I can’t offer any advice or insights until I know a lot more about what kind of lowcarb diet got you to goal (assuming 155 was your goal and that 155 is/was a healthy bodyweight that had you at 27% bodyfat or less). I'd also want to know what your diet was after reaching that goal and what, if anything, changed about that diet (and/or your health) when the 10 pounds returned.

Can you tell us more?

Adele (144 this morning)
----------
168/140, Size 16/8
Lowcarbing 10+ years
Maintaining at goal 7+ years
Moderator/Owner
adele@leadwiththediet.com

I hope you’ll put your diet on Fitday although I’ll mostly be looking at the kinds of foods you’re eating. Honestly though, no matter where you are now, if you decide to move your diet toward anti-yeast, I’d recommend you start with the purer form of Atkins I recommend in A Better Approach for Chronically Restarting Lowcarbers.

Adele (144 this morning)
----------
168/140, Size 16/8
Lowcarbing 10+ years
Maintaining at goal 7+ years
Moderator/Owner
adele@leadwiththediet.com

Arlene

This is good stuff!!! I see so much of myself in others addictive habits and how they are abstaining. I'm learning a lot. Some of the info I've known all along, but have managed to push it down and ignore it for a long time. I know that there is no recovery from food addiction. I've known it for a long time. I'm a addict, no doubt about it. These essays have really put food back into perspective for me. I'm still a work in progress. Hopefully, I'll never be "done" and will always be getting closer to being the person I'm suppose to be.

Arlene
----------
High Weight 240
Low Weight 152
Current Weight 161
Maintaining almost 4 years
Currently Losing 10 pounds that I gained

Clearly you were doing a lot of things right (for your snowflake body) to keep the weight off for a very long time. It’s also interesting to me that you are finding so much on this site that you relate to, being that it doesn’t sound like staying on lowcarb for many years has, up to now anyway, been terribly difficult for you.

I hope you’ll keep us posted!

Adele (143 this morning)
----------
168/140, Size 16/8
Lowcarbing 10+ years
Maintaining at goal 7+ years
Moderator/Owner
adele@leadwiththediet.com

Yes, weighing daily in an integral part of keeping me in tune with what's going on with my body/eating. The few times that I've gotten away from the scale are when a few pounds have slipped on. The scale makes me accountable.

I've had no problem staying on low carb and maintaining my weight until last winter when the "10 lbs" happened. I guess the reason that all the essays/info is so interesting to me is that most of the information is things that I've figured out in my own journey, but I've never had anyone else that is sharing the same journey. It's really great to know that I'm not alone in this low carb journey.

I was "on board" at another low carb site for my entire weight loss journey. I lost my weight, went on maintenance and kept my weight off. There was no other person on that low carb site that could lose their weight much less keep it off. I was pretty lonely and isolated. I was beginning to think I was a pretty strange quirk in the low carb way of life. I tried sharing what I had learned to the others on that site, but pretty quickly learned that they were "playing the game" and not serious....more or less a social scenario.

I went to the Atkins site this year and found some good information on that site. That's where I found the link to this site and found all this information and support. I've had all the "rah, rah" and cheerleading that I can possibly stomach. The tough love I've read about here is great.

Low carb eating is a way of life for me. I know that I will always be "recovering" from addiction, but I also know that "one day at a time" is what it takes to get through the days, weeks, months and years. It's what's worked for me. There are no magical pills or solutions to my weight problem. It's just toughing every single day out and knowing that what I'm eating is what nourishes and replenishes my body. Eating is not entertainment, a cure for boredom, a problem solver, or a way to make other worries go away. It's nourishment for my body. That's it. Period. Like I shared before, I am a work in progress. I may not be perfect, and that's okay. I'm growing and learning along the way.

Thanks for your input!
Arlene
----------
High Weight 240
Low Weight 152
Current Weight 161
Maintaining almost 4 years
Currently Losing 10 pounds that I gained

Arlene, my experience is similar, although at a fortunate time for me in the journey, the point where I had been holding at the same weight (165) for way too long and it was time to fish or cut bait, as the saying goes, I was lucky enough to find a list that was extremely focused and had several successes happening. Sadly though, that list sputtered and died when the moderator began to seriously stumble and eventually disappeared quite a few years ago now.

Even on that exceptional list (where Connie and I initially connected), I found that after all the congratulations were over, people’s reactions to me slowly began to change. It gradually became clear that my posts—with my emerging lead-with-the-diet and the hard-line “cheating merely begets more cheating” perspective—began to irritate other participants, making them anything from uncomfortable to sad to furious...including that moderator who had for a time, when she was at a better place herself, been such a help and inspiration to me. I can certainly see why most of the longer-term successes I know quickly fall away from trying to help others. As messengers bringing quiet, simple yet sometimes embarrassing and infuriating truths of this journey, we get blamed and flamed a lot.

I still felt a strong need to be interacting a lot about this part of my life with others who were following this lifestyle, and I found several other decent lists to participate on until Connie helped me get this one started. I really feel that interaction is a big part of how/why I have been able to stay on this path that I too sometimes find lonely and isolating. One of the things I’ve found in my real life is that people honestly don’t seriously care much about what/how/why we eat... It’s MY interest, and thus my responsibility to find appropriate outlets for that. The other lists I enjoyed, but the chatter, the “unhelpful helping” and the commotion—sometimes hundreds of posts per day—got overwhelming. I finally felt strong enough to start a site of my own, where yes, lol, I could fix it so what I consider unhelpful or irrelevant discussion could be eliminated! (I still have control issues I guess, and clearly I still have a knack for pissing off folks, especially newbies who just KNOW that that this is all gonna be totally different for them...)

Arlene, please know that as a long-term to-goaler, your perspectives, your input is especially, exceptionally welcome here.

I know that I will always be "recovering" from addiction, but I also know that "one day at a time" is what it takes to get through the days, weeks, months and years. It's what's worked for me. There are no magical pills or solutions to my weight problem. It's just toughing every single day out and knowing that what I'm eating is what nourishes and replenishes my body. Eating is not entertainment, a cure for boredom, a problem solver, or a way to make other worries go away. It's nourishment for my body. That's it. Period. Like I shared before, I am a work in progress. I may not be perfect, and that's okay. I'm growing and learning along the way.

I hear ya Arlene, that’s the deal in a nutshell. I think if you could find and listen only to longer-term successes, that’s what you’d hear us all saying. No, not every day is tough, but in my 11th year of this journey some days, some spells, some situations, some people, still are. This does have a fairly large impact on my day-to-day life, it still has to come first, even if it’s a little more automatic now, but I have learned to be a little more socially gentle and graceful about it. I still spend moments, plenty of them, wishing I didn’t have to play it this way. I’m assuming it’s the same for you?

How’s the journey to re-losing the last 10 going? I do hope you’ll keep us posted.

Adele (142 this morning)
----------
168/140, Size 16/8
Lowcarbing 10+ years
Maintaining at goal 7+ years
Moderator/Owner
adele@leadwiththediet.com

The weight is good. Current weight is 155. I'd like to see the last five come off, but I'm concentrating on getting into shape for a 5K in November, so think the extra walking/running will help with that. Running a 5K is so not like me. I've been concentrating on getting healthy and sad but true, exercise is a crucial part of the plan. I'm running the Susan Komen 5K with my daughter in honor of her mother in law who is losing her battle with cancer. So sad. This is another thing that is stirring me on with the healthy lifestyle. Life is too short to mess around. Today should be lived as best we can live it. We're only given one body, and we need to take care of it.

I'm still struggling with emotional eating. It's a lifetime thing. When I'm upset, I tend to stand in front of the cupboard/or refrig and stare into it looking for the cure to being upset. Sometimes I even say outloud, "There's nothing in there that's going to make you feel better" and slam the door shut. Just hearing myself say it, "wakes me up" to the reality. Wouldn't it be nice to finally "get over" that? Just don't think it's going to happen. Realizing that it's never going away, and I have to just adapt, is a big step.

Til later,
Arlene

----------
High Weight 240
Low Weight 152
Current Weight 155
Maintaining almost 4 years
Currently Losing 10 pounds that I gained

Last Edited on 15-Aug-2007 2:04 PM

Yes it is. I don’t struggle as hard or as often as I used to, but I can still get momentarily a little down about the “costs” of this.

When I'm upset, I tend to stand in front of the cupboard/or refrig and stare into it looking for the cure to being upset. Sometimes I even say outloud, "There's nothing in there that's going to make you feel better" and slam the door shut. Just hearing myself say it, "wakes me up" to the reality. Wouldn't it be nice to finally "get over" that? Just don't think it's going to happen. Realizing that it's never going away, and I have to just adapt, is a big step.

I do the same thing Arlene, that is, I still sometimes go through the old motions. I sometimes remind myself of a dog with this...like digging on the carpet in dirt that isn’t really there, and I am sure I sometimes do the same thing you do, telling myself out loud that “hunger isn’t your problem, girlfriend”. For what it’s worth, usually it happens mostly when I’m momentarily irritated or overwhelmed. The journey has been learning to handle all of that better, and when it can’t be “handled”, learning that whatever it is, it will always pass.

Thanks for coming back (I e-mailed Arlene privately to ask if she still wanted to participate before I removed her thread.) I think it’s so helpful to have a clear presence of addicted at-goalers standing by.

Adele (140 this morning)
----------
168/140, Size 16/8
Lowcarbing 10+ years
Maintaining at goal 7+ years
Moderator/Owner
adele@leadwiththediet.com

Posting to be accountable to someone except for myself. This is really really hard to admit.....

I've let my emotional roller coaster take me for a ride the last week or so. Big Time! I've been eating like there was no tomorrow. For the first time in almost 4 years, I've even let the "sugar demon" take over. Disgusting! I'm so down on myself.

No excuses for myself, but just getting it down in writing may help me sort out why this happened...

I have a dear friend who just passed away a week ago with cancer. She died a very bitter death with lots of regrets on the way she lived her life. There was no peace in this death. It was just horrible to watch. Worst part, she was my daughter's mother in law. So, I've watched such sweet people have to take the brunt of her bitterness. My two little grandbabies have had to give up their grandma. It's really hard to see this happen. I'm in training for a 5K in November in support of cancer research in memory of her.

For some reason, I'm having a really hard time getting through this. I've experienced someone else close dying with cancer three years ago. I thought I had grieved through his death. Now, I'm not so sure. With this new grief added on, all the hurt still seems to be there. It's fresh, again.

That's where I'm coming from. I know I have to work through this. There is no one that can do it for me. This is how I've been handling it. EATING! I just want to scream!!!! I know better. I know that putting stuff in my mouth doesn't help in anyway. I knew when I took that first bite of something sweet, I would open the door to some terrible old habits. I know that watching death should make me want to live healthier and take care of myself. Knowing all these things hasn't helped one bit the last few days.

That old "perfect or nothing" gene is alive and well. I recognize its old stupid chant....."You have to be perfect." I've fought it all my life. Perfection is not attainable, but I still struggle to "get there".

Today, I'm starting fresh and just needed to air my downfalls. Leading with the diet again. I'm going to post what damage I've done on my weight in the a.m. Scared to death to see what I've done.

Thanks for letting me work through this here.

Arlene
----------
High Weight 240
Low Weight 152
Current Weight 166
Maintaining almost 4 years
Currently Losing 10 pounds that I gained

Last Edited on 17-Sep-2007 6:04 PM

. For the first time in almost 4 years, I've even let the "sugar demon" take over. Disgusting!

I don’t think it’s disgusting. People who eat sugar are not disgusting. I do, however, think in your case eating sugar is extremely dangerous. Breaking your abstinence after so long is unnerving. You’re emotionally sad, and now you’ve made yourself about as physically vulnerable as it is possible for you to be—at a time when you’re “out of practice” with trying to handle yourself in that state.

No excuses for myself, but just getting it down in writing may help me sort out why this happened...

Arlene, I hope you’ll take what I offer here into your thinking about the why...

I think it’s quite likely that you began a slow backslide way back when you tried to waggle nuts back into your life/diet, and gained 10 pounds. I’m wondering if you weren’t really starting to gradually “come a little undone” with some of what I write about in Ambivalence After Getting to Goal

Then, the nuts + weight gain rattled you a little more, you tried to right yourself by coming here and by escalating your exercise efforts. You then tried a STRICTER diet, which very often leads emotionally addicted eaters to “coming undone” (a little or a lot) emotionally, and then this big emotional event happened.

I have lots of thoughts and theories I’d like to share with you here and even some via e-mail if you’d be more comfortable with that, and I WILL do that except for two problems.

ONE is that I am at the busiest yearly place in my job right now and will be until about September 12-14. Until then, I’m extremely pressed for time.

TWO is that until you get your diet down clean and nailed, until you get your stronger foundation back and tethered, all the discussion and introspection in the world, any examination of why why why, in my opinion, isn’t really going to be helpful. Your reawakened dragon, banging on the bars, will drown most of that out.

You need to get yourself PHYSICALLY on “the other side” of this, then we’ll talk about the whys. You need DO right now, a lot more than you need to KNOW.

I would ask that you read Laina’s thread back when she seriously fell apart, back in April 2006. My advice about diet would be the same I gave her.

For some reason, I'm having a really hard time getting through this. I've experienced someone else close dying with cancer three years ago. I thought I had grieved through his death. Now, I'm not so sure. With this new grief added on, all the hurt still seems to be there. It's fresh, again.

For some reason? You’re exacerbating the pain by eating sugar honey, THAT’s now a big part of what is making your time getting through this harder.

I know that watching death should make me want to live healthier and take care of myself.

Death SHOULDN’T make you want to do anything. Death SHOULD hurt.

Today, I'm starting fresh and just needed to air my downfalls. Leading with the diet again. I'm going to post what damage I've done on my weight in the a.m. Scared to death to see what I've done.

Face it Arlene, get on the scale and see it and own it. And get yourself STRAIGHT back onto the cleanest foods you can,. In my opinion, this is no time to try to bribe yourself back on with lowcarb methadone (which is what 99% of people try to do)

Thanks for letting me work through this here.

Take care of yourself Arlene, and you know I don’t mean that in the vague way MOST people mean when they say that. Your grandchildren deserve a healthy, NOT-bitter grandma and it would seem you’re the only one they’ve got left now.

I’ll watch for your post tomorrow.

Adele (142 this morning)
----------
168/140, Size 16/8
Lowcarbing 10+ years
Maintaining at goal 7+ years
Moderator/Owner
adele@leadwiththediet.com

Thanks! You've really nailed a lot of things. I think that you are right about this "emotional" thing starting quite a while ago. My backslide with the 10 pounds really had me reeling. Anyway, not concentrating on the "why" right now. Today, I'm concentrating on the "do".

I'm back on clean eating. I had a really bad headache yesterday, but plowed through it. Food is ready, water bottle is within my reach.

Whenever you have time, let's go through some of your thinking on what's happening. By the time you get some free computer time, I will be firmly back into clean eating and would love to hash it with you. I'd prefer counseling by email, but let's do it on this site. That way, my failings might be able to help others that need counseling, too.

Got on the scale this a.m. and I'm up 10 pounds!!! I'm bloated and retaining water like crazy. Drank 64oz of water yesterday, but held on to it like crazy. My poor body---badly confused.

I'll read the post you suggested later this a.m. I'm off to the gym to get back "on the horse" in the way of exercise. I'm really looking forward to physically feel better again.

Thank you so much for being here! I'm amazed at your insite. Whenever you get a chance, I'll be ready to get to the bottom of this stage of my journey.

Arlene
----------
High Weight 240
Low Weight 152
Current Weight 166
Maintaining almost 4 years

I hope during the last couple of weeks you’ve managed to reclaim and now have a slightly firmer grasp on your abstinence, that you’re eating simple, clean lowcarb and that you are on the scale every morning, eyes wide open. Weight loss aside, it can take a surprisingly long time—months—to get back to the firmer emotional ground you probably had become more accustomed to than you ever realized by living sugar-free for almost 4 years. You’ll most likely find yourself more vulnerable at least through the winter holiday season, if not longer.

I’m not nearly as concerned with whether you are back to the exercise. Sure it would be a nice touch, but as food addicts, I think we have to keep acknowledging (through our behavior choices) that it’s the diet that leads us, it’s numero uno. It seems this was true of your recent stumble—you said “back on the horse” about exercise so I’m assuming that when you chucked the diet you (silently) connected the two and behaved “no diet, well then no exercise.” There’s a little more proof that the diet is in charge of us (all-or-nothing) addicted eaters.

Pre-binge, you also mentioned you had begun training for a 5K, that’s I why I noted “escalating” exercise in my last post. I’d be especially careful with that right now; you might want to reconsider that. The problem with an exercise “event” like that is the extreme training required, which can lead to some extreme (and unnecessary) body stress/needs. You know how it goes ...“I’m running/competing so I have a valid reason for NEEDING more sugar-carbs right now”...which leads to diet adjustments (or is it waggling?), probably starting with fruit, then some overindulging with fruits, which—remember the truth—can/will try to take over our thinking which tries to take over the lead on our behavior.

There’s also an abrupt end to deal with when the event is over. There’s a silent letdown and a “mission accomplished” with some accompanying urges—celebrations, a relief binge, an urge to say “I’ll rededicate myself to clean eating, you know, tomorrow...or maybe Monday.”

I’m all for regular exercise, don’t get me wrong. It just seems like it might be a much safer, saner idea to merely resume your normal, plain old regular exercise program (without the extreme build up/let down) right now and to beware of your addict’s urge toward compensatory behavior as part of the addicts dance of self-enabling.

Whenever you get a chance, I'll be ready to get to the bottom of this stage of my journey.

Well, I think I know what you’re talking about, but I haven’t exactly gotten to the bottom of this journey myself yet, so I’m not sure I can be of any help there. I’m guessing the bottom is dying without regain! (grin) All I have done is learn and slowly cement (over YEARS) some new behavior patterns that work better for me, especially in times of strong (good or bad) emotions. That’s not a bottom or an end, it is just a fundamental change in the way I manage and process my feelings that was (and still is) led by a long-long-long term forced (by me) behavior change.

What I think you mean is that you want to understand WHY you are so “innately” driven to eat crap so you will stop thinking about it, so you will stop considering it as a possible solution for any/everything, so you will stop doing it, so you will stop coming undone, right?

Well I think I understand a lot about myself now. I think I know how/when/why this behavior started in me, and I guess that’s a somewhat nice thing to know. Those insights took several years of abstinence before they began bubbling up and out. Then I spent several years trying to figure out how to change, fix, or make up for the past and guess what? (grin) I couldn’t and didn’t need to—in order to come to terms with the inner insights, that is. That’s taken another 5-6 years, more practice with abiding, settling down internally, primarily via staying physically calm and as centered as I can be with my boring, but centering, food.

And I still can't go back to using food as medication now that I UNDERSTAND because, just like an alcoholic, somewhere along the line I became physically as well as emotionally addicted. I can't change that part.

I’m not sure that understanding the origins of how I developed this emotional mis-management style (overeating/bingeing, that is) was necessary or particularly helpful. But having been through a long journey, and then ending up seeking professional counseling when after 3 years I just couldn’t seem to shake the emotional stuff that kept dogging me, I think it would have been a much better idea to have sought the counseling sooner. I think I could have saved a lot of time and angst—not just my own, but my family too. I suspect the counselor could have elicited the story from me pretty easily (and here I thought I was special, lol.)

The most important thing I understand now, via the hindsight of almost 11 years of never eating crap, is that the want, the urge, is never going to go completely away. I still want to “be like everybody else” about food at times. Sometimes I want to eat crap and I am still sometimes momentarily frustrated or sad or a little embarrassed that I can’t—well I still CAN (as you just learned)—but I don’t. This is not easy some days. I still have times of strong emotions, that’s human, and eating this way hasn’t yet removed or in any way elevated me emotionally from the human race. I have just learned to not step over the food crap line because I know that for me there are even bigger, scarier emotions to deal with on the other side of that.

Crap food makes me stupid. I don’t enjoy and I can’t “afford” that.

What I’ve observed about myself and others that might be helpful to you right now is that there seems to be a period after getting to goal that lasts somewhere between 3-4 years—I call this the retrofitting period. You beginning to come undone (the outward sign was the nut-waggling) at the two-and-a-half-year mark was not a huge surprise to me. I also suspect going gold standard pushed you a little harder in the "undone" direction. And finally you pushed the envelope a little harder.

Everybody waggles a bit during the retrofitting. It's dangerous, but it's part of the long-term learning about maintenance. Assuming you're back on track (happy about it or not, lol) eventually you will be able to take a valuable lesson from this big stumble, it will become part of your retrofitting journey.

I do think that, having let sugar back in, you’re at a very dangerous place now, and that if you think it’s important or that it would be helpful to know WHY you do this, I’d urge you to seek counseling from someone who has worked with binge eaters, and/or a therapist skilled in cognitive behavior therapy. Especially if you will remain abstinent through the counseling, I think you might be surprised at how quickly someone with experience and skill can help you sort this out and help get you a little more emotionally self-aware and clear. (I suspect we’re really not as complicated as we think in that way; I sure wasn’t. When I told my therapist my tale of woe, I was surprised when she said “it’s not uncommon at all.”)

So whadayathink Arlene? I hope you’ll let us know how you’re doing very soon.

Adele (142 this morning)
----------
168/140, Size 16/8
Lowcarbing 10+ years
Maintaining at goal 7+ years
Moderator/Owner
adele@leadwiththediet.com

I hope during the last couple of weeks you’ve managed to reclaim and now have a slightly firmer grasp on your abstinence, that you’re eating simple, clean lowcarb and that you are on the scale every morning, eyes wide open.

Yes, except for being sick with a stomach virus for three days, I'm back on clean good ole low carb.

It seems this was true of your recent stumble—you said “back on the horse” about exercise so I’m assuming that when you chucked the diet you (silently) connected the two and behaved “no diet, well then no exercise.”

Yep, you got me there. I'm an "all or nothing" kind of person.

I’m all for regular exercise, don’t get me wrong. It just seems like it might be a much safer, saner idea to merely resume your normal, plain old regular exercise program.

You're probably right about this, but I've already committed to doing this. This is something I don't want to let go of right now. I consider it part of the "healing" of losing my friend and something important for me to finish.

Whenever you get a chance, I'll be ready to get to the bottom of this stage of my journey.

Well, I think I know what you’re talking about, but I haven’t exactly gotten to the bottom of this journey myself yet, so I’m not sure I can be of any help there. I’m guessing the bottom is dying without regain! (grin)

Yes, you guessed what I was talking about, but my wording wasn't exactly great, huh? I know that this journey won't ever be over, but I'd like to find out how to sidestep this trap of emotional eating. I know that there WILL be a next time. I've experienced what a mess emotional eating can make of me. I DON'T want to do it again. I thought I was over the emotional/eating roller coaster, but this has been a true awakening for me. Though I've told myself that I can handle emotions other ways besides eating, I see now that this danger is there lurking.

And I still can't go back to using food as medication now that I UNDERSTAND because, just like an alcoholic, somewhere along the line I became physically as well as emotionally addicted. I can't change that part.

I need to chew on this a while.

Counseling? I'm sure that talking to a counselor would be very helpful. Something else for me to think on.

I agree, I'm in a dangerous position right now. Teetering on the edge, but determined to hang on. Stepped on the scale this a.m. and the battery was gone. I'll get another battery today. Accountability is a big thing.

Thanks again for taking the time to give me your thoughts. You've given me several things to ponder on.

Arlene

----------
High Weight 240
Low Weight 152
Current Weight 161
Maintaining almost 4 years
Currently Losing 10 pounds that I gained

Last Edited on 13-Sep-2007 6:33 AM

Connie, I emailed you.

Arlene
----------
High Weight 240
Low Weight 152
Current Weight 164
Maintaining almost 4 years

I’m glad to hear you bowed out of the 5K. Events like that always have changes and cancellations, right up to the last minute. I think you’re right, it’s your eating that deserves your full attention, and an exercise event like that is just sort of fraught with landmines for addicted eaters, a potent way to get totally avoidable mind/body games going with food.

Now I’d like to address something you said two posts ago:

I know that this journey won't ever be over, but I'd like to find out how to sidestep this trap of emotional eating. I know that there WILL be a next time.

To me this is similar to what Joy has just asked—isn’t there some way to just prevent, get over or avoid the emotional eating part of me? I know when you said you know there WILL be a next time, that you didn’t mean you know there will be a next time that you will eat sugar, that what you meant is that you are sure that there are many more highly emotional times to come for you, times when strong emotions will prod you to eat in an attempt to change them—to make them go away if they are bad or maybe even to enhance or heighten them if they are good ones.

Ahem (grin). It is my opinion, based on my experience with myself and with helping a few other determined lowcarbers to move further away from their emotional eating past, that the way we undo the emotional eating trap is that we simply (not easily!) stop doing it. We stop eating emotionally by always having a plan (and the necessary food) in place for our needs, by keeping ourselves fueled with (yes, boring) rock-solid emotional foundation food-fuel. We do this until (and this “until”, I’ve observed, often takes an extremely long time—about 3-5 years) almost by accident, our response to an emotional challenge is to set a roast out of the freezer to thaw because we see tough times coming and the new instinct we’ve gently been hammering into ourselves, by leading with abstinence day in and year out, is “I sense rough seas ahead, I need to get my foundation as rock-solid-steady as I can right now.” Until we almost wouldn't dream of reacting any other way. We make new habits for facing what is tough stuff for us.

And even now, almost 8 years after getting to goal, 7 years after my emotional floodwall broke when (because!) I refused to medicate any more, I believe I could still undo myself by eating crap. But I’m 99% sure I won’t eat crap, I’ve got those new instincts and habits now. I’ve built a new life of being (very occasionally) a little different, or funny, about food/eating. The people I spend much time with know this and, if it was necessary, have had the time and ability to come to their own terms with it, as have I.

That is what came—somewhat surprisingly—when I built it.

Keep us posted Arlene!

Adele (142 this morning)
----------
168/140, Size 16/8
Lowcarbing 11+ years
Maintaining at goal 7+ years
Moderator/Owner
adele@leadwiththediet.com

Last Edited on 24-Sep-2007 6:36 PM

One of the articles I read said that an addictive personality is not a "flawed personality". This really hit home. I've always believed this was some kind of "wrong" gene implanted in me. It's perfectly normal. It's the decision of HOW I use this trait that is abnormal. Just knowing that, I feel more in control. I had been feeling that I was going down the drain in a whirlpool that I couldn't control. Now, it makes sense to me that the feeling I had of being "out of control" was of my own choosing. I'm getting more of a firm grasp on what's going on inside of me. I know this journey of growing is good, just kind of painful once in a while. Let me know what ya think.

This a.m.'s weight 164.

Arlene
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High Weight 240
Low Weight 152
Current Weight 161
Maintaining almost 4 years
Currently Losing 10 pounds that I gained

I’m quibbling semantics here, but I don’t think it’s exactly our own choosing, so much as it is our refusal to truly believe (by accepting behavior) that our food choices, chemically, biologically, put our particular bodies into states that are unpleasant and undesirable, even if one initial, superficial, momentary reaction is pleasure.

Not unlike alcohol, gambling, overspending, illicit sex, or heroin is for other bodies/lives.

Your (and my) body doesn’t—can’t and never will—do any kind of well with those kinds of foods. Fair or not, right or not, want or not, popular or not, natural or not, “sense” or not.

How’s it going Arlene?

Adele (141 this morning)
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168/140, Size 16/8
Lowcarbing 11+ years
Maintaining at goal 7+ years
Moderator/Owner
adele@leadwiththediet.com

I'm doing good. I've been on vacation and have not gained anything by being off schedule. We were in a cabin where I had control over what we ate, so it was a breeze.

I'm keeping food prepared and when those emotional roller coasters occur, I don't have to wonder what I'm going to eat. Boy, is this ever key! I still stand amazed how eating low carb makes my body feel so much stronger. My mental state seems clearer, too. Even after all this time, I LOVE Dr. Atkins and what his diet has done for me. I'm better all over because of eating low carb.

I'm not going into the gym as much as I was. I'm "leading with the diet" and I'll get into the exercising again soon.

Thanks for asking.

Arlene
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High Weight 240
Low Weight 152
Current Weight 162
Maintaining almost 4 years

That is certainly what I’ve found Arlene. That was the essence of my click moment, that was the painfully simple truth underneath all my excuses and the overall failure pattern from the old me, which is who and what I abandoned when I decided to just screw it all and throw in the towel—in the exact opposite way of how I used to “give up”: Just lead with a plan of simple food for my body and let all the chips, whatever those might be, fall where they may. Some of those chips have been surprising, both in how deeply entangled this decision sometimes is to execute in my day-to-day life, as well as how long (forever so far!) I’ve felt pressure (from myself, from the culture at large, and from some occasionally challenging individuals) to abandon my own “ridiculously rigid” ship.

By staying ahead of everything and everybody (most especially ourselves!) you’re right: we don’t have to wonder, and we eliminate what is probably our easiest excuse for waggling.

I’m glad to hear you’ve steadied yourself. The rest is boring: lather, rinse, repeat the (boring?) pattern that works for YOU. It is surprising how rich and interesting the REST of life can become when we’re fueled, clear and “present”, as opposed to “inside,” hiding, numbing down all our worries and insecurities, trying to conjure ways to fit in and be “normal”—I think the bigger concept is acceptable, lovable. Strip away all the superficial cultural dances, and our worth and worthiness have nothing to do with what, when, how and why we eat.

Keep us informed, okay?

Adele (143 this morning)
----------
168/140, Size 16/8
Lowcarbing 11+ years
Maintaining at goal 7+ years
Moderator/Owner
adele@leadwiththediet.com

I had a great Christmas and am steady keeping on keeping on. The weight is steady 160-162. This is not where I would like to be, but I am grateful for the steadiness and not the roller coaster ride I had earlier.

I'm going to catch up on all the posts. How are you, Adele?

Arlene

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High Weight 240
Low Weight 152
Current Weight 161
Maintaining almost 4 years
Currently Losing 10 pounds that I gained

I'm re-reading Dr. Oz's book "You on a Diet". I just kind of skimmed it the first time I read it. This time, I'm trying to absorb where he's coming from. Really, really good info in it.

I hope to post more often. The holidays were a little crazy for me.

Arlene
----------
High Weight 240
Low Weight 152
Current Weight 161
Maintaining almost 4 years
Currently Losing 10 pounds that I gained

Yes Arlene, I found that this is the crux of it for me. Most of us can (and do!) fight it with everything we have, over and over, wanting so much to believe that once we have a grip on ourselves and/or if we escalate the exercise, we will surely be able to include moderate amounts of “healthy” foods—especially healthy things like nuts, fruits, natural foods, grains, etc.

When I got to goal, the first thing I did was ASSUME that I would be able to eat raw nuts. I promptly gained—and then had to lose—6 pounds. The next test, after I got the nut weight back off, was a few weeks of trying to include a piece of fruit every day. After not having had fruit for several years, I realized that very slowly, my thoughts, my days, my life, began to center—okay LUST!!—around the moment I could get home and could Have MY Fruit (an apple or a pear). I realized then that it was a familiar old feeling that had come back, just like the old days, and it was taking me (back) over. I don’t think I gained weight, I honestly don’t remember. I do remember it was little difficult to give up the fruit when I decided I had to. But it was also a kind of aha thing, I’m sort of glad I tested that fairly early and went through that. It helped me “hear” and begin to truly value the inner quiet I think it’s easy to begin taking for granted after a few years off any kind of sweet, including those pesky “natural” ones.

I hope to post more often. The holidays were a little crazy for me.

The holidays are the last big hurdle for most of us who get to goal (they were for me anyway.) Not only did I have to learn to endure having the treats around constantly and well-meaning people sometimes urging me to “relax” now that I wasn’t heavy anymore, I also had to abide through the urge for relief-bingeing when the holiday was over, once the guests had left and all the commotion had died down—you know, when the quiet returned. (We addicts find quiet disquieting...) That took 4-5 holiday seasons. For several years into maintenance, the best thing I could say about the holidays was that I felt so good when they were over, relieved as well as pleased that I made it through unscathed, without all the regrets and disappointment in myself I used to have at the same time each year. For years after getting to goal, I had to work hard to take the holidays one PLANNED day at a time.

In my early years of maintenance I would make a lowcarb dessert for myself at Thanksgiving and Christmas, and on my birthday as well, and allow myself one giant serving, then dispose of any leftovers before I went to bed—either down the disposer or into to the trash with dish soap poured over it, to prevent a middle-of-the-night trash-can dive. Over time I got tired of that drill—tired of making a separate, “special treat”. From abstaining over the years, even “treat” food slowly lost its thrill, its appeal to me. I eventually got tired of the waste; and tired of dealing with the cravings and the post-nasal drip and plugged sinuses (from dairy) that I had to endure as a result. I can handle cravings, my food patterns are simple and strong now but, man oh man, it’s a whole lot easier to just not do what causes them in the first place.

This year at Christmas, mostly as an experiment, I made a very small amount of a no-dairy pumpkin custard-like dessert. I didn’t measure anything, just used some pumpkin, an egg and some pumpkin pie spice, sweetened it with pure stevia powder and baked it. I was mainly curious as to whether stevia would cause cravings for me. It did. The stuff was fair—not bad, although I doubt most lowcarbers would have taken a second bite! I expect to do without next year!

I hope you post more often too Arlene.

Adele (143 this morning)
----------
168/140, Size 16/8
Lowcarbing 11+ years
Maintaining at goal 8+ years
Moderator/Owner
adele@leadwiththediet.com

I can feel the difference in my clothing finally and know that this clean eating is paying off. It's amazing what just a few pounds can make in the way the clothes fit.

I had mentioned earlier that I was reading Dr. Oz's book (You on a Diet). What is so enlightening to me is the knowledge of how the body works in relationship to different foods. He even says the state of obesity is an inflammation in the body. Makes a lot of sense. He goes into hormones and how they work, too. Good information. Some of the information just "clicked" in my brain. You know, like a puzzle with a missing piece and finally the pieces are all there. (light bulb moments!!??)

Weight 160 this a.m.

Arlene

----------
High Weight 240
Low Weight 152
Current Weight 161
Maintaining almost 4 years
Currently Losing 10 pounds that I gained

I've taken your advice, Adele, and am in counseling about past issues. It is indeed a freedom to know that what I feel is okay. I have suppressed my emotions my whole life not even knowing I was doing it. Amazing.....quite a revelation. I'm now working through some issues that I thought were quite "settled" in my mind, but were not at all.

My weight is the same 160 and that is okay. I'm leading with the diet and everything else seems to be falling into place.

Arlene

----------
High Weight 240
Low Weight 152
Current Weight 161
Maintaining almost 4 years
Currently Losing 10 pounds that I gained

I'm enjoying the "truths" I'm seeing through counseling. I have been having "a-ha" moments pretty often and then after those awakenings, I feel like weights have been lifted off of my body. Pretty amazing the trash that I carried around for years and never knew it. Mental baggage can be pretty tiring to haul around.

The eating is good. I did get off on nuts a week or so ago. But I caught myself immediately and did a u-turn and got back on track.

One thing I would like to share of what I'm learning is this. No one call "make" you do or feel anything without your permission. The way you handle emotional ups and downs is how YOU CHOOSE to handle them. You have the power. No one else has the power UNLESS you give it to them. This has helped me over some hurdles. Hope it will help someone else.

Adele, again, thanks for this forum. It really helps to be accountable to it.

Current weight 159.

Arlene
----------
High Weight 240
Low Weight 152
Current Weight 161
Maintaining almost 4 years
Currently Losing 10 pounds that I gained

Time is flying by...sorry so long in posting.

I just read your essay "Going into the Pain". You are so right on, Adele. The fear of pain, loss, or even the fear of being "hungry" is usually so much worse than what is anticipated. The time and worry wasted on the "have not happened yet" things is completely mentally and physically exhausting. And what have you helped by wasting the time in your life on the fear? Not a thing. I try to remember that fear is not of God but of Satan.

I'm doing okay. I've had some severe highs and severe lows in my mental state, but I'm still on track in my eating. Being prepared is still key. Having my foods cooked up and ready to grab and go when necessary.

I hope to get some more good walks in right now when the weather is just right and not too hot. (South Texas)

Will post again when I can.

Arlene
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High Weight 240
Low Weight 152
Current Weight 159
Maintaining almost 4 years

As for my eating, fruit has been creeping in pretty often. The garden is producing great squash, peppers, cucumbers, tomatoes. Eating these is like eating sunshine. Love it, love it, love it. I can almost feel I'm eating pure good health!!!!

My weight fluctuates up a couple of pounds, down a couple of pounds. It's pretty much settled at 158. That is okay with me. I feel great, very strong and very healthy.

Adele, hope your summer gives you some "reprieve and rest" before your school starts again. Summers sure seem to fly by.

I just found out that I have another "grand" baby coming for Christmas this year. Nothing more exciting that a new life to love.

Take care
Arlene

----------------------------
High Weight 240
Low Weight 152
Current Weight 158
Maintaining 4 years

Adele (141 this morning)
----------
168/140, Size 16/8
Lowcarbing 12+ years
Maintaining at goal 8+ years
Moderator/Owner
adele@leadwiththediet.com