think it’s serious Christina, Really Serious especially if you have been going on and off plan, and not just gently testing. Re-addicted people who do that continuously seem to get down to 1) choosing between what their addicted selves conceive of as impossible (staying on an abstinent plan and letting that slowly, quietly, gently lead them to a quieter pattern of strength and eventually peace and Surrender) or 2) the sad, default choice to just let “the inevitable” go ahead and happen. OWTHIMAW. The place where all the king’s horses and all the king’s men finally can’t put Humpty back together again.

I think that trying to bargain (initially or incessantly) away from no-cheat abstinence and surrender—the place where you are (again?) and Laina now sits for the first time in this round of her own weight loss life/journey—is an unwillingness (refusal), based mostly on fear of the unknown, to take this journey to the next—and I think final, albeit the scariest, level. I think that when we decide to keep using food, we keep the door to our emotional basement—where all our inner pain and inconsistencies live—locked down tight, because we can’t bear to even think about that, and if/when all that starts trying to bubble up, our urge is to eat until the cover is weighted back down. That takes a lot of fun, noisy, distracting food! And then that makes our weight loss efforts go kablooey. (again?) And then we’re lathering, rinsing…

Whether you’ve been gently testing or ricocheting on and off plan, could it finally be time to get “sober” and stay that way? Perhaps I'm wrong, but I’m thinking you wouldn’t be here if your way has been working for you honey. If you’re finally ready to choose the abstinent path, this time when the urge to medicate returns (as it always will), you can make the choice to face your stuff instead of stuffing your face. Go ahead, when you’re food-sober, find some good professional help to begin facing what’s in your basement (it won’t kill you, I promise), and begin changing for good the patterns that keep you going round and round your exhausting mulberry bush.

Let us know what you decide, okay?

With love (honest!),
Adele
(142 this morning)

(P.S.: with your history, I would not “add some fruits and a little whole grains to kick start the old appetite.” Ever considered that the appetite can and will start itself without kicking? That the gentleness of time, patience and some higher carb vegetables—like carrots, yams and winter squashes, if necessary—can quietly do the job?)

----------
168/140, Size 16/8
Lowcarbing 11+ years
Maintaining at goal 8+ years
Moderator/Owner
adele@leadwiththediet.com

Last Edited on 20-Mar-2008 12:10 PM

I'll start with the smoking. I had gotten that down to a pack a day(from 3) with little effort and was on my way to cutting it even further. But not only am I a stress eater, I'm a stress smoker. So right now my smoking less has been put on hold while I deal with getting the food back in line.

I don't know that my falls and bargaining have made my resolve weaker. Maybe I just can't see it though. But I am drained in more areas than one.

The first year or so I bargained with wraps and french fries. But I wanted to loose so that's as far as I usually went. Second year I had to give up dairy. And I was at the point of surrendering to it or just surrendering all together. I gave it up kicking and screaming. And it took a long time to get it out of my diet. With the exception of off plan binges, which started about the same time I tried getting that out of my diet.
I tried supper clean eating and was in shock at how fast those last pounds came off. Pre-maintenance took about a week or two (if I remember right)
That's were a little too much knowledge of how clean eating worked played into another cycle. I now had the answer to getting off 10 pounds in under a week. Just about the amount of weight I gain after a day or two binge of off plan foods.
I did OK with that and only had to resort to it a couple of times until Oct 2006. I remember the month because it was the last time I saw anything under 127 for almost a year. It must be my bodies natural low point, I assured myself. Periods of clean eating followed by an emotional binge that seemed to come every 3-6 weeks became a cycle. Where my weight bounced up and down from 127 to as high as 140 before I'd get disgusted enough to pull it back together.
Those binges continued until I had a friend point out that I shouldn't call them that. "It's just the way you eat. So quit calling it a binge." That was something to think about. Was it how I ate? YEP, he was right on the money. It was a pattern for sure. So I decided that I wasn't doing anymore of those. Of course Thanksgiving and Christmas came and I planned every morsel of what I was going to eat and even planned the recovery. Which went just fine because it wasn't an emotional one. (I know....)
On Jan. 2 I was walking through the kitchen. My daughter was standing at the counter eating her birthday cake, and I reached out and snagged a bite with no thought. And as I was swallowing that bite. I realized I had to stop this.
What was I doing? I don't eat cake! Did I really want to start this cycle AGAIN?
I haven't touched wheat/sugar/cheese since. But here I am, not even 3 months into that choice and I'm struggling even without having them.
I'm more balanced out than the first post.(The physical cravings are gone) But I'm an emotional mess. I'm still fighting the urge to eat it down. Some days I do better than others. Legal over eating doesn't have the same after effects but it still has an effect.
Knowing why the urge is there doesn't make this easier.
I call these days "fat days". Took me a while to dig inside and figure out what that meant to me. Basically feeling the way I did when I was fat. And that's when I want to return to my old habits.
It's not a pretty place. It's where standing on your own is too much. Being emotionally starved and bankrupt hurts.
Stuffing it down with food makes it easy to redirect the focus to getting back in recovery mode. Don't have to deal with the pain and emptiness that way.
Take away that mode and add in a whole bunch of quiet free time. Got lots and lots bubbling up over here.
With the exception of my children and my mom, my life's pretty empty. The last few years spent trying to support and raise those children on my own. Not much time there to build friendships. Before that a marriage that was hell and made my world a very small place. A small world is what I've known for so long, I don't really know how to enlarge it. But I'm trying. It isn't easy letting people in or asking for help when it's been just yourself for so long.

Professional help? Probably a good idea. Not any room in the budget for it and I don't know that they can tell me anything I don't know. Applying it is the problem. Knowing and doing are two different things.
I went to a professional once. She put me on medication. After about a month on those I was beyond depressed and was ready to check out of life altogether. She added a new medication to go with that one since it wasn't working. When I actually was coming up with "logical" good ways to go about that, I decided to chuck the pills and the professional. And started taking steps to build the life I wanted. It's not an easy road. And I'm nowhere near it, but I am making progress. It's times like now when I've had a set back in that road, that I feel the hopelessness of it all, that I truly struggle. Logically, I know things will move forward again. But sometimes I get so tired of fighting it(all of life) on my own.

I guess I'm posting here as a way to reach out for extra strength on the diet front. The AOL board is nothing but struggling goalies and struggling OWLers that have been there as long as me or longer. I've seen countless people I looked up to for inspiration fall off and never hear from them again. Image my surprise when I read your post about being at the high end and being too busy for food logging. My reaction to all of this was "is anyone not struggling right now?" The queen of low carb clean eating is even struggling with the scale and making excuses. The up side was that I wasn't alone in this battle. The down side being that I truly realized that the battle of the bulge never really ends for most. Maybe that's not such a bad realization though.
I don't want to be part of the 95% who throw it all away. That's just not an option I want to consider. But I know I could be just one thoughtless, compulsive bite to being that statistic.

I've thought of taking the fruit, small amount of grains, and few processed foods I still eat out of my diet. But I know it'll send the scale plummiting under goal. Which seems to freak me out as much as being over goal. And I feel the need to correct it. (why? I don't know)Maybe I should put the scale away until I have a good foundation of clean eating under way? A better choice would probably be to keep the scale and just decide to let the weight fall where it will, without correcting the underage. Or maybe over cleaning up the diet would just be another form of distraction that kept me from the real issues. I don't know.

Anyway, one big ramble, but that's where I'm at. Floundering around, trying to find my balance on the edge of this very slippery slope. And the only answer is to decide to get it together once and for all.

----------
Christina
hw 264+ 1-16-04
gw 125
today 125

Yes. We addicts find quiet disquieting. And you’ve built yourself an effective pattern for keeping out the quiet, no question. You keep getting to the quiet place and—ALMOST without realizing it—you get jittery, scared, and you bolt back to the “safety” of food, right? (That certainly was me, anyway, until age 48 when I finally stopped waggling on the diet.)

Christina honey, I’m pretty sure what you’re feeling is not emotionally starved or bankrupt; I’m pretty sure it’s just the opposite. If you’re like I was—and the few others I’ve been able to usher to and through this stage—you’re mostly overfull of difficult, scary, mostly negative emotions that long ago you began stuffing for who-knows-what reason(s). Every time we get our weight off (and don’t have that weight problem/project on the “top on our list”), well, what I realize now from the advantage of hindsight, is that I was REALLY feeling on the verge of some kind of frightening overflow that I didn’t exactly know was there; also I naively (dramatically, selfishly??) thought that I must be the only one who ever had this inner drama and insanity going on. I call that the coming undone place now, and I’ve talked about it on a lot of the threads here.

All it turned out to be was that I was never taught, or I never learned how, to maturely, adeptly (for lack better words) handle—that is, calmly examine, process and then mostly just let gently dissipate—big feelings, especially ambivalent or negative ones. I think there were several reasons for my never having learned this, but those reasons don’t, and never will, matter. I just hadn’t learned that simple, basic human SKILL.

Is this ringing true? Aren’t you just instinctively fearing an inner dam breaking that you don’t think you’ll be able to handle? Emotions aren’t like clutter, they can’t be hoarded or shelved. They’re like water: they’ve got to go somewhere, got to move on through or they collect and stagnate into a cesspool that, over time, gets increasingly daunting—and draining—to contain.

But as long as you lather, rinse, repeat, you don’t have to face those secrets you’re working so hard to keep from yourself. You only have to deal with the pesky consequences of weight gain and the physical and emotional tolls it extracts from you trying to avoid/suppress it all. It’s not impossible to live forever in your pattern, although my observation (yours too?—you’ve been online a long long time) is that it’s extremely unlikely you’ll remain so close to goal weight much longer, the most common pattern seems to be that folks relapse further back with each fall until they just give up for longer and longer periods. In this culture, we can all “get by” this way. We don’t HAVE to change this. Eventually, I imagine, we reach a point where it’s too late to bother.

If you are to take this to the final step, to some eventual (IMPERFECT!) resolution and peace instead of turning round and round the same mulberry bush, in my opinion you’re going to have to go where you’ve been avoiding all this time, you’ll have to begin going Into the Pain.

Good professional help (which, I grant you, can be challenging to find) is probably the most efficient, effective way to muddle through this. I’ll reluctantly set aside your “no I can’t afford professional help, besides I tried that once and it was terrible” attitude for now, but please remember there’s nothing stopping you from setting parameters on your search for a counselor such as “I’m not interested in exploring medications right now, I’m here to explore my addictive behavior; if that’s not something you are able to help me with, thanks anyway; I’ll just keep looking." And for what it’s worth, you’d be seeking someone with expertise with “cognitive behavioral therapy.”

MAYBE you can do all—or a good bit—of this yourself; I did. I just later had some therapy and found myself saying why in the world did I wait so long for that? If you want to try it the DIY way, I’d suggest beginning by gathering your food-sober self together and “busy your body” something like some long walks alone, maybe with music—especially country music because the music and lyrics are simple and I think they help yank the feelings and stuff out. Plus, we can’t eat when we’re walking! Once you’re into the groove of that, and you’re not bingeing, something will probably eventually come out and you can proceed calmly down into that inner cellar and begin to see what’s there. (Read my post of August 16 to Suzi for a little more about my own experience with this, as well as my exchanges with Arlene, especially since August 29. I also discuss this process a little in Dang That Dr. Phil).

Again, a trained therapist who knows how to do this with you is the far better way. But either way, I can almost promise you, no matter what all it might be, it’s not as horrific as you fear; whatever is in there, it can’t hurt grown-up you anymore. There is nothing inside you that is bigger—or stronger—than you are.

Anyway, one big ramble, but that's where I'm at. Floundering around, trying to find my balance on the edge of this very slippery slope. And the only answer is to decide to get it together once and for all.

And I just gave you a big ramble back. This is all your call honey. The thing is, you CAN’T balance on a slope—you can’t find balance on crap or borderline stuff, anymore than an alcoholic can balance herself with a tablespoon of vodka. But you know that, right? (That’s the extra diet “strength” you say you’re seeking that you already know darn well—grin.) The problem really is that solid ground makes you crazy, that’s your coming undone place.

You can step away from the slope Christina, you can get and stay on the flat (boring, quiet) solid ground. You can set that new boundary on your grown-up self. You can put your body first this time, be 100% good to it, you can MAKE this time NOT another “this time” at all. You can get some help and/or abide the discomfort until it forces you to see where it is you won’t to go, until it forces you to see what this is all really about, and what it is not about.

You can.

Will you?

Adele
(143 this morning)
----------
168/140, Size 16/8
Lowcarbing 11+ years
Maintaining at goal 8+ years
Moderator/Owner
adele@leadwiththediet.com

Yes, I agree it is a good sign…not so much that you mostly WANT to eat only good stuff, but that you ARE eating good stuff, whether you want to or not. It’s not that you won’t ever be hungry for or just plain WANT crap. Just keep holding the “good stuff only” line in honor of yourself!

I still have a hard time trusting if it's my body or my emotions speaking sometimes, but I'm getting better at that with practice.

I’m wondering why it matters which one is speaking? Or are you trying to let your body somehow play a role in deciding, day to day, if it needs … some crap? (grin)

If you’re following a clean, dragon-feed-free, decided-in-advance diet, then you can listen to yourself and NOT react/respond with any eating changes, right? Isn’t that how we slowly learn to hear/feel (abide) whatever it is we hear/feel, no matter where it’s supposedly coming from? Some days there will be an absolute inner (or outer!) cacophony. Leading with the diet means that our eating decisions—and thus our weight—will remain stable, unaffected by all that racket.

This is “the natural pattern” we have to force until it becomes second nature, not merely until we shouldn’t need to do it anymore (as so many of us feel entitled to behave after we’ve lost the weight). For me, that’s just as true now as it was when I was first “on the diet”, before I got to goal.

Maybe your body is different than mine. But I still would never trust my emotions/impulses not to try to waggle their way back into more food decision-making power. See: Inner Hard Drives

Beyond “you need more vegetables” my body STILL gets no say in this. And the way my body tells me I need more vegetables isn’t any kind of inner voice that says “eat more vegetables”. It’s that my body doesn’t poop for a couple of days. (grin)

I still want to eat fruit, and I still think about waggling, almost daily. My emotions would still willingly volunteer to help out or take over again. I actually had the thought last week that maybe I could occasionally have sugar free ice cream.

Was that my body or my emotions? More importantly, does it matter? I still don’t/can’t/won’t eat sugar-free ice cream or apples.

Make sense?

Keep going and please keep us posted Christina.

Adele (143 this morning)
----------
168/140, Size 16/8
Lowcarbing 11+ years
Maintaining at goal 8+ years
Moderator/Owner
adele@leadwiththediet.com

Last Edited on 20-Apr-2008 2:07 PM

Doing good though. I've cut out the grains. Kept starchy veggies to small portions, and cut down on the mayo. Still having fruit. Actually increased it a bit. (only one that bothers me is banannas, I don't eat those) Lots of protein and veggies. Seems to be keeping the scale more steady. That bouncing in February was about to drive me batty.
I've been eating 65-100 net on average and still don't want to eat much, but afraid to up it just yet. I'll give it another week or two before I decide that.
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Christina
hw 264+ 1-16-04
gw 125
today 124

Well a couple of MONTHS have now passed. You predicted that you’d be feeling better in the future. How are you actually feeling Christina? More importantly, are you remaining abstinent?

And in your last post you mentioned that you’ve Kept starchy veggies to small portions, and cut down on the mayo. Still having fruit. Actually increased it a bit.

I’m wondering why you would think it’s a good idea to hold down starchy vegetables but increase fruit? Is that more subtle, you know “legal”, bargaining? Is that okay? Will that, eventually, backfire? (I honestly don’t know whether it will or not, this is your body, your science project, but please oh please be careful....)

Christina, I’ve been wondering a lot about how things are going for you. I hope you’ll update soon.

Adele (143 this morning)
----------
168/140, Size 16/8
Lowcarbing 11+ years
Maintaining at goal 8+ years
Moderator/Owner
adele@leadwiththediet.com

My inches are dropping without a big scale drop. My hips are down to 34 at the widest point and my girls size 16's are getting a little baggy. I needed juniors 3's in the new shorts I bought this week. And my goal shorts are now publicly wearable.

The biggest problem I have right now is keeping my pants up. And the weight comments from my new co-workers, who don't know me but for what they see. And getting enough calories down without relying on the mayo on everything deal.
Everything is moving in the right direction for me. I even got a new short "do" and contacts last week. How I celebrated my "official" freedom.
Not that it's all been peaches and cream lately, but I'm keeping the "bad" moments in perspective of the big picture. I've dealth with frustration, disappointment and a no reason crying jag in the last couple weeks too. I just don't deal with it by eating it away anymore. And that feels real good. To just let the feelings come and process them through and away.
----------
Christina
hw 264+ 1-16-04
gw 125
today 122

I am impressed and hopeful too Christina. I see that you are building experience with abiding through life’s many ordeals by SUPPORTING yourself and your body through them instead of caving and bolting. You are building a pattern of strengthening yourself as opposed to going weak when things are challenging. I think that’s so important and THE biggest adjustment we have to make AFTER all the weight loss thrills are gone.

What I think I’m seeing here...so far...is that you are finally seeing (and behaving accordingly to) the utter futility of fighting YOURSELF, right? And how much simpler this all is when we become friend and ally with our body, instead of enemy #1. The body always ”wins” these “fights”, and that’s because, no matter how much we want it to be so, the body just can’t and never will change. Only we can. Our body is like a brick wall that way. Ever take on a brick wall and “win”? (grin). We can keep ramming ourselves against it, or we can quietly, gently surrender and just do what it takes to deal with the truth that "the wall" is there, even when, as you note, it’s a little awkward...in your case right now, amusing or maybe even momentarily astonishing to some of your co-workers.

I think I even understand about the fruit. I think that for you it could be like me having a very occasional pre-decided martini...they’re so clear and strong to us that it seems easier to stop those than I can fruit. (Not that I could ever ever stop with “clear and strong” sugar or even grain! Those are absolutely NEVERs for me and have been since I began lowcarbing back in 1996.)

The biggest problem I have right now is keeping my pants up.

Well now this reminds of the hilarious exchange between Perchik and Tevye in Fiddler on the Roof, where Perchik says “”Money is the world’s curse” and Tevye retorts, “May the Lord smite me with it. And may I never recover!”

All kidding aside, this all is just wonderful news Christina. You keep it up, y’hear? And of course I hope you’ll keep us informed.

Adele (143 this morning)

----------
168/140, Size 16/8
Lowcarbing 11+ years
Maintaining at goal 8+ years
Moderator/Owner
adele@leadwiththediet.com

While shopping for clothing this past week. I about had a melt down in the dressing room. I guess I still would like to have the "perfect" body. I was mad at myself for all the abuse I've dished out to myself with overeating and all the flaws and scars that came from it. I don't want to have to buy shirts that come to the elbow or wear cover up sweaters and hoodies because my arms are a saggy mess. I want to be able to wear shorter shorts, and look good in a bathing suit. I want to put on low rise jeans and not worry about my belly flap hanging if I bend over. But my body looks like it looks and it isn't going to ever be perfect, even if I could/would have surgreys to fix it.
And for a fleeting moment I heard the old me talking about stuffing down some good old comfort food. But that thought didn't get time to finish, I self talked it right out of my mind. And happy it went away without another thought.

All things considered, I'm doing really good. And the food choices are nobrainers. Though I didn't keep track of how much of what went into my meat and veggie dishes, So tracking on fitday won't be too accurate. But it's all legal stuff, so no worries.
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Christina
hw 264+ 1-16-04
gw 125
today 122

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Christina
hw 264+ 1-16-04
gw 125
today 120

Last Edited on 3-Jun-2008 6:40 PM

Please be verrrrry carefuly with corn. It's a grain, not a vegetable. Lots of research slowly coming to the fore about the possible relationship of corn (yes, mostly high fructose corn syrup, but the grain itself is also under scrutiny) to obesity.

I have yet to see an addicted eater be able to successfully incorporate grains. Please be careful honey.

And, sigh, I know you're probably not ready for this in your life, but one way to help slow down your metabolism AND extend your life would be to give up smoking...

Adele (141 this morning)
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168/140, Size 16/8
Lowcarbing 11+ years
Maintaining at goal 8+ years
Moderator/Owner
adele@leadwiththediet.com

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Christina
hw 264+ 1-16-04
gw 125
today 120

Well Christina, grin, you are that, and you are among the most tenacious lowcarbers I’ve ever seen, that’s for sure! Tenacity IS what this seems to take. It seems like you’re finally getting weary enough of fighting yourself to do the easier work of NOT fighting yourself. And yes, NOT fighting is work too, huh? Who’d have thunk it?

I hope you'll stay in touch here.

Adele (141 this morning)
----------
168/140, Size 16/8
Lowcarbing 11+ years
Maintaining at goal 8+ years
Moderator/Owner
adele@leadwiththediet.com

I'm still trying to find balance with the scale. Might be easier to just accept that I may have to buy new clothes than to try getting back to goal weight. I know 4 or 5 pounds doesn't seem munch, but it does effect how and if my clothing fits properly. And most were bought to fit around 127, which was my old average weight.
I'm eating absurd amounts of food and I don't think my carb counts would qualify as low carb in anyone's book. Yet I still have no real hunger. I'm just eating because I know I need to. I dropped down to 119 for the first time I can ever remember. A few days off work, mayo on about everything, oats added to breakfast and way too many meals out and taking advantage of the sweetpotatoes, rice and fries managed to get me back to 123. But mostly it was water. As a 16+ hour waking fast for blood work dropped it back down. (morning appt after working the overnight shift)
I'm eating foods that I know my body does well with or at the very least tolerates. But having to get the carb levels so high scares me still. Things that use to be an occasional food are now becoming a regular part of my meals. And in the back of my mind I'm afraid it'll spiral out of control at any second. Even though the scale says I'm not and I don't have any cravings.
My doctor put me on the pill today to regulate my cycle. I've tried it before and was an emotional mess. She seems to think the new lower dose one she's having me try will not have that effect. I can only pray she's right. Dealing with moody teenaged daughters and a job that's stressing me to the max and I almost dred going to is enough without a horamonal meltdown tossed into it.

I had an interesting conversation with my 17 year old cousin the other day. She wanted to know if I ever ate sweets as a "treat" to myself. My responce was that a week or more worth of cravings and feeling physically ill was more of a punishment than a treat. 6 months of clean eating has just reinforced that and I hope to not find myself in that situation again.

I'll check back in a week or so when I get my bloodwork results. I expect they'll be pretty good numbers as usual.

----------
Christina
hw 264+ 1-16-04
gw 125
today 121

Barbara
(162.5 this a.m.)
GW 149

In my real (adult) moments, those are my exact sentiments about my own body Christina. It’s my unrealistic, tantruming, perfectionist, spoiled brat, inner 14-year-old who would rather not acknowledge that I can’t have it all, and have it exactly the way I want it. When we went into this project, despite what we might have said the about the way we would surely feel, we didn’t get into this for “not nearly as bad as I used to look”.

I'm still trying to find balance with the scale. Might be easier to just accept that I may have to buy new clothes than to try getting back to goal weight.

I don’t have the same “problems” as you obviously, but I can only imagine how overwhelming and even frustrating this must feel. I imagine it would be SO easy and tempting to begin playing mind/food games with myself about the “need” to gain some weight. I’m purely curious, when you Fitday out a typical day, what are your average daily fat/protein/carb percentages? I know that upping my fat percentage to as close to 70% as I can get it (which isn’t easy!) leads to weight loss; I wonder if sticking closer to 55-60% would have any impact on this for you?

I’m just so impressed by how you’re staying on course. Seems like you might be beginning to Surrender?

Adele (140 this morning)
----------
168/140, Size 16/8
Lowcarbing 11+ years
Maintaining at goal 8+ years
Moderator/Owner
adele@leadwiththediet.com

For whatever reason I got a case of the hungries last weekend and a 6 pound spike on the scale in 3 days. I didn't want junk, just felt like I could have eaten a whole cow. I don't know if it was caused by the fasting, a reaction to the tetanus booster, sleep deprivation, PMS, knocked myself too far out of ketosis or I got something into my system that was a trigger without knowing it. I didn't feel very stable with my eating by day 3 of that and immediately pulled the carbs in for about 3 days. The pounds went as fast as they came and the cravings are about gone.
I've about surrendered to the idea of just eating the best I can (whole, non dragon feed foods)and if the scale wants to drop, so be it. Fighting to keep the scale numbers up is a bigger p.i.t.a. than trying to keep it down for most of my life.

All my blood work came back beautifully.

My smoking is down to a pack a day average again. With me being more mindful of why I'm lighting up. So, there's hope on that front again.

And on a happy but nervous note, I'll be attending the local university this fall! I don't know how I'm going to juggle it all, but I've been putting off going back for 16 years. It's past time I stopped putting the things I want for myself on hold and get on with creating the life I want for myself.

Who'd have thought starting yet another "diet" would bring me so much more. Growing up and learning to take care of me first and foremost over the last few years has been daunting at times, but it sure feels good most days.
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Christina
hw 264+ 1-16-04
gw 125
today 120

There’s so much about our current (insane!) culture of consumerism that encourages—practically promotes—irresponsibility and impulsivity. As you are noting, it can occasionally be lonely and frustrating being this kind of responsible amidst our you-deserve-a-break-today, yes-you-can-have-it-all-and-have-it-NOW culture.

My inner child grew up a few years ago Christina, when I was about 48. There are times when she tries to resurface, but grown-up me can still truthfully reassure her that while life is far from perfect this way, it’s still enough better for me that I don’t go back to that. I kept cycling back and returning to the same miserable place my whole adult life until that time. And the bottom line I could finally admit to myself was that THAT wasn’t what I WANTED either. I wanted the peace, the sanity, and yes the “normal” body, more than a “normal” food-life. (If normal is hiding and bingeing, and eating until I was practically in a coma, that is.) It finally clicked that I couldn’t have both.

And I’m betting you’re at that same point.

Here’s a post I wrote back in March 2004 on AOL about my own inner child to a poster named Deborah who had a moment where she thought I had “saved” her—that I had supplied the missing information she had been lacking her whole life. She never posted again. Most likely we crossed paths on one of her distracting quests for knowledge that could fix her. Old hands like Christina and me know it’s not IN the know, it’s in the do...

Adele,You are simply amazing! I just finished reading your story, your tips, your information...I am blown away by you!

Well gosh, Bless Your Heart, LOL. Honest, thank you very much!

I am serious when I say you should write a book.
Know what? There is absolutely no book needed. 99% of what everybody needs is already in Atkins books (as well as some other, maybe even better ones), and all my personal secrets are right smack on those web pages I wrote. [I used to have three of my essays up on a small AOL web page before beginning this site.] Those essays grew from posts I've made on the lowcarb lists I participate on. All the rest is just people saying "yes, but" and then spending (wasting) their time trying to figure out ways to NOT change. Heck, that's what I did wrong for years with this!

I think you will forever have changed my life.
Nope. The only one who can change your life is YOU. I'm happy to give you a few pointers on how you have to DO that (lead with the diet, right? (grin)). No wife can help her husband with this, and no e-mail buddy or cheerleader will make this better or easier. The core truth is that it is NOT easy. It is simple but not easy. You have to make simple but BIG life changes.

I feel betrayed by my body on one hand that it does not respond to the input vs. output theory.
Know who's been betraying your body? YOU. (And again the only reason I'm saying this is because it applied *to me*). I had no idea I was AT WAR with my body until I stopped the fighting. Let me tell you what a wonderful thing peace is.

One of the many little miracles I've received from slowly making friends with my body (by stopping abusing it) is the ability to view my body as separate from me. At the risk of people falling down and laughing their heads off, I'll tell you just exactly how this new relationship with my body feels.... my body has come to be this little child that lives with me, a child I love and take really good care of. A child that pesters and annoys me once in a while, sure. That child sometimes wants things that aren't good for her, things that will HURT her. And me, the person who loves and guides her, has to firmly tell her no. She grouses a little sometimes, but know what? We used to HATE each other so much we wouldn't even acknowledge each other's existence. And now we love each other, understand each other, and are the best of friends.

And life is STILL hard...but absolutely EVERYTHING works better for both of us this way. And oh miracle of miracles, I'm not fat anymore and I am almost certain I never will be again.

I am mostly feeling let down by the medical community who doesn’t seem to have an answer for those of us who do what is right and still get no results.
Yes there's lots of information out there that doesn't help you, might even harm you, but you can't fix that problem. All you can fix is YOU and how you feed your body. Let the rest of the world and all its inherent flaws as well as your desire to help or fix anybody else GO and you will come out a million times better, clearer and more effective at just about everything you do and feel. You will get square with yourself in other places than food.

Or, like me, have to "white knuckle" our way through life, afraid of food and afraid of possibly going back to being a "fat person". It is sad and frustrating, it is life-limiting and it can literally suck the joy out of social situations, holidays etc.
Know what? You DO have to "white knuckle" through this for a LONG time...that's leading with the diet again. But you have to white knuckle the right thing. THE DIET. As pure and planned ahead as you possibly can, every single day. When you do that, what you will slowly force yourself to learn is that you can go through and FEEL anything—and yes fear, frustration and anger are some of the biggies—and still eat pure, steady and right. It is an unbelievably liberating feeling to no longer have food at the center of your life.

Did I say lead with the diet? (grin)

Thanks again for being so complimentary. YOU are your own ray of hope Deborah. YOU can do it. ONLY you can do it.

Adele
168/140 - lowcarbing 7+ years
Size 16/8 - maintaining at goal 4+ years

***

Your inner child is grousing Christina. Abide. (grin)

Adele (141 this morning)
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168/140, Size 16/8
Lowcarbing 11+ years
Maintaining at goal 8+ years
Moderator/Owner
adele@leadwiththediet.com

Last Edited on 11-Jul-2008 5:29 AM

I did have a light bulb moment the other day. I had stopped doing things I use to do and enjoy. My therapist says I've been going in robot mode. She's right. So I'm going to make an effort to do the things that I like and not just the things I'm suppose to or need to do.

Taking care of me still needs to be a main focus. I've been able to put my "diet" needs on the priority list, hopefully I'll be able to put some of my other needs on that list as well. And pray that God will continue to provide the basics for us as I start yet another new journey toward the life that I want and need.
The thought of my rear back in a school desk after 16 years is thrilling yet down right terrifying at the same time. Failure at this stage is not an option. It's sink or swim time in more areas of my life than I'd like to admit. I know it's going to be rough, but with determination and the will to give it my all, I think I'll get through it all a stronger person.

Thanks for letting me ramble that all out. Not much of it is directly "diet" related, but it is related to where I am in this journey and where this journey has lead me.
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Christina
hw 264+ 1-16-04
gw 125
today 123

Last Edited on 26-Jul-2008 1:18 PM

Y’know Christina, I think there’s usually a whole lot of ramble left in us when we remove our drug-foods. It’s what we have left—some days it seems like it’s ALL we have left—when the fog lifts and clarity begins to sink in. (And I wonder, aren’t you maybe still fighting the clarity just a little?? Is it really too much to consider embracing it?)

Anyway, I’m giving you another long ramble right back... (grin)

I tried once again going on birth control pills. The hormonal imbalance it caused was off the charts and triggered a major case of what my doctor calls depression. I thought I knew what that felt like. I've talked myself out of the blahs more times than I can count. This time I had physical symptoms so bad I felt worse than any case of the flu I ever had. My body hurts with a pain I've never felt before. And my brain doesn't want to function properly. I forget what I should be doing or what I started to do. And my focus on things and rational train of thought is worse than my ADHD children's when they haven't taken their meds.

BC pills never agreed with my body, I only took them for about a year in my early 20’s. Eating cleanly, I think, renders highly reactive bodies...well, maybe not more reactive, but it certainly makes it much clearer to feel the effects of anything new we change or add, including drugs.

It’s not anyone’s business but yours why you began BC pills. But given what you’ve explained about your future plans and the current parenting overload in your life, and assuming, perhaps incorrectly, that actual birth control is the reason why, I’m wondering if it wouldn’t be simpler and wiser to consider getting this taken care of surgically. Can you foresee adding 18+ years of stress and responsibility (physical, financial and emotional) that another child would bring to you at any point in your future?

Right after my last post I had two off plan eating times with in a 24 hour period. Nothing too bad but it still wasn't the answer. And I KNEW that while I was doing it. I did manage to avoid sugar though or that might have started a binge I'd never have recovered from at this stage in my journey.

I can only imagine how tough it is when life seems so overwhelming, tough to not respond to the near-constant, sometimes powerful urge to revisit the seemingly so benign, “gentle” medication of food to ease the emotional burden. I’ve never been a single parent, and I’ve always had an unbelievably supportive spouse with an adequate income that, along with our shared lifelong frugal ways, helped us to successfully maneuver through the challenges of raising two children with me working part-time. (And yet, for what it’s worth, I still found ample reasons to binge-eat for 25 years of that “easy” life...)

It also sounds like you have a less than ideal parental model and support for yourself as an adult child. For what it’s worth, in the moments when you think you need to know how and why you ended up with your overwhelming body, life, and responsibilities, well there’s probably a hefty chunk of the reason. I’m guessing she hasn’t been much of a healthy role model for handling adult responsibility herself??

Now, as for bargaining with “well at least it wasn’t sugar”... My truth, maybe not yours, is that my body would most likely do even worse with either a grain binge, say pizza, or a lowcarb crap binge, such as gorging on a Splenda-and-cream laden lowcarb concoctions. In fact, that’s exactly what my final “binge”—not really a total binge, but a planned day eating foods (wheat and corn—two regular cookies and two servings of a cornbread casserole)—was on December 26, 1998. My body’s reaction to that changed my behavior forever—so far. It was then that I finally KNEW—knew enough that I haven’t DONE it again.

What were your symptoms/consequences from this “at least it wasn’t a sugar-binge”? Were they powerful enough to make a permanent difference? (Time will tell, I guess, right?)

At the urging of my PCP I'm seeing a therapist. Both want to put me on anti depressants. I've politely and firmly told them no repeatedly. At this point I don't think they are the answer. And we'll just try the talk therapy. Though I'm not sure how any amount of talking is going to help my circumstances. I'm still going to have to work 2 jobs to keep a roof over our heads. I will still need to toss an education into that overloaded schedule if I ever hope to stop working 2 jobs. I'll still be supporting 3 kids and trying my darnedest to meet all their needs. And my youngest isn't going to need any less. As is I don't get to give him the time and attention he desperately needs to succeed in life. And my Mother, who's never really gotten me but loves me the best she can, will not be changing any time soon. Her response to this was that she wished I'd find a man who could help me out with the bills and what not. UGH like starting a relationship and moving a man in for financial reasons would be a good idea. Oh well, at least I got a good laugh out of it.

I think it would be really hard to truly laugh at our parents major shortcomings. That’s something else I don’t have to experience any more; my “problem” parent died in 1978 (not that the affects from the upbringing were extinguished at the same time...). I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned that the single common thread I’ve found running through virtually every inner journey that’s been shared with me is what I would call a background of “unbalanced parenting”—either one overbearingly, strong-but-toxic personalitied parent and one diametrically-opposed, proportionately weak parent; or a single overwhelmed (and hence, behaving-badly) one.

You also sound like you have a lot in common with Mary, who shared with me via e-mail that she just endured a 5-day-long visit with her own mother. I hope she will be updating her thread soon.

I did have a light bulb moment the other day. I had stopped doing things I use to do and enjoy. My therapist says I've been going in robot mode. She's right. So I'm going to make an effort to do the things that I like and not just the things I'm suppose to or need to do.

Gee, it looks to me like talk therapy might already be helping... (I’m really impressed that you set boundaries on your doctors, by the way!)

You know, I experienced somewhat the same phenomenon in my early years of this. I think that it might be a common part of the process of divorcing ourselves from addictive behavior; giving up what we thought we LOVED most about life has a way (with us all-or-nothing types?) of putting us off of EVERYTHING we liked to do (maybe because food WAS everything??) It takes some time and effort to realize that crap-food, which is/was just one single element of our behavior, is ALL we have to let go of.

Getting and keeping a social life, in your circumstances, I’m sure would be a challenge, but it might be important to get some kind of regularly scheduled outside social group activity—even if it’s only once a month. You might want to consider getting involved in a church group/gathering of some kind, maybe something WITH your kids where you would be in regular contact with a group of adults who are not co-workers?

Although clearly your schedule/life is full, over-busy, I have to add that exercise helps me so much with this—mostly with my attitude, which then affects most everything else I do. It helps me whether I exercise alone (as I’m doing right now, mostly—lifting weights at home and walking), or when I’m going regularly to a gym where I ended up with some great, fun social time in the locker room with women of all ages and backgrounds. My gym people, I used to call them. Also don’t forget that your youngest—all your children really—could, at least at times, be a part of you getting regular exercise. A healthy kind of family bonding multi-tasking! And talk about healthy parent role-modeling...

Taking care of me still needs to be a main focus. I've been able to put my "diet" needs on the priority list, hopefully I'll be able to put some of my other needs on that list as well. And pray that God will continue to provide the basics for us as I start yet another new journey toward the life that I want and need.

Christina, it’s not selfish to take care of yourself. It’s selfish NOT to.

The thought of my rear back in a school desk after 16 years is thrilling yet down right terrifying at the same time. Failure at this stage is not an option. It's sink or swim time in more areas of my life than I'd like to admit. I know it's going to be rough, but with determination and the will to give it my all, I think I'll get through it all a stronger person.

I think you already are a whole lot stronger than you were at the beginning of this, a whole lot stronger than you were even a year ago, wouldn’t you agree? Also for what it’s worth, I have numerous friends who have gone back for college degrees in their 30’s, 40’s and even 50’s. None of them regret it in the least, ALL of them have valued that later education tremendously more than those of us for whom it was provided without us having to work for it. They also, without exception, did extremely well in school.

Yes, it is grow-up time. Hard to believe that in this mixed-up value culture it’s more than possible, it’s easy to be well into adulthood age-wise without having set even a foot in decision and big-life-maturity-wise. (In fact, you might very well look at your mother as an interesting example of this?)

Thanks for letting me ramble that all out. Not much of it is directly "diet" related, but it is related to where I am in this journey and where this journey has lead me.

Thank YOU for being here and sharing all your bare-naked truth Christina. THIS IS the bigger picture, the nitty-gritty I’d hoped to eventually get into here. This stuff gets drowned out on generalist lists, it just can’t compete well with beginning diet advice and chatter.

I think this IS exactly where the diet will eventually lead us if it turns out we are addicted eaters. It is where the REAL changes, the ones even more important than “eating right”, can begin to take place. I even think they HAVE to take place or else we will inevitably begin the back-slide to the relative (dis)comfort of irresponsibility.

And here we thought all we wanted was to lose weight...

Take care and stay in touch honey.

Adele (141 this morning)
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168/140, Size 16/8
Lowcarbing 11+ years
Maintaining at goal 8+ years
Moderator/Owner
adele@leadwiththediet.com

I'm about finished with a book called Repotting. Good read for anyone who might feel they need a little or big change in their life/landscape. It's helped me see that the processes and struggles I've been going through the last couple years where perfectly normal for someone doing a completely new life/landscape design. And I'm just about right on track for where I want to be in the end.

I have no idea how I'm going to pull it all together into a working plan, there are too many out of my control variables in this journey. I just know that I NEED to do this for myself. And hope that my children will understand the sacrifices we will all be making because of my journey choices. The girls and I have talked quite a bit about what I need from them. And that some times they will have to stop me and say "hey mom, this is important to me" if I get a little too busy to notice what I should. I think we're all about on the same page. At least in theory. Only time will tell if reality turns out to be anything like the theory.
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Christina
hw 264+ 1-16-04
gw 125
today 122

I'm doing OK on the food front. Forcing down enough to keep the scale mostly steady. Nothing off plan and no desire to.
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Christina
hw 264+ 1-16-04
gw 125
today 122

Adele (141 this morning)
----------
168/140, Size 16/8
Lowcarbing 12+ years
Maintaining at goal 8+ years
Moderator/Owner
adele@leadwiththediet.com

I survived the power outage pretty well. Didn't loose the chest freezer full of food. And a guy I was kind of seeing happened to own a couple shaved ice places and also had no electricity, so he brought me plenty of ice and coolers for the frig foods, so all good there. And I'm officially burnt out on my nut and raisin trail mix I was eating too much of. My apartment is all electric and we can't keep grills on the deck. so it was cold food only.

I'm feeling pretty isolated at work (all of life really)
Most of the department I'm in has been making a lot of noise since I left end of August to go to the ER and then missed again in September. They want my trainer status removed. My boss says no. Rumour mill says they filled a grievance and were told too bad. Putting things I've heard and overheard together.... my bosses, boss actually used a very mature "so, haha" after explaining things to them this weekend. I had thought the matter dropped, but apparently they were making a last effort to be nasty.
It was rough starting that shift. They're a petty group to begin with. And I tried my darnedest to make friends with all of them. But gave up on that a while ago and just kept my own company for the most part while continuing to be friendly. But they just seem to get nastier. They even talk nasty about their "friends" behind their backs, so that tells you something. But it's still kind of hard to feel like/ be an outsider in groups like that. I can't and won't join in the criticizing of people because of how they look or something unimportant. It's not my place to judge people and gossip. So I'm mostly stuck on my own.

As for the rest of my life, it's isolated too. When I was married I wasn't allowed to have friends. And I worked at home. When I finally started working outside the home waiting tables, I mostly worked with partiers. And that's not my thing.
The last year I've done nothing much but work and sleep. I'm not even sure I'm back in the loop with my kids. And trust me, I was way out of it. But I'm getting caught up on rest and relearning to be around them so much. And my oldest is slowly realizing she doesn't have to be mama so much and can chill a bit. And hopefully we'll have something near normal going soon.

My brief relationship with a man recently, reminded me I might want to put looking for a relationship back on the burner. That one, I found out was a little less separated from his wife than he first led me to believe when we met by accident one night while I was out. I couldn't morally continue to see him after I figured that out. Not to mention lying by omission is still lying in my book.
(insert small sugar free junk binge here. like that helped me feel any better about it?)

I'm using the online relationship sight to maybe meet someone compatible. I find most are pretty shallow. But I haven't a clue were to go and meet single men besides bars. And I still have big hang ups over my poor scarred body, so I wonder if I want to have to deal with the possible rejection I have experienced before when guys find out I was once obese. And I know it's not as bad as I make it out to be in my head. And if/when the right person comes along, he won't mind.

You'll notice my weights up. That's a typical Sunday weigh in. On Thursdays my weight is fine. It'll be back to 125 on Tuesday.

I'm sore and I'm tired and I'm hurting inside, even though those people don't deserve the power to make me feel crappy, I'm still letting them. And while being pissed off and hurt at work, I worked extra hard at work. Something about working circles around them makes me feel better. Not to mention the extra physical activity helps with the anger.

I'd like someone to hold me and rub my back. Maybe have a little cry. That's not going to happen. So I started thinking about what I could "legally" binge on. Then I came here, and glad I wrote it out. The urge is a little less now.

Some days are easier than others. I was reading in my PSY book that teenagers struggle to find identity, 20-40's look for relationships or feel isolated and the 40-60's seek purpose in their lives. I actually laughed out loud, because I could fall into all 3 categories at 34. My oldest says it's called a midlife crisis. Maybe an early one by force. I sure didn't plan to start a life change at 30. And I never dreamed I'd still be struggling to rebuild my life this long after. But I'm making progress. Figuring out who I am (at least confirming my core values)what I need to be happy and figuring out that I need to build some relationships in my life, even if I don't know just how. And hopefully that life purpose will come along soon. One step at a time, I'll get it all figured out.

Adele, you didn't drop the ball. Maybe I did by not posting more. This is the one place I can come and be me. Even when I feel crazy, and know that I won't be judged and can get honest feedback.
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Christina
hw 264+ 1-16-04
gw 125
today 129

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Christina
hw 264+ 1-16-04
gw 125
today 126

It’s an unnerving place that appears toward what we had secretly hoped/conceived of as the END of our weight-loss PROJECT, the point where secretly expected we’d finally be HAPPY. But yikes, it’s the opposite of happy, and it’s not an end! It’s a whole new starting point in front of us!!! It’s the place where our whole life feels like is going to ex- or im-plode if we don’t eat some crap. It’s the place where we begin to grasp how integral crap-food eating was in our life pattern, when we find that carrying on forever—without bingeing—is a lot more challenging than we realized.

We get to the beginning of this tunnel when we finally become so quiet within (without the noise and distraction of our drug(s)) that we start looking at the truth of our lives (yes, we go into the pain) and realize that some—or a lot—of what we have left is fallout, the unintended consequences, of all kinds of now-irrevocable decisions we made without enough maturity and foresight toward longer-term consequences. It’s an uncomfortable, growing-up spell when we discover our life patterns haven’t been so wise or admirable.

It's where we have to make some uncomfortable choices. We either bolt back to the crap (usually again and again), or we have to begin moving on through the tunnel. "Home by another way," to quote a favorite James Taylor song of mine about his own addictions.

So I see you at the mouth of the tunnel, asking SHOULD you be angry about fill-in-the-blank? But contrary to how we’ve been trying to exist, emotions (pleasant OR unpleasant) aren’t really should’s or shouldn’t’s. Emotions aren’t something we can decide to have or not have. Emotions just ARE, they are the part of life that more emotionally adept people have figured out, sometimes effortlessly but usually through the school of hard knocks, where their emotions fit, how their emotions can and cannot affect their life decisions, as well as how they can best live alongside the emotions that they struggle with (which EVERYBODY does sometimes).

The question I think you need to answer, the one I found I needed to answer, is what do I DO with this ANGER—and resentment and regret and sadness and the frustration that hitting this overwhelming place of truth, this place where I’m finally, for the first time, letting myself begin to truly see what I’ve done—and how and why, and why not? The good news, I learned over time, is that the tunnel can—I think it has to—be a place of rebuilding from the ground up, gentler, more truthful, “authentic” ways of handling life.

When we arrive at the tunnel we can bolt again—that is, go back (slowly or drastically) to the same old familiar pattern; we can try leaning harder on another established addiction (such as alcohol, smoking, overspending, sex, gambling, etc.); or we can even cultivate another addiction (as so many who have had weight loss surgery are now being found to do most especially with alcohol). Those responses are tantamount to searching for a for a side door to duck through, a way to back, fanny-first, out of the tunnel.

Or we can learn (with some help or by teaching ourselves) to do what more emotionally skilled people do with their big, unpleasant, ambivalent emotions. There’s no one way, there’s no right way, and most importantly for us, I think we need to learn to accept that there’s no way of totally eliminating any of the emotions. Emotions can’t and don’t need to be eliminated, because they WILL change/pass, no matter what we do or do not do with them. They merely need to be felt and calmly examined and then sometimes used to make adjustments in our decisions—both big and little, inconsequential and monumental.

My friend Rani, who used to post here sometimes and who many are familiar with from other lowcarb online sites, just yesterday e-mailed me something from a friend of hers that I thought was quite good, as well as especially apropos to where you find yourself:

NEFFECTIVE STRATEGIES FOR SELF LOVE:
Self-Judgment (stupid, lazy, etc.)
Self-Criticism
Poor Me
Big Fat Slob
Self-Pity
Inward directed anger
Self abuse
Cutting
I can never have what I want
Seeking others’ acceptance
Mental chatter
Eating and Bingeing
Anorexia and Starving
Bulimia
Excessive busyness
Shopping
Drinking
Drugging
Numbing out
Excessive Sleep, Checking out
Depression
Creating Illness in times of stress

EFFECTIVE SELF LOVE STRATEGIES:
Learn to communicate
Positive Self-Talk
Talk to others about Self
Share Emotions
Self Soothing Strategies
Deep Breathing
Soothing music
Humor
Tense, then relax muscles
Yoga, or aerobic exercise
Journal
Pray
Meditate
Take a walk
Talking to self, encouraging, in mirror
Releasing anger safely and effectively
Being with emotions and emotional pain
Crying instead of stuffing emotions down
Speaking truth instead of hiding real feelings, opinions.
Eat healthy foods and move your body (because you care, not because you hate)
Expand your support systems
Set reasonable goals
Tune in to your body
Exercise
Practice meditation, guided imagery or deep relaxation
Write in journal
Do a spiritual practice
Become aware of your triggers
Lighten up
Avoid the “quick fix"

I know we’ve discussed this before, but I think a GOOD therapist (granted, good ones can be tough to find and to pay for), can help a whole lot with this, especially with “speaking truth instead of hiding/stuffing real feelings, opinions,” with “being with emotions and emotional pain,” and with “releasing anger safely and effectively”. (I honestly feel the last two are especially difficult to do without some professional guidance. My therapist likened the process to “surgery without anesthesia.”)

With or without professional help though, I think we each have to slowly and gently, find—work out really—it’s not any kind of dramatic, eureka moment, at least it hasn’t been for me—new strategies for handling the NORMAL insanity (and consequences) of the unfulfilling, inauthentic lives we realize we’ve been building around our addictions. We have to realize, sometimes with some regret, yes, that life offers no rewind button, but it does offer a future where we CAN choose differently.

I don’t know which avenues will work best for you. I do know that I have tried literally all those self-love strategies except yoga and I still employ the rest of them at least sometimes (heck, I journal right here!) as part of my ongoing unwillingness to return to the inappropriate ways I used to handle stress and my emotions.

Thank you again for being here and so honestly sharing some of your pain and frustration. It still helps me a lot to stay aware and discuss these deeper addiction issues and choices, just as I hope it’s helping you at least a little. I hope you’ll stay in touch; let us know how you move forward (please don’t go backward!!) with your journey.

Adele (143 this morning)

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168/140, Size 16/8
Lowcarbing 12+ years
Maintaining at goal 8+ years
Moderator/Owner
adele@leadwiththediet.com

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Christina
hw 264+ 1-16-04
gw 125
today 127

If you stick with the plan, the decision makes itself...and your thoughts calm and the habit gains strength.

Adele (141 this morning)
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168/140, Size 16/8
Lowcarbing 12+ years
Maintaining at goal 8+ years
Moderator/Owner
adele@leadwiththediet.com