I haven't posted here for a while because nothing exciting has been happening. Well, on the 4th of July, that all changed for me. We celebrated my son turning three at my mother's house where my brothers and sister now also reside. We got there at 1030 AM and left at 730PM. For the entire time I had "legal" food placed in front of me. From ribs, to chicken, it was all made "special" for me. So I indulged and literally ate most of the day legally. The only thing I had that wasn't GS was a few pieces of Italian sausage wrapped in bacon.

My feelings of wanting that sick family bond overcame me and I was part of it as when I was a little girl. On the way home from there, I asked my husband if he had any doubts as to how I got to be 423 pounds? He said no. On top of this, I felt stuffed, sick, and frustrated that I didn't lead with the diet instead lead with the feelings of wanting to be loved and accepted on their terms.

I wasn't going to post or share this because I felt as though that I was living up to this idea that I had to appear perfect or "amazing" to all of you. I get emails often telling me how amazing I am and I guess I needed to get a dose of humility in me to see that I am real and that I am far from perfect. I have been abstinent since then and to be honest with you all, it was a gift that I did go there and find out and revisit the "old Mary." She is no longer who I am nor who I wish to ever become again.
I will NEVER go to my mother's house for that long nor lead with anything other than my plan..and MY food. My serenity, my life, and my well being all depend on this.

I have learned a lot about this experience.

1. I got validation that my family is toxic and that I need to be very careful and limit my exposure to them as well as my kids.

2. I am only one bite away from that next binge if I choose to lead with feelings instead of my diet.

3. I am a food addict and NEVER will be cured.

4. I enjoy my peace of mind and serenity too much to throw it away like I did that day.

5. I can and will gain my weight back and then some if I eat that way again...mostly if I let sugar or wheat in.

6. I love myself too much to go back to where I was before.

7. I like who I see in the mirror these days and that my mirror is my friend.

8. I love the direction my life is going with school and work.

9. I love the clarity that I have when I am abstinent.

10. I love myself enough to decide, provide, and abide.

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Mary

HW423/CW158
265 Pounds Gone
Today's weight...162

In a sense, I decided to try it MY way for just a moment. These moments are starting to come closer and closer together and if I don't straighten up and fly right, I wont be flying but plummeting into the abyss head first.

The other night I decided to pick at my husband's Chinese food as I served it to him. About three pieces of pork from his fried rice and then about two small pieces of his General Tsao's Chicken which was breaded and had some type of spicy but sweet sauce the old Mary was in charge and the dragon was in his glory. I remembered what it tasted like and I missed having that ole familiar taste in my mouth. There was an emotional factor for sure that occurred here and not a physical one. That came later.

I am posting my truth in hopes that people will see the pattern that I am following and choose NOT to follow this route. The pattern started a while ago when I decided to have an extra helping of beef for dinner after the food was put away and dinner was done with. I chalked it up to excessive hunger. Then the all out binge at mothers house where it was done rather safely with legal foods PLUS a handful of nuts and a handful of sausage wrapped in bacon slices. I managed to "get a way" with that fiasco and look where I am right now? I decided to gamble and play with fire. Ask yourself this question before you go down this route..."Am I ready to flush down all my hard work, my improved health, my new life, and my steady foundation down the toilet for that moment of bliss of self fulfillment and old method of feelings management?

So for the next few weeks, I have raised my fat,veggie, and calories some in the form of another small meal to center myself and repair the shaky foundation that lies beneath me. I am experiencing a little bit of a weight gain which I am right now willing to accept as being better than spiraling out of control.

For the next 6-12 months, I will choose to be VERY careful and mindful of the decisions that I make in reference to my food. I also have backup plans in place in case that overwhelming urge should return. I overdid it with taking so many classes and trying to balance home, school, work, children and my own care. Yes, I decided to do all or nothing with school and am seeing that even though I am doing well in school, that without a healthy balance that the rest of my life isn't doing as well.
Leading with the diet for today,
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Mary

HW423/CW158
265 Pounds Gone
Today's weight...163

MARY: I am really glad that I decided to listen to your advice about eating more for the time being
MARY: I felt unsettled yesterday.
MARY: My food wasn’t though.
ADELE: I know
ADELE: A cheat like that leaves people rattled for a long long time. It comes and goes. Remember seeing people come back to the lists and saying I've been good for a week, I'm okay now. But they weren’t okay at all.
MARY: Well, I can see that without a doubt.
ADELE: You're only okay unless/until you waggle (again).
ADELE: What you learn on your first few tests is that you absolutely CAN get away with SOME waggling. Waggling = gambling. That is ... difficult information to handle
MARY: Well that waggling will put me in one ugly place.
ADELE: It wasn’t THAT bad. The "damage" can be undone.
MARY: Well, considering my family history with gambling...I don’t think that I want to go there again.
ADELE: But after a few waggles you're back dancing, in "damage control" mode (most often CRLs call it "reinduction") mode. Life danced in damage control mode = war. Life without the dance of damage control = peace.
MARY: I can handle the word "test"...but the word "gamble"..turns me off
ADELE: Well then look at testing as gambling. Because for you that's what it is.
MARY: It surely is.
MARY: Mostly the kind of "test" that I was doing.
MARY: It is easy to slip back into the old behaviors mostly when it is all around you.
MARY: And deeply embedded within you as well.
ADELE: Well the thing is, our whole culture will gladly support you on this kind of “gambling”
MARY: Sure
ADELE: Nobody really believes this is really an addiction.
ADELE: right
MARY: It is all over.
ADELE: You can't fix that honey.
MARY: Nope
ADELE: And you don't need to.
MARY: Gosh, I have a hard enough time fixing Mary.
ADELE: exactly.
MARY: Forget trying to fix everyone and everything else.
ADELE: Except that we are social creatures by nature, and therefore we can't ALWAYS forget about everyone and everything else. We just have to abide.
MARY: I find it interesting, how I can be fine while at work with all those goodies
ADELE: Well at work, everyone has a time limit for being there, and a purpose/role to fulfill for being there. Also, “Amazing Mary” is being WATCHED, noticed at work.
MARY: but then when I am home, with my family or alone, that I have the hardest times of wanting to stick to it.
ADELE: BINGO.
ADELE: Addicts find quiet disquieting.
MARY: I was just gonna say that. I was actually going to ask you if that is what was going on with that.
ADELE: The social "challenges" really are relatively easy to deal with.
MARY: Work serves as a distraction doesn’t it?
ADELE: Because when it comes down to it, this is primarily about our relationship with ourselves.
ADELE: Almost anything can serve as a distraction. The diet itself, especially during the weight loss stage, the “I have this big important project I am working on” is a terrific distraction itself.
MARY: Well, since we addicts, in most cases, haven’t had healthy relationships with others...
ADELE: Until we're alone with ourselves and our truths (which can happen in a roomful of people)
MARY: How are we supposed to learn to have a healthy relationship with ourselves?
ADELE: Well step #1 is to lead with self-respecting actions.
MARY: And wouldn’t it be true then that we can’t possibly have a healthy relationship with others if we can’t have one with ourselves?
ADELE: Yes, I believe that’s true. However, I think it's quite possible to go through life "going through the motions" of healthy relationships with others, wearing what psychologists call our "social masks", without having a healthy relationship with ourselves. We’re not REALLY having healthy relationships with others at that point, but the relationships surely can “pass” for healthy, probably more easily than a truly healthy relationship can, lol. We have (unrealistic) models for that all over the place—in commercials, on TV, etc.
MARY: That isn’t being "real" though...is it?
ADELE: No, it isn’t. Going through the motions (which seems like what a lot of life is), isn't the same thing as having healthy relationships.
MARY: I’m having a real hard time with that right now. I am going through the motions, but
MARY: That isn’t MY truth.
ADELE: This all takes a tremendous amount of time and abiding (and with me some counseling helped a lot.)
MARY: Now, I use my mouth and speak my truth and boy does that cause ripples.
ADELE: That “disturbs” the relationship
ADELE: Once you get clear on the truth, it's a lot harder to lie to yourself or to anyone else.
MARY: I see that, boy do I see that!
ADELE: But there is also this thing about being "new to the truth"
MARY: Tell me
ADELE: ... hard to put into words
MARY: You’re the writer...find ‘em...wink
ADELE: Kind of like that fingernail analogy we talk about. For a while, when you first discover "the truth" you are just overwhelmed with the rawness, the “differentness” and bigness of it all. Does that make any sense?
MARY: Yes
ADELE: You see truth everywhere you turn. Painful truth!
ADELE: And other people think you are sorta crazy, lol
MARY: Well, you forgot something though..
MARY: I think, I am crazy too.
ADELE: Oh yes, I remember that now. Well you're mostly not.
ADELE: But there is this element of going a little crazy with the truth at first, because it is so big, so simple, and yet so powerful. It can be overwhelming.
ADELE: And we ARE drama queens, remember.
MARY: Can a person go all or nothing with the truth at first?
ADELE: YES. I think that’s part of it.
ADELE: It's like, "now that I know the truth, I must change my WHOOOOOOOLLLLLE life RIGHT NOW, and make it all perfectly aligned to the truth and truthful. (And everything and everybody MUST fall in line with that or out with them.) And then you see that if that were to really happen, it would HURT a lot of people and change a lot of things. Aaaack. We’re nice, good people, we’re pleasers! We’d rather hurt ourselves than hurt others. Uh-oh, lol.
ADELE: (We're control freaks too, remember, lol)
MARY: You know what I realized the other day? That I was thinking that my life would be so much better with losing the weight...I thought the same with school.
MARY: And in the process, took on too much too soon.
MARY: I used that sledgehammer that you talk about.
ADELE: Right. Now you're trying to “take on” (and control?) the truth.
ADELE: Your life IS so much better (in most ways) since you lost the weight. The same will be true of school too.
ADELE: Believe me, if you regain the weight, you will look back at this time and say "why was I so upset?? I had a lot more than I realized"
ADELE: And you would be back to many fewer options for your life. But a lot of your “truths” would be out of the bag. Truth is like toothpaste--you can’t put it back in the tube. Can’t un-ring a bell.
MARY: I see that I was hoping that school would CURE my problems as did my thoughts about losing the weight in my childish, fairy tale world would.
ADELE: BINGO
MARY: LOL
ADELE: There's always a bigger, better cure around the corner. (But then our suspected “cures” overwhelm us.)
ADELE: But you're building it Mary.
MARY: That is why when you told me to grow up and decide..well..that is what I needed to do.
MARY: And enjoy the ride.
ADELE: You are where you should be as long as you don't suddenly (impulsively) decide to kick down your carefully built house of solid wooden blocks, as I am sure you’ve seen (emotionally immature) preschoolers do when they get frustrated, angry and/or overwhelmed. Or even just silly for a moment.
MARY: Yes, I have seen that in kids.
ADELE: Our impulses are our biggest enemies. Bargaining chips of the dragon.
ADELE: And let me add here that, in comparing our journeys, although some of the details are different, I was pretty much at the same place with my life after I got to goal. I am still with my DH. There was a time when I would not have predicted that. A LONG time.
ADELE: I was waiting for my youngest to finish high school
ADELE: And then my aunt was sick and dying.
ADELE: I just had a whole lot more learning/processing to do.
MARY: I can only imagine.
ADELE: And in the meantime, hey, others in our lives have their own life journeys too.
MARY: Oh yes!
ADELE: This isn't ALL about US
MARY: Nope..it would be easier if it was.
ADELE: Well that "right", that perspective stopped the moment we became parents.
MARY: We have good conversations on the weekends..lol
ADELE: Anyway, this is a HUGE stage of the retrofitting Mary
ADELE: and it lasts a long long time
ADELE: And how you decide from here is absolutely PIVOTAL.
MARY: Well, I didn’t think there were any more stages.
ADELE: Well you were wrong.
MARY: I guess...I thought I was done...without admitting it.
ADELE: Everybody does. Everybody has to test that.
MARY: Apparently..lol
ADELE: Although WHEN you did it wasn’t, WHAT you did was totally predictable. It’s what you (decide to) DO from this point that is not. Well, in a sad sense it IS fairly predictable. You have huge odds to beat now, even bigger ones.
MARY: Well, no one can predict the future.
ADELE: If you carefully ready lowcarb lists, you'll see what more than 90% of the all-the-way-to-goal losers do. Remember, the all-the-way-to-goalers are the tiny few who have managed NOT to bail, to keep abiding (and changing enough), UNTIL they got there. Like you. Getting there causes some BIG changes.
MARY: But I can behave the way I want to...to produce the desired outcome.
ADELE: BINGO
MARY: It is a deeper part of surrendering
ADELE: an hour at a time, a feeding at a time, one foot in front of the other.
ADELE: Yes
ADELE: This is a process, not an event.
MARY: Progress..not perfection, that is what is preached in OA a lot.
ADELE: But be careful that you don't confuse abstinence with perfection. I've got an article about that up on the site somewhere. That's where a lot of addicts try to go with abstinence. Say, “I can’t be perfect”. An alcoholic remaining abstinent has nothing to do with perfection. It’s merely a baseline condition of a truthful and productive, but still imperfect life, that’s all.
MARY: People think if you eat more than you planned for a day...you blew it! .. Not true..
ADELE: I think that’s mostly semantics at this point. You know you're in at least a little trouble when you're arguing semantics with yourself. When you find yourself doing that, it’s time to shut off the argument in your head and just go eat right no matter what you're thinking. Slowly, OVER YEARS, you'll get deeper hooked (anchored) into the pattern you've already set of separating your eating from your thinking/feeling. That's how you HAVE to play this if you are an addict, IMO.
ADELE: What was your weight this morning. (I'm 141)
MARY: My weight was 162, pretty much staying the same
ADELE: Your weight is NOT pretty much staying the same, in my opinion dear, it’s already coming down—even as you’re eating a little more. Less than a week later.
ADELE: Which is both a good thing and yet also a "dangerous" thing. Seeeeeee?
MARY: It is a good thing because I am not gaining...but again VERY dangerous in that am seeing that...it didn’t hurt me THAT much
ADELE: This is "flirt with the dragon" time.
MARY: Boy does that dragon love that
ADELE: You've engaged him
MARY: Yes, see above
ADELE: YOU love it TOO Mary
ADELE: It's so much less boring
ADELE: SSS [an acronym for “steady steady steady”] all the time is boring
MARY: But it isnt a very nice way to be, honest
ADELE: nice? what's nice got to do with it?
MARY: This jumping all over the place is crappie. The emotional ups and downs and now the cravings on top of that due to letting that little taste of sugar in.
ADELE: It's the old dance
ADELE: And hey, you "fit in" with people so much better when you do this. It’s so much less socially risky. (Except now you’ve painted yourself into a little social corner by being “amazing”.)
MARY: The old dance, as comforting as it is...isn’t my dance now.
ADELE: Having fun with food means you can shed that burdensome "amazing" role for just a moment.
MARY: But I do see that it would be easier to two step back into that dance
ADELE: "amazing" = under the microscopes of others.
ADELE: Easy as pie (pun intended)
MARY: Well, forget amazing
MARY: I am more concerned with keeping my darn head above the water ... swimming
MARY: and yes, ANCHORING
ADELE: Dr. Phil: "You either get it or you don't"
ADELE: Get it?
MARY: This up and down insanity is not what it is all cracked up to be
MARY: and those who do this regularly no doubt will fall eventually.
ADELE: And two times in one month is a good prequel to “regularly”
MARY: Not to mention being one miserable person.
ADELE: "You either get it or you don't". Do you get it?
ADELE: Can you SEE it?
MARY: Well, I GET it...
ADELE: Not unless you DO it, you don’t. If you get it and don't DO it, then you didn't REALLY get it after all.
MARY: Exactly
ADELE: If you GET it, you WILL do it.
ADELE: And if you build it, they will come. You are (or at least were) building it.
MARY: Regardless of wanting to or not
MARY: Regardless of feelings.
ADELE: If you can get through the next 3-4 YEARS (yes, I know it's an overwhelmingly huge long time), you will slowly come to some more peace with this.
MARY: Well, you have always said that the first three years of maintenance are the hardest.
ADELE: But you've muddled through 2 years of clean eating now. And all in all, tough as it was, it was better than it used to be, and it wasn't THAT hard.
MARY: Yes I have.
ADELE: Remember how we said once you see the truth, it's all around us.
MARY: Sigh
MARY: Oh yes
ADELE: There's a lot of truth to see about a lot of journeys out there, but lots of dancing and noise to distract us from that. All kinds of "information" and research being shared. Too much information, it all helps distract from the more simple, quiet truth. There is a public cacophony out there to distract us from our simple truths.
MARY: Quiet right now for me is VERY disquieting.
ADELE: Of course.
ADELE: Do you remember now that I have called the summer of 2000, "the summer of my nervous breakdown"?
MARY: And when I dont have a choice but to be quiet..then it is real hard for me.
ADELE: (That was also about the time I met Connie, for what that’s worth.)
MARY: Yes
ADELE: Well welcome to your nervous breakdown honey.
MARY: Huh?
ADELE: I wonder if it wouldn’t be helpful for you to go see your therapist again a few times.
MARY: Not an option right now.
ADELE: don't say that so fast.
MARY: Adele, I have too much going on right now
MARY: I believe after school this month things will lighten up for me
ADELE: Well that would be a great time to sit down with him to help you process some of this stuff
MARY: Well, we will see how things go these next few weeks
ADELE: Think about it honey.
MARY: Oh my
MARY: Sigh
ADELE: I think you are very very worth it
ADELE: And I just suspect he does too.
ADELE: I am positive that he often wonders about you and how you are.
ADELE: I also think I want to use this conversation (personal names edited of course) on the list as a "reply" to your post about your recent gamble.
ADELE: I will run anything by you before I post it for your approval.
MARY: Sure
ADELE: You are mud wrestling with the dragon right now
MARY: Well, I have one up on him
ADELE: Just slowly step out of the mud. The dragon will go back to sleep only when he sees that toying with you will get him no more results.
MARY: I have a plan and an anchor
MARY: and I will be darned if I let the dragon win
ADELE: Lead yourself out with the diet. Pull yourself out with the anchor it offers. It is the only way out honey.
MARY: My foundation is being repaired and refinished
ADELE: You're human like everybody else Mary
MARY: There isn’t any rocket science involved
ADELE: Nope
MARY: I just need to do it.
ADELE: You don't need any more INFORMATION. Or cheers. Or people telling you that you are amazing. You need LESS from others, more reliance on YOURSELF and your anchor.
MARY: That is right.. I GET it...in fact..I have had IT for a while
MARY: Now it is a matter of me just doing it
ADELE: Testing IS part of getting it. Obviously the most dangerous part.
ADELE: It's all about where you go from here.
ADELE: with the "information" you now have given yourself (twice)
MARY: Well, I hope I am not going to do any more "tests" for a while
ADELE: I hope that too. That’s all up to you too honey.
MARY: Yes, I know
ADELE: Well just get you back centered, now with a whole lot more truth about how the beast will always be within you.
MARY: I am not there yet
ADELE: Neither am I. I’ll let you know if/when I ever get THERE. I know, honey, just when you thought you'd seen ALL the truth out there.
MARY: And the mention of my therapist..got more things stirring than I can explain
ADELE: I know.
ADELE: But I think you ARE stirring
MARY: There is a lot stirring going on right now
ADELE: Wouldn't it be a RELIEF to see him? To start sorting out some more spillage.
MARY: Sigh...I know it would be...but it also would be draining. It would be like a volcano of release
ADELE: Well I am worried about that drain hole and you and your dragon trying to fill it up with sweetened breaded chicken. You're reaching for inappropriate releases now honey. That’s a BIG sign of more spillage.
ADELE: Let's get you an appropriate one.
ADELE: You hang on girl. Abide.
ADELE: What is it that James Frey says??...(A Million Little Pieces)....
ADELE: Hold On
ADELE: You take care honey pie.
ADELE: You're worth it, remember that
MARY: We are working on that one
ADELE: Well then just TRUST me on that.

Last Edited Adele on 31-Jul-2006 5:00 AM

I wanted to write tonight before I hit the hay. I had an incredible day. It started off with going to the food pantry, giving them a bag of food back that my kids and husband wont eat. It felt good to give back to a place that gives so much. They in return gave us two bags of groceries.

From there, we stopped off at home, put away the groceries, I ate lunch and received a call from Michael. He is the guy I sing with on Saturday nights at church. He invited us to a block party that he and his wife were having. I accepted for some reason and am glad that I did. While I was home, I left out a pack of drumsticks that were given to me. I also made three salads for the next few days and boiled some eggs.

Then we went to the town's sidewalk sale down Main Street. I parked a good three or four blocks from the entrance. We all took a nice walk to the event. We walked up and down the full length of it and then went home. They were giving out free samples of junk and non-food gifts as well. It was nice to get out and spend some quality time with my kids. We then went home again.

I started to feel a little uneasy knowing that I didn't have my dinner cooked already. I also felt a little uncomfortable that I was going to be around total strangers who didn't know that I ate differently. I also felt uneasy that I was going to have my own food with me instead of eating theirs most likely. I also was a little nervous because I just dont do new situations well yet. I decided that I would be a little late and would rather go there on a full tummy, and with my own food. I didn't want to eat burgers (knowing that one wouldn't work for me) and didn't know what was on the menu for the event.

So then I decided to plan how to handle this without the drama. So I calmly decided to be fashionably late to the party which was OK with them..they were just happy to have me as their guest. By being an hour late, I was able to not only cook my dinner for the night but also to eat my snacks and have a full belly when I arrived there. The children had a healthy snack before leaving too. I packed up two containers of iced tea and two bottles of water as well as my freshly cooked dinner of green beans and chicken. I was set that no matter what was going to be served, that I was not going to have any excuse to not stick to my plan or to eat healthy. It gave me some peace of mind knowing this and felt good to have made a responsible "grown-up" decision instead of leaving the actions and results up to chance...."hoping" that it would all work out.

When I got there, I figured that I would make an "appearance," shake a few hands, smile and fade away and be home by dinner time. I thought that because by avoiding the uncomfortable situation, it prevented it in the first place. I was greeted with smiles from all these people that I didn't know, and was happy to see Michael. I met his wife who surprised me with being morbidly obese and then automatically thought that she wouldn't like me or would definitely feel uncomfortable around me.

I sat at this one table with Michael and this other unusual lady. This lady was sitting there, smiling, and eating what appeared to be her own food. NO WAY! Sure enough, she was eating her own organic, healthy fresh veggies and had just finished eating her meat that she brought with her too. I didn't say anything but felt at ease a little. After a while, Katie came to me and had made a little friend and so did Patrick. Neither one of them were focused on the table of buffet style food and goodies. They were having too much fun playing, running around, and being around other kids. It felt so right to be there.

This lady that brought her food, Lisa, was Michael's cousin. She apparently had just gotten over some breast cancer and also found that she altered her diet and lost a little weight. She didn't do it for the WL benefits but for the overall health of her body, mind and spirit. We didn't go into specifics about each others WOE but did recognize the comfort level of knowing that we weren't alone. When it came time for me to eat, I happily went to my car, got MY food, and sat down at the table with everyone and chowed down. I did feel a little uncomfortable eating the chicken like I would have if I was home..you know..chomping on the bones and eating it like it was my last meal. I did however do my best to pick that bone dry. LOL That was the only time in which I had to field some questions as to what I was eating because it looked and smelled so good. Very little focus was placed on my WOE or my "amazing" WL.

My kids ate but didn't fixate on the junk. I felt happy to see that and they were well behaved. Katie opted to take a walk with one of the mothers of a younger child. Patrick felt a little uneasy and had started an "episode" but I was able to calm him with my own walk with him. However, he wanted to run. So I ran up and down the block with him to help him release some pent up energy and calm him down again. No one cared that I did that nor did they make me feel uneasy at all. The people at my table were wonderful. They also had a strong spiritual background and we even got to talk about God.
I am glad to be home and did remember that I had a small piece of chicken that I didn't eat while I was there. So I did have that which is unusual to eat at 820 at night. Patrick is out cold and both kids should sleep well. Mom will sleep well too. The best part of this is that I will be waking up in the morning with no guilt, no need to make up excuses, and no regret. I love it!

This was awesome! A gift from God for sure! I am glad that I was willing to step out of my comfort zone and allow myself to meet and mingle with people who shared similar interests and were really a healthy bunch of people. I got to spend time with my children, make new friends, and even talk about God with others. I smiled, laughed, and listened. I was a part of the world and not a social outcast or the silent observer like I usually choose to be. I wasn't special...but an equal with plenty to share, learn and listen. I left there with a closer relationship with Michael and his wife, Lisa (his cousin with whom we exchanged email addresses), and his sister as well.

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Mary

HW423/CW158
265 Pounds Gone
Today's weight...165
http://www.fitday.com/WebFit/PublicJournals.html?Owner=mary223

I have been thinking about what I want to write about this past week and how I have managed or not managed my feelings and behavior. I had a very rough day at work on Monday. I had my first experience with a confrontation with a supervisor there. I felt as though I was being personally attacked. I felt misunderstood and scared that I messed up my "perfect" reputation by having one of my patients injure themselves while I wasn't there in her room with her. What I realized later that evening was that the lashing out and the anger was not directly targeted at what I had done or not done but because it was done 15 minutes before we were all ready to leave and the injury reports and treatments kept us all there longer than we wanted to be. My patient suffered a severe skin tear on her leg. She had complete protection on her legs and also wears an alarm to signal when she gets up. Things like this will occur in a nursing home with people that suffer from dementia. I blamed myself and felt bad about what occurred.

Today, I had been talked to by one of the same nurses and felt attacked again. Now, she didn't blame me for anything and I hadn't done anything wrong..but took her constructive criticism as a personal attack as I apparently hadn't let the first incident go. Instead of addressing any of my feelings about the last situation, I decided to hold it all in and let it fester. So, when I came into contact with her again, I had a similar reaction and took it as she didn't like me or that she had a problem with me. This time, instead of running from what I saw as a confrontation, I approached her in a professional, calm, and private setting and told her how I felt and that I needed reassurance in my abilities to care for my patients and to know that our professional relationship was open and capable of withstanding such confrontations in the future. She was all too willing to share her 32 years of experience with me. I did break down and cry as I allowed this to build up to an uncomfortable level. Instead of stuffing such a feeling down, I brought it out into the light, talked about it, and allowed myself to feel such an emotion in its new and raw state.

Tuesday night, I received a phone call from my mother in DE and she said that our grandmother passed away that day. She was 96 years old and just fell asleep and didn't wake up. That would be my preferred way to go too..mostly seeing alternatives working in a health care setting. I feel a little scared tomorrow spending so much time with such toxic people. With my family centering their lives around food, alcohol, gambling and sex, it will definitely be a challenge. There will be a breakfast buffet with sweet breads, muffins and donuts before the funeral, a sweets buffet of all her favorites before the actual reception begins, then an Italian reception where there will be several courses of food as well.

My mother also is requesting that I go down to DE that night to see an uncle that has flown from WA to visit us. He has also called to ask if he would see me there. I haven't seen him since I was a little girl. So I am taking a two hour round trip drive to visit for an hour and then go home. It doesn't sound logical but I am going to do it anyway. Surely there will be refreshments served there as well.

Being in that house makes me feel like a little girl again who isn't sure of who she really is and what her role or how she fits in with them anymore. I an uptight and cant relax there because I have to go and keep close watch over my kids are and who they are with at all times. That is also the location of my last loss of control where I binged from day into the night and revisited the thoughts of my past bulimia days. I refuse to go back there and that is one reason why I have been going to therapy which is to help myself understand how I am supposed to find the "real" me and who that really is. I see that I make them uncomfortable and that I cant be responsible for others feelings mostly when my own well-being and health need to come first as well as the safety of my children.

I plan on going to my mother's house, the funeral and the reception and being really in touch with how I am feeling and not allow what others are feeling or doing affect my own behavior. I will be a silent observer and am starting to see what behaviors and don't serve me anymore and ones that I really need to let go. Sadly, I am also seeing my family members in the same manner. I do have a hard time just sitting back and listening without saying what I feel...speaking my truth. I need to focus on the here and now and not on the past experiences and behaviors that I no longer have need to cling onto and rehash over and over again. Time for me to step up and grow up and to put fear aside to allow myself to explore new and healthier ways to live without self abusive behaviors.

I know that I am strong enough to do this and even with sadness in my heart over the loss of my grandmother, I know that there is no good reason to engage in such behavior. I thank God and a clear head from leading with the diet for helping me to see this and to have the strength and courage to change the things that I can and the knowledge to know that I cannot change others' feelings, actions, and thoughts.

Last Edited Mary on 23-Sep-2006 12:24 PM

Mary

HW423/CW158
265 Pounds Gone
Today's weight...166
http://www.fitday.com/WebFit/PublicJournals.html?Owner=mary223

I just wanted to say that that taste of chili
(really more of a binge on it) was just for that moment and having a highly reactive body, I put on ten pounds overnight. I know that my body is very sensitive to that crap but chose to lead with the feelings and emotions instead of the diet. Bad choice..and I know that it only takes a moment to make a lifetime of misery. Knowing without a doubt that I dont want to be back to that place again, I am choosing each day's meals as the only ones that are important to focus on. I am not making these dramatic proclamations that I am done cheating, done testing, and done feeling disappointed some days. All I am gonna do is stay in the here and now and focus on the next 24 hours and the conscious effort to do what is best for my body for that time period. That will help me to also be more authentic and honest with myself and in return to others.

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Mary

HW423/CW158
265 Pounds Gone
Today's weight...168
http://www.fitday.com/WebFit/PublicJournals.html?Owner=mary223

I needed to write and I just figured out something that is completely related to my journey so far. I still FEEL fat..I still FEEL that I am 423 pounds. It is really sad for me to look in the mirror because who I see is not anywhere close to who I thought I would. My great expectations have failed me once again. Yes, I know..we have all heard how it is so different to be at goal and not even close to what you imagined..but it is so true. The good thing is that I can FEEL anything I want to..and BEHAVE myself through them now that I am not numbing them down.

My truth is that I get to look in the mirror and see the "OLD Mary" everytime I visit with my family. They are compulsive addicts and most of them are addicted to multiple things. My family mirrors what the "Old Mary" was all about. The "Old Mary" was all about drama and numbing. The cohesiveness that my family has is sick and disgusting for me to see these days.

A simple supervised visit with them at my house turned into something sad...something I guess I wasn't really ready to see or admit. My mother has a house full of grown children (all of which are older than me) who have their lives all intertwined and no matter if what they are doing is good or not, they will stick together and "protect" the family name. "Blood is thicker than water"..many times over, I have heard this at family gatherings.

My children were given gifts from their uncle in the form of 12+ pounds of candy. Yes, you read that correctly...12 POUNDS! The good thing is that I have enough common sense to know that this isn't normal nor good for any child. Right after Halloween, there will be a lot of children and families that will benefit from the generous donation from my children. The blessing is that my daughter even sees this as too much.

What can I do about this all?
1. Well, I sure cant change my family and who they are, but I can set FIRM boundaries again and again. In fact, I learned it is crossing a boundary to try to change them and how they live their lives.
2. I can do what I plan on doing which is to protect my children from unnecessary harm.
3. As far as myself, I will do what I will behave appropriately and expect the desired effect from such behavior...TWO CHOICES... LWTD, or be 400 pounds again and join in with the "family festivities"...No thanks.

So all this summed up in a nut shell means that I need to take care of Number 1 first and foremost. I am no good to no one if I dont. The only day that counts is today. My food is planned and the commitment to eat clean for another day is here for the taking. So being the "Old Mary" for another day has been avoided, so far, with the choices that I make tonight and tomorrow.

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Mary

HW423/CW158
265 Pounds Gone
Today's weight...167
http://www.fitday.com/WebFit/PublicJournals.html?Owner=mary223

Last Edited Mary on 30-Oct-2006 12:44 PM

Yesterday when I planned for today, I also had to plan for tomorrow and Tuesday as well. It is the planning that makes me feel secure that I have all the tools in front of me to make for a good day. All I need to do is choose to eat my planned food and abide the rest.

So, I have my meals set out and prepared for tomorrow and Tuesday also (except for cooking fresh chicken for dinner on Tues.)The show starts at 7PM and I wont be home until close to midnight. I have school on Tuesday so I needed to make sure I was ready to go. I am excited about the show and proud that I chose to be responsible. My daughter packed herself a dinner as well.(She likes to plan her food since she sees mommy doing it.)

That is all for now.. will keep you all updated
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Mary

HW423/CW158
265 Pounds Gone
Today's weight...167
http://www.fitday.com/WebFit/PublicJournals.html?Owner=mary223

Last Edited Mary on 5-Nov-2006 4:37 PM

I was just thinking how grateful I am that I am able to wear my tiny black jeans (size 10's). As snug as they might be (always were), it still feels good to wear them. With wearing pants with elastic in them most days because of uniform requirements at work, I guess I don't get to see this as much as I would like to. How awesome to be able to still fit into them after so many months! I can only imagine what it will feel like to wear these next year and then the next too. Actually, I don't need to imagine if I continue to behave myself to that point with the proper planning and eating that I know works for my body.

With open eating season among all of us, I have decided to buckle down and plant my feet firmly in the foundation that is getting stronger and stronger on a daily basis with each and every healthy choice. I plan on getting through the holidays, one after the other, day after day, meal after meal...whatever works.

Being the last holiday season around my family, I am expecting drama. I just figured out that there will only be that much drama if I allow it to be. I CHOOSE what boundaries (if any) I allow to be made and crossed. That doesn't mean that I get to choose others behaviors, but I can say what is and what isn't acceptable for myself and my children when it comes to the safety and well being of us. So if I allow my mother or other family members to give in excess or to speak of topics that I see as repulsive or unhealthy practices, then I am asking for the drama that it creates by not speaking up for myself and my kids.

I am grateful that I wrote this morning because I have had a lot of ideas tossed at me lately and sometimes it takes me listening to them over and over until they either become my own or I decide to trash them. I think that healthy boundaries are needed for myself and my kids and they wont set themselves..so I guess instead of getting stuck in the want..I will start to DO what I need to do.

This is the same with my eating... For years and years, I got stuck in the WANT and didn't do anymore than HOPE or WISH that I could find that little magic. I wanted to find that quick and easy way to lose the weight. Then when I started to DO what it took to lose it..I couldn't wait..or HOPED to be DONE! That didn't work long term for me either...LOL.

So, to sum this all up for me, I need to get my head out of my ...uh..clouds.. and grow up and see life as this imperfect yet doable thing. I choose and do what is needed to stay this way and change the things that I need to keep myself mentally and physically thriving. Today, I choose to do the next best thing...and that is to take care of myself with my planned food and healthy decisions physically, spiritually, and mentally.

Have productive day!

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Mary

HW423/CW158
265 Pounds Gone
Today's weight...164
http://www.fitday.com/WebFit/PublicJournals.html?Owner=mary223

I wanted to share what I had originally sent only to Adele. I then realized that it was MY TRUTH and wanted to show you all that there is nothing special or "perfect" about my journey.

A Binge Stopped Before It got Out of Control

Hi Adele,

I had an overwhelming urge to binge tonight and it followed after a big dinner. I decided that it wasn't worth it and that I really could stop it if I chose to...and that is what I did. Now, in my head, I heard you say..."If you are going to binge, do it on green beans or another vegetable." So, I gave myself "permission" to go for a nice stuff-my-face-and-make-it-all-disappear binge. Something strange happened though tonight that never happened before...I stopped. I had an extra 7.5 ounces of cucumbers..had the cauliflower out ready to go..and stopped. Hmmmm...stopped. My head told me that I get to choose what to do..not any "uncontrollable force"..I DO. So I did. I put the lid back on the cauliflower that will be eaten in another day or so..but not tonight. I then decided to take a long..hot bath and reward myself with some loving tender self care. I am worth it. I feel soooo strong right now that I could move mountains..I feel good. I chose to feel good. Yippeee! I will feel even better stepping on that scale and not seeing the effects of a "weak moment" of poor judgment and selfishness.

I am going to get some rest and go to bed. I love you to pieces and I wanted to thank you for the pounding into my impermeable head that I get to choose what I do, and I get to do it. I choose what I allow others to say to me and do to me as well. ME! Lil me! Hehehehe..just a little happy.

Love,
ME
(because I chose to love ME
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Mary

This morning:

Anyway, I weighed myself this morning and I am 165 today. I know without a doubt that I would have been heavier if I had went through with the binge last night. I decided last night how I was gonna feel today! Darn good!

HW423/CW158
265 Pounds Gone
Today's weight...165
http://www.fitday.com/WebFit/PublicJournals.html?Owner=mary223

Last Edited Mary on 12-Nov-2006 4:28 PM

“Indulge in a self-abusive behavior or addiction” is never a helpful or productive solution to any challenge of grown-up life. Doing so has no bearing on the outcome of anything except ultimately creating pain and problems for ourselves (and to various degrees with various addictions, pain to others). It won't change anything about the world or change any situation into what we want it to be. Addictions, including food choices, have no necessary or helpful place in life.

Ultimately, whether we take mindful care of our body is the same (if more socially, emotionally and time demanding, sure) as whether we take mindful care of our teeth. Refusing to, or doing either half-assed, will have more severe consequences in some bodies than others, but ignoring either responsibility will have consequences we will have to work with—be it an overweight, unacceptable body around which we must adjust physically, emotionally and socially (including seeking professionals to help address the symptoms we’ve caused), or decaying teeth that are painful and embarrassing, which force us to keep our mouths shut and/or spend lots of time and money trying to fix. Either way, we get the consequences of the actions (or inactions) we choose. It's just another bit-part of maintaining our health—or by default choosing not to—and, to some extent, the social acceptability of our bodies. Much as we want it to be about so much more—personal goodness, Godliness, virtue or victimhood, in the end, it isn’t.

I think the long view of what is happening to you here Mary, is that by leading with the diet for several years now, you’ve given yourself the gift of a very long time away from bingeing as a behavior choice (even if in the past you couldn’t truly wrap your brain around the fact that it WAS a behavior choice). You’ve forced yourself away from it long enough that you’ve slowly, quietly built a new history, a new, firmer emotional foundation. From this more distant vantage point, you’re more clearly able to predict how utterly futile the choice of bingeing would be, you were able to pretty quickly weigh all the likely consequences, physical and emotional, and then quickly, quietly decide you’d rather not pay the price(s) bingeing would extract from you. You decided today how you would feel tomorrow.

Attagirl.

Adele (144 this morning)
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168/140, Size 16/8
Lowcarbing 10+ years
Maintaining at goal 7+ years
Moderator/Owner
adele@leadwiththediet.com

Tonight I should be studying for my final that I have tomorrow in Biology. There has been so much going on in my life that I dont know where to begin again. I really should update this board more often as it always feels good after I do write. I use writing as a way to let go of feelings that are stored up inside of me. If I dont find a healthy release then the little kid inside of me starts to kick and scream and drives me to act out.

Tonight, I am choosing to write because I want to... Not because I was told that I had to or because I feel obligated to. I have been attending therapy regularly where I am learning to interract with others in the group and am finding that I relate better to others when I am not trying to be "little miss perfect" or "miss holier than thou".

I am starting to fall in love with the new Mary. She is a person who does things that make her feel good. She chooses wisely and carefully. She is learning that having humor and fun in life isnt all that bad to do...in fact to celebrate finals being over..she is going to be sleeping with the kids on the floor watching movies, reading books, and playing games and having the fun that she never got to have growing up in such a screwed up, toxic, and unsafe environment.

The adult in me wants to provide a fun and safe environment for my kids to grow up in. I want them to see that we can have fun without the goodies and the junk. They love the fact that I am not as uptight or rigid as I have been recently and forever. My husband thinks that I have ten eyes and faces. I actually admitted out loud to him that I am not going to be happy all the time and that until I decide and learn who the authentic and real Mary is...to hang in there and expect some inconsistency.

I am facing a lot of demons of the past and trying to handle the holidays and a move out of state in the next few months. What I have found is that while all this work is hard and sometimes scary, that it is necessary for me to do the work with a clear head. This comes from leading with the diet and keeping firm the foundation that I have built. It is going to be a rocky ride the next few months and I know that. With love, humor, fun, therapy, and friends, I am learning that I can get through anything one event at a time and need be..on meal at a time. The peace that I am experiencing tonight is kinda scary because in the past I would be a mess of emotions and cramming for the test all night long. Tonight I celebrate my new found adult self and hope she will stick around for a while.

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Mary

HW423/CW158
265 Pounds Gone
Today's weight...168
http://www.fitday.com/WebFit/PublicJournals.html?Owner=mary223

None of this seems pleasant as I face it but I am finding after I let it verbally out and share my recovery with others who have been through it, that I find more and more peace in my life...I have let go of the need to be perfectly doing anything. I am learning to be flexible and reasonable which I see as adult characteristics. I behave as an adult with the usage of tools. My food planning, reading, writing,therapy, and observing others keep me in the present and provide me with the foundation of serenity. Once I have my foundation set, the rest comes. If you build it, it will come is something that I am told quite often and it could not be more true...I stopped looking for serenity and started living my adult life and serenity was a wonderful gift along the way.

Today's serenity is likely set with a food plan, the incorporation of some fun and laughing, writing, and reading. Today I celebrate the peace in my life and the adult decisions that have lead me to this place.
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Mary

HW423/CW158
265 Pounds Gone
Today's weight...170
http://www.fitday.com/WebFit/PublicJournals.html?Owner=mary223

Happy Holidays to all of you!

With all the drama going on in my life, I have decided to enjoy today for what it is..another day of doing the next best thing. I can feel bad about not handling a situation as perfect as I should have. I can eat over stress in my very hectic life. I can stuff myself to capacity and not feel any of it or I can choose not to and feel all of it.

The only way out of the shame and resentments of the past is through it. I read today..."You cant heal what you dont feel." Well, doesnt that just sum it up for me? I can choose to live in the past..living in the lies and in a fake identity or I can simply feel these hard emotions and continue to find out who I am and who I really want to be.

I choose today to take care of myself. I sprained my hip the other day and decided to take it easy on myself. No, that doesnt mean I use pain or any sensation or feeling as an excuse to go off of plan today. I have loosened up the reigns for the past two days on weighing out my veggies but am very aware of how much I am eating and what I am eating. I still keep an eye on how much protein and fat that I take in since it is so easy for me to overeat on them.

I chose to cook most of today's food last night so that I could relax and enjoy the peace today. What is interesting..is that both my husband and myself are finding this quiet thing to be disquieting and waiting for drama to happen but surely not looking for it or creating any. I am writing to let go of some tough feelings that I am feeling and it feels better than it could ever taste.
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Mary

HW423/CW158
265 Pounds Gone
Today's weight...170
http://www.fitday.com/WebFit/PublicJournals.html?Owner=mary223

I utilize my fitday differently these days. I use it as a tool and not as a demonstration for others. If I am eating the same thing day in and day out there is no reason to fitday each meal so that I look "perfect" to others.

I am seeing the changes in my thinking and more importantly in my doing. I am growing enough to realize that not everyone is going to like me..or love me and that is okay with me. All I have to offer others is my REAL self and honesty. I dont go out of my way to make others happy at the expense of my own sanity or safety. I will still do what I can for others if they ask and if it is feasible without jeopardizing my own authenticity and program.

In the upcoming months, I will be starting a new job, living in a new house, new schools and new opportunities for more growth. There is also an opportunity to go back into my cave and fall off the wagon and not recover from it. That is why it is so important for me to commit to doing the next best thing for myself each and every moment. That means planning, reading, writing, therapy, and more importantly in choosing and eating right for another day.

I wont promise that I will get through this move and transition without a binge or going off of plan..however, I can promise myself that I will not be doing that today. LWTD really does work when you want it to..I want it to continue...so I will do it. I have my food planned and set for tomorrow... so tomorrow wont be good either for bingeing and going off of plan.

I am thrilled how far I have come and grown and excited and receptive to what is to come.
Baby-stepping my way through another day,

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Mary

HW423/CW158
265 Pounds Gone
Today's weight...170
http://www.fitday.com/WebFit/PublicJournals.html?Owner=mary223

I have the frozen veggies bought and ready to be pulled out of the big freezer. I have 3 out of the 5 dinners done and ready to go and will cook the rest tomorrow along with enough for Monday since I have group therapy. I will cook some drumsticks to get me through the week and the trip tomorrow. I need to buy the fresh veggies on Thursday the 11th. I will send Don to Sam's for a bag of romaine and cucumbers on Thursday as well. I need to go to the produce place and pick up zucchini, peppers, and onions on Thursday too. I also need to go to the store and pick up an electric skillet or burner (whichever one is cheaper) to take with us for the motel room. I need to pick up a dozen eggs and cook a dozen for the trip. I also need to pick up a small bottle of olive oil so that I dont need to bring my big one. I need to take a sharp knife, fork, frying pan, sauce pan, measuring spoon, spatula, and sea salt, and pepper.

JEEZ!!!! THIS IS A LOT OF WORK! I will choose to do this rather than screwing up my food right now. With all the stuff going on, the last thing I need is to run to the food for comfort. I would rather seek comfort in knowing what I am going to eat which is basically the same as I eat on most days. THAT to me is comfort.

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Mary

HW423/CW158
265 Pounds Gone
Today's weight...171
http://www.fitday.com/WebFit/PublicJournals.html?Owner=mary223

I have 33 days before I move to Ohio and am experiencing a lot of different emotions. I have had to feel them all or allow myself to be lead by them instead of the diet. I have so far chosen to lead with the diet instead of adding to my already hectic life. The packing has been coming along nicely and the other plans as well such as schools, special services for my son, and we have a home waiting for us which makes me feel better. I also have been offered multiple positions there and it is a matter of choosing when the time comes closer and to see which will work around my husband's job when he finds work.

The feelings that I have been experiencing this week are loss, fear, and anxiety. I will be leaving NJ and my friends. I will be making more distance between us and my toxic family. I will be leaving my therapy group that I have really grown attached to. I will be leaving my home meeting with OA. I will be leaving my job that has helped me get my education and offered me the scholarship. These feelings and my head told me that I was alone and that I didn't have anyone to talk to or turn to.

I have already made contacts for a new group in Ohio to go to. I have already made contacts and met someone from OA there. I have already been offered jobs that all seem so nice and good. I have already talked to friends that I have in Ohio and made plans to visit with them as I get settled there. I have already lined myself up with a school that is willing to help me get my LPN in a year and my RN the following year. I am only alone if I choose to isolate myself and run to food instead of dealing with the full plate that I currently have.

I have found a lovely home there with three bedrooms, basement, a garage and wonderful schools and services for the kids. It is in a good neighborhood and safe. It is much more affordable than any place in NJ and much nicer too.

Other than the insanity of the move, I am doing what I need to. I am grounding myself with a solid and firm foundation of gold standard food. I meditate and write each morning to center my spirit and feelings. I go to physical therapy three times a week and work out there for two hours each day I go. I am taking extra walks or busying myself with packing and moving my body as it can and needs to. I go to group therapy still on Mondays and OA too. I have the tools and the knowledge to get through this day...now I just need to do it. I dont need to know the whys or the hows. I dont need to know that others have failed and that I might too. I just need to keep on doing what I am doing and know that eventually things will calm down some. I will never be done with this journey unless I choose to..but today I dont so I will just do instead.
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Mary

HW423/CW158
265 Pounds Gone
Today's weight...171
http://www.fitday.com/WebFit/PublicJournals.html?Owner=mary223

With 18 days left before the big move, I am experiencing some intense feelings. I dont like little changes much less big ones like this. I am excited that we will be moving to a nicer town and a better school system for the kids. I am also excited that I will be finally doing what needs to be done so that I can finally get my nursing degree. I am also excited that I have a job lined up where they are very willing to work around my school schedule and give me down time to study as well.

I will be licensed within a year and then registered the year after. I am following my heart and knowing that they time will pass if I do it or not. With my husband's health not getting better and the kids getting older, I need to really take advantage of being able to do it now. It will be a struggle but the rewards in the long run will be better. Yes, the loans and the trips to the food pantry are going to be humbling. The good thing is that I have a scholarship to help offset the cost of school some. I am hoping to file for financial aid where I can also include some cost of living expenses and child care as well.

We are about 95% packed and a lot of the arrangements with schools, home, and jobs are done. My weight has been steady and I have enjoyed going back to working out three times a week with PT. I went all day yesterday without the cane and am feeling stronger than ever. I like the definition in the arms and the positive feeling I get when I am finished working out there. No, I dont love going..but when I get going..I feel great. Doing self loving and positive things for myself makes me feel good about myself and less inclined to make poor choices with my food and other decisions. In face, feelings these days have nothing to do with what I actually put into my mouth. I can do feelings and have so far.

Another day of packing, planning, and saying good bye to friends around here makes this move more real every time I do it. So, for today, I am blessed to have my food ready and planned. I am also happy to know that I can do whatever feelings come my way and not intermix them with my food. It is what it is.

That is it for now.

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Mary
HW423/CW158
265 Pounds Gone
Today's weight...170
http://www.fitday.com/WebFit/PublicJournals.html?Owner=mary223

I have been accepted to a medical college out here and will start full-time at the end of April to finish up my degree in nursing. Due to the rising health concerns with my husband, I believe that I need to step it up and get my education quicker. I have both kids now enrolled in school and have been working a full time job as well. There are boxes staged in my living room and we are far from unpacked. I am so glad that LWTD has taught me that good planning and routines are what keeps me sane.

The new food challenges that I face seem to be with having my husband around more often, working nights with an elderly woman who gets offended when I dont eat HER food, and eating dinner by 415PM so that I can deal with my new patient with a full belly. Other challenges that I face daily are with planning what the next best thing is to do since there is so much to do.

Today, my plans are to take my daughter to school, get a vaccination from my employer that I also need for school, go to school for a financial aid meeting, mail off various applications and forms, study for the written test for my drivers license, and bring down or unpack 5 more boxes.
I have another meeting later today and get to plan my food for tomorrow before going to bed. (of course)

I thank God that I have enough brains in my head to accept my current situation as "good enough". I also am learning to give myself some credit and feel good about all that I have done so far and all that I will do today and the upcoming days, months and years. I know things will be different when I get my education and can support myself and the children.

There is no way that I would be able to do what I am doing if I was allowing crap foods and sugar into my body. I would be too tired and "zoned out" to make sound decisions and stay organized. I know that a lot of people ask me what my "secret" is to losing the weight and keeping it off. The secret is simple...just do it. There was no secret recipe or exercise..just the willingness to do it and keep doing it when I dont want to or when it gets uncomfortable. I can do feelings and they are completely separate from my food decisions. There are still days when I dont want to..but I know that I need to in order to keep the weight off and more importantly function as an adult.

LWTD has helped me change my life around and even though the weight is gone...I am far from DONE. There is no done and much more work to be done in my life transformation and journey. I will keep you all posted as best as I can...I will just keep steady, planned, and focused for today.
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Mary

HW423/CW158
265 Pounds Gone
Today's weight...170
http://www.fitday.com/WebFit/PublicJournals.html?Owner=mary223

Last Edited on 15-Mar-2007 1:30 PM

Well, as you already know, I have started a new job as a personal nursing assistant for an elderly couple. Since they are very insistent that I eat when they eat, I have found a way to make everyone happy without compromising my own food plan. I talked to the manager of the dining room where they live and found that he was more than willing to accommodate my request of having a small salad prepared for me. I requested a simple bed of romaine lettuce and 4-5 cucumber slices with no dressing. By doing this, they are happy that they are "taking care" of me..and I am happy because I am "taking care" of me.

Tonight was even more challenging than this though. Tonight they were scheduled to go to a concert at 8PM. The limo was going to pick them up at 7PM. That means that they would need to go down for dinner earlier than usual so they could be ready in time. They requested that I show up an hour earlier which conflicts with my dinner time of 400-430PM. I eat before I get there usually so that I am not hungry when that salad is served to me. Nonetheless, I showed up there at 4 with my dinner in hand. The concert was canceled and she had a meltdown where we needed to call EMS. I am so glad that I planned and prepared for the worse and was able to eat my own food because dinner never happened for them and I ended up ordering pizza for them to eat. I had my dinner finished before the pizza showed up. It threw me off schedule with my food but at least I didn't need to resort to bargaining with pizza due to a sound foundation beneath me. I was a bit hungry due to no salad tonight but I had a light veggie snack and am satisfied until the morning.

I am glad that I have one more firm and solid decision under my belt and that I have no regret, guilt, or sickness tonight as I go to lay down. I look forward to stepping on the scale in the morning. What a great feeling!
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Mary

HW423/CW158
265 Pounds Gone
Today's weight...169
http://www.fitday.com/WebFit/PublicJournals.html?Owner=mary223

Last Edited on 4-Apr-2007 11:42 AM

I am feeling anxious and uneasy tonight. I know..I can do uneasy..sigh. I just know that I have ensured that if and when something happens with my clients today where I cant leave their apartment...I am bringing a few chicken drumsticks and one pound of green beans to keep in their freezer. They have plenty of room and really dont go in there..so it is safe and makes me more at ease to have it there just in case. I have it in one baggie labeled..Mary's Emergency Food.

Their son is buying bagels and coffee for tomorrow morning. I told him already that I will have eaten breakfast before I get there...so we will see.

I am also feeling ripped off from this holiday..They all got plenty of goodies and what do I have? I will tell you because then I will feel better..I have my health, my goals of going to school, my energy, my life moving in a forward direction, my YMCA membership that entitles me to go work out and exercise whenever I can, my new lowest weight in a while, my ability to touch my toes, bend over to pick something up with no pain or exertion, my ability to see that my life is far better now then when I was 400 pounds, my stable blood sugar, my willingness to write this instead of stuffing my face, a new phrase.."You wont starve to death" in my vocabulary, my ability to fit into one plane seat and not need an extension, my ability to tie my shoes straight and not on a slant, my ability to fit through a turnstile without going through on my side, my ability to run, walk, and climb stairs without being out of breath and having my heart beat out of my chest, my ability to have feeling back in my legs, my ability to fit into my clothes from last summer, my ability to fit into a booth at a restaurant, my ability to shop at a regular size store and not a plus one, my ability to fit behind the steering wheel without my belly touching it, my ability to step on the scale and not see the numbers turn over past that three hundred mark(or two for that fact), my gratefulness that I found good and healthy friends and role models for me to observe and follow, my chance to be a model for my kids as well, my chance to see my kids grow up, my chance to play on the floor and keep up with my kids, my ability to take care of my own self better (including wiping my own behind), my ability to sleep at night and not snore or choke, my willingness to plan my food in advance and find peace in doing so, my much cleaner clothes with less stains on them, the need for a table instead of using my stomach as one to hold my plate or kids, my great feeling when I wear my size small scrubs for work, my money saved from not eating out or paying for a nightly binge stopping off at each and every fast food restaurant on the way home, my much cleaner car as I dont have food wrappers all over it, my confidence in knowing that I look good and feel good when I look in the mirror, and the great feeling when I see the wonderful changes that have occurred in me and my life.

No life isnt all I dreamed it to be but it is still better than it was and tonight that is as good as it gets...I accept life on life's terms tonight and realize that it is what it is..and food isnt part of it.

Pissy mood is over..now I can rest
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Mary

HW423/CW158
265 Pounds Gone
Today's weight...168
http://www.fitday.com/WebFit/PublicJournals.html?Owner=mary223

Stay in touch, Mary.

Adele (143 this morning)
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168/140, Size 16/8
Lowcarbing 10+ years
Maintaining at goal 7+ years
Moderator/Owner
adele@leadwiththediet.com

Yeah me! Then I got to thinking..can I pull this off? I am doubting that I can really go to school full time, work full time, be a mother, be a wife, continue settling in from a relocation, remain centered and LWTD? So, I dont know what the future holds for me nor do I think that far in advance anymore because I can get extremely overwhelmed if I do so. What I do know is that I am set for the next eight days with my food already planned and set aside in my freezer. So I dont need to go to the store except to get some cucumbers and zucchini. If I am smart, I will ask my husband to go for me while he goes to the store for me pretty regularly anyway.

I am going to have to learn to ask for help and not expect perfect anything. I darn near killed myself with little sleep and excess caffeine going to school part time..did I learn my lesson? nope..probably not. I hate the idea of garnishing my 4.0 GPA and the Dean today said "stive to be the best." For an overachiever anyway, those are the words to misery for the next year if I do that. I also remember that my body signals my head to think that I am hungry if I am too tired..this addict thinks that she is hungry when she feels anything.

All I can say is that I ensured that my food is planned and available for this upcoming week. As long as I keep to my plan, I will be okay. I still need to remind myself, even doing this for a while, that one step in front of the other and LWTD regardless of how I feel. I need to remember to just do it and keep my head out of my behind. I know it works when I work it!
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Mary

HW423/CW158
265 Pounds Gone
Today's weight...169
Low carbing for 3 Years
Maintaining for 1 Year

http://www.fitday.com/WebFit/PublicJournals.html?Owner=mary223

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Mary

HW423/CW158
265 Pounds Gone
Today's weight...169
Low Carbing for 3 Years
Maintaining for 1 Year

http://www.fitday.com/WebFit/PublicJournals.html?Owner=mary223

Last Edited on 6-May-2007 3:33 AM

"It’s a pity you don’t want sanity enough to DO it for yourself, because you really are the only one who can."

These words gave me the reality check that I needed when I first wanted to throw in the towel a few years ago.

Sanity comes with my simple way of eating that has flowed into all aspects of my way of life. My life will always be full of drama and people who see themselves as "special" and/or different. The truth remains in my eyes that I am "special" only to ME and that I don't need to prove this to anyone. It is over a boundary to push myself on others and to set expectations of others. Gosh, my overachiever expectations are high enough..I cant and wont push those extreme thoughts on my children, friends, and husband. I need to focus on ME.

School and work are coming along. I gave up on protecting my precious 4.0 GPA to accept that I am doing "good enough" and that is still far better than most of the students in my school. I cant seem to wonder if this is God's lesson to me that I needed to let go of this perfectionism thing to allow myself to be ...dare I say..."normal"?? I don't need to kill myself to be THE BEST. I am thrilled to just be "One of the Best" tonight.

My biggest struggle with food these days are staying up way too late and needing to add another meal into my food plan. By depriving my body of that break in eating and allowing it to digest and absorb what I already put into it, I am overworking my body. I don't do hunger and when I am tired it is hard to differentiate between the two. I usually need to ask myself ...How long has it been since my last meal? and that answer usually tells me two things..1. Get my butt to bed..it must be late...and 2. If I am up past 5 or 6 hours from dinner time..EAT. Sounds simple enough..right? The scale also reflects my lack of rest. I don't need to know WHY it happens just that it does and how to fix it...then..DO IT. Isn't that the same as the diet??? See??? LWTD works if you are willing to just do it! Wanting, wishing, and hoping things will change wont make them change.

Those of you who have followed my progress from the very beginning know that I am not the same as I was when I began my journey. I am directed, I know WHAT I WANT, I know HOW TO GET IT, and I know to JUST DO IT. Don't let the skeptics tell you that you cant do it...more importantly..don't tell yourself that you cant do it. I am way over my time to be on the computer but needed to write for ME tonight.

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Mary

HW423/CW158
265 Pounds Gone
Today's weight...172
Maintaining for 1 Year
Lowcarbing since 1/9/04
http://www.fitday.com/WebFit/PublicJournals.html?Owner=mary223

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Mary

Last Edited on 15-May-2007 3:26 AM

I have been white knuckling these past few days. I know it sounds dramatic and for me..it IS. I passed up on ice cream, nuts, and anything else that was in my way last night. I see that with my food not changing that this is probably 99.9% emotional and not physical. I have been able to stick to not eating after 10PM and that is all that I am willing to stick to right now.

The wife of my nursing-care couple ended up in the hospital this week and just came home yesterday about 5 minutes before I walked into her apt. She looks like death warmed over and that a truck hit her. I wanted to eat and eat so much last night but didnt. The WANT was there, the FOOD was there, but my HEAD and experience left me staying abstinent and DOING the right thing. Damn it was hard and I am not seeing that there will be much relief in site for a while. In school I got hit with a big project and care plan that is due the 11th of June. I almost cried in class as I felt the steady walls of calm and cool come crumbling down around me.

I dont like this feeling and all I can do is try to alleviate it some with exercise, and LWTD no matter how insane that I am feeling at that moment. The moment does pass but when I am in it..it seems larger than life and overwhelming, I feel "special" in those quiet moments of insanity and in the WANTING. Glad yesterday is over and all I can do is the same damn thing for today. I am planning on going to bed a little earlier tonight as I have all weekend to prepare for next week and dont need to do it all tonight at 10 PM knowing that I have Flora all weekend long. If I plan ahead and keep my food clean ...my head will follow. DECIDE, PROVIDE, and ABIDE...hmmm....where have I heard this one before?

Just keeping SSS and doing what I need to do to keep planted in the truth and clear headed thinking that LWTD has taught me.

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Mary

HW423/CW158
265 Pounds Gone
Today's weight...173
Maintaining
http://www.fitday.com/WebFit/PublicJournals.html?Owner=mary223

Today I went into my patients home to find that one of them was having chest pains. She refused to go to the hospital and said that the pain wasn't "too bad." During breakfast, she started to grab at her chest some more and had labored breathing. Upon asking the obvious questions, she rated her pain at a 3 from the 2 this morning. I decided to call my supervisor (4th time in 2 hours), her son MPOA), and finally 911(after getting the official "go ahead"). Anyway, they took her willingly to the hospital.

This is a normal thing that will occur in my field BUT I am soooo glad that I plan my food ahead and have my food with me. No matter what happens, no matter what I feel, there isn't anything more than simply LWTD-ing to help manage the BIG feelings after a stressful situation. I got VERY hungry afterwards and I know without a shadow of doubt that it wasn't hunger but VBF(very big feelings).

I have two more midterms this week and unfortunately they are both in the same day and one is my A&P class that over 50% of the class is currently failing. There isn't any extra credit in nursing...lol.

I am very proud of myself because I am handling things the best I can and not running to the sugar for the deadhead numb affect. I am doing some exercise almost daily to help with my stress levels and anxiety. The food is the easy part...trust me. It is the growing up and the living as an adult that is the hard part of my journey. I am feeling much better now that I wrote and got this all out. I get to go back tonight and spend time with her husband tonight and hopefully get my clinical paperwork done for Tuesday before I start doing the studying for the exams.

I have my food planned and ready for the next 5 days..easy when I eat the same thing day in and day out. I do need to pick up my veggies from Meijers where I have a standing order every Monday to pick up the large amounts that I need for the week after school. So far I am doing well in everything but I know that I am soooo close to popping open the box of Ho-Ho's and Coke. I just dont!

Well, I took up enough space for today, Gosh I feel relieved after bingeing here with my writing..and the best thing is that I dont need to worry about the scale reflecting this one!

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Mary

HW423/CW158
265 Pounds Gone
Today's weight...175
Low carbing since 1/09/04
Maintaining for a year
http://www.fitday.com/WebFit/PublicJournals.html?Owner=mary223

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Mary

HW423/CW158
265 Pounds Gone
Today's weight...173
http://www.fitday.com/WebFit/PublicJournals.html?Owner=mary223

Adele and I recently talked about why being normal or being called normal doesn't sit right with me. For many years, I begged God to help me find a way to become a NORMAL size, have a NORMAL life, have a NORMAL family to call my own, and to just be a part of what everyone calls..life.

I guess that I really wasn't living life when I was in my food induced stupor. In fact, I now see that it was my way of avoiding life and all interactions that occur in every day living. I was able to hide behind the excuses of being fat which negated my actions. I always had to overdo things to be recognized for something other than my fat. I still find myself doing this with school. I used to choose to martyr myself and put everyone else's needs before my own again..to hide from the obvious.

I am in a different place than I was when I sat here whining a a while back about being called amazing. Funny thing is that I believe that it was a lie. I enjoyed being called amazing and doing amazing things.

I am seeing that I am growing up and living life on life's terms now. Riding out the huge waves of emotions and feelings involved in just daily interactions with others including my family. The interesting thing is that I am the one who rocks my own boat. Yes, that is right. I am still a drama queen and I just realized now by writing why I dont like being called normal...because that is another way of saying that I am not special. LOL. Go figure.

I do, however, put my needs before anyone else's because I cant possibly be of service to others if I am not in fit condition on all three levels. My physical, emotional, and my spiritual recovery is set upon planning and following through with that plan.

Life is going to be hectic the next few weeks with finals but wanted to write out some feelings that I have been having instead of just saying..hey look at me..I am still leading with the diet. That is a given! I am still learning how to live life and the wonderful thing is that it is happening all around me. So, I guess I can say that I DID jump back into the world and do see that it is still easy to go right back where I started from. So for today, I will do what needs to be done and see that I am evolving into a wonderful normal adult with normal adult feelings, normal adult responsibilities, and normal and realistic goals and aspirations.
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Mary

HW423/LW158
265 Pounds Gone
Today's weight...175
Low carbing since 1/09/04
Maintaining for a year
http://www.fitday.com/WebFit/PublicJournals.html?Owner=mary22

"I just wanted to let you know how things were going with me lately. I am on a one week break from school. Yes, I have finished my first term. It probably isn't too much of a surprise that I walked off the first term with a 4.0 GPA. It might seem simple...but darn was it hard. This accelerated course is not anything to joke about. I knew that I didn't need to pass the finals to pass the class. I also knew that I would push myself hard to keep the good grades. God put this girl in my path that needed some extra help in Math, A&P, and Nursing 100. (It was her second time in each of these classes and if she didn't pass this time, she would be dismissed from the program.) So I decided to study/tutor her. My one teacher pointed out that I didn't really know the material unless I could teach it to another. So, nonetheless, I helped her and felt good about not slumping over the desk here and trying to learn more material than was needed. Sadly, she passed two of the three classes but missed the final in A&P by 28 points. No curve could help her that much. Only 16 out of the beginning 81 passed that exam. So term two might be on the lighter side attendance wise because they cannot move on without passing these basic classes. She and I remain friends and I feel good that I was able to help someone else without sacrificing my own self or identity.

When I do my journaling and writing, I often might come across a reading where they talk about being genuine or real. The first thing that I think of is group and you and how much I needed to be there to help me peel back those layers one by one to find the real me. The real me does change and I have found that it is okay to change what I want to do or how I want to do it. Either way, I am following the simple phrase of "To thine own self be true." I have learned that simple and easy are far from the same thing. I am also learning that I can be honest without being blunt and cruel. Gentle but sincere honesty go a long way.

Lately with work, I have had quite a few patients pass away. I know that is part of the job. The only thing is that with working for an agency, they cant place us quick enough. So, I am working a whole amount of 2 hours this week since the manager is on vacation these past few weeks. (I only worked 20 total hours the two weeks prior) Supporting a family on this is not feasible and just wont work for me. So, this week I am actively seeking employment somewhere else. I am hoping to land a position at this one facility where they will actually pay my entire education as long as I sign a promissory note saying that I will work for them two years after I am done with getting my RN. Beats paying back student loans! SO, I sent out over 20 resumes last night and will now put the results in Gods hands. I have great references from NJ and from here. Each of my instructors said they would be more than happy to give me a letter or reference if I need it.

Anyway, that is the update on Mary. I am still doing well with keeping the weight off which is REALLY hard when the teacher goes around passing out candy bars and "treats" to keep up alert and awake. One teacher even said that this was no time to be on a diet...go get those hohos and cokes and just keep at doing the school work. (She is still doing the hohos and cokes and has been done for quite a while. Yup, she is a heavy teacher.) I enjoy being able to fit in the same clothes that I fit into last year."

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Mary

HW423/LW158
265 Pounds Gone
Today's weight...175
Low carbing since 1/09/04
Maintaining for a year
http://www.fitday.com/WebFit/PublicJournals.html?Owner=mary22