My MIL came over on friday to spend the weekend with us. On saturday I spent my only day off running all over the place with her, taking her to her hair appontment and shopping at the mall. I had a headache all day and fatigue but figured it was die off symptoms.

Then sunday I woke up vomiting so hard I felt like I wanted to die. Dry heaving and everything, and even diarreah and vomiting at the same time.. it was awful!

I didn't eat all day until very late at night when I gingerly ate some homemade chicken soup my MIL made (just chicken and low carb veggies, no noodles or rice). It was low carb chicken soup and I needed something light to eat so I don't consider it a cheat even though I didn't plan it.

I took yesterday (monday) off of work and tried to relax all day. My hubby and son were sick too, but both my son and I seem to have bounced back pretty quick.

Today my MIL is sick in bed, and feeling miserable. I still feel really yucky (stomach is queasy, fatigue) but I have too much work to do so I'm at the office. I'm very hungry but my stomach feels yucky when I eat - I'm forcing myself to eat despite my stomach.

My MIL brought my BIGGEST temptation in the house this weekend. ARghhh! My biggest temptation is freshly baked cookies, you know the warm kind with chocolate chips? Well she brought a package of the refridgerated dough into the house, and OMG, it took a lot of will power to deal with those.

She brought them for hubby and I had to raise a big stink about it and set my boundaries. First I put them in the very back of the fridge where they were hidden from my sight every time I open the fridge.

Next I asked my MIL not to bring those in my house anymore. She had bought them for hubby. I told her that he was not allowed to bake them in our house.

Then MIL was going to leave yesterday, and I asked her to take the cookies home. She kept talking about leaving them in my freezer for when I'm "off my diet" and I just glared at her and told her I'm not going to ever be off my diet, this is the way I eat now. I told her I do not want them in my house, PERIOD.

Unfortunately MIL's car wouldn't start and had to be towed to a local shop. So in the afternoon my hubby comes out and is looking for the packages of cookies.

I told him I did not want him baking those things in the house. He got irritated and grumbled at me something about not being able to bake cookies in his own house, and I told him that was not nice and that he could bake cookies elsewhere.

Later I talked to him and said that I just had to draw the boundaries at cookies.. that I don't see anything else being a problem, and asked him to respect that wish.

I'm getting better and better at setting my boundaries. Still I feel guilty and MIL manipulates that guilt like a puppet on a string.

My MIL is constantly making comments about how much weight I've lost, how I'm shrinking away, yadda yadda. Then she eats tons and tons of crap right in front of me, and talks about how good it tastes. I was reading this article about Family Food Enablers and my MIL fits the description to a T! The article:

Beware The Ultimate Diet Derailers

I really have to set up some more boundaries with her. I really can't stop her from eating junk in front of me, because that is what she eats, and I think that would be over the top.

She's constantly talking about food in front of hubby too, and he says she is obsessed with food. She's grieving deaths right now, and using food big time to medicate. I *will* draw the line at having fresh cookie dough in the house though.

I will also have to find a way to ask her to stop trying to compliment me on my weight loss. At first it was nice but now it's just irritating and distracting. She is so incredibily shallow.

It's so hard to be around her.. my son is crazy about her and she is so good with him though. She teaches him a lot and plays with him and makes him very happy. She drives me and hubby nuts though!

I don't know why the compliments bug me, as I would have lapped them up in the past. But now I just want to be left in peace with my peaceful way of eating without all the sabatoge (intentional or unintentional), food obsession, questions, compliments and everything else that goes with it.

I'm looking forward to a time when this all dies down. Maybe it never will, but I hope one day to have more peace with this and I think I will eventually get there.

Luv,
Debby
San Jose, CA
HW: 380
CW: 306
GW: 150
Fitday (since 2/9/06): Debby's Fitday Journal
LWTD fully since 10/11/05 (after 4-6 months of babysteps)
"I'm not where I need to be but thank goodness I'm not where I used to be - I'm on my way!"
"You can't make wrong choices and expect right results" -- Joyce Meyer

Last Edited DebbyHudson on 11-Apr-2006 1:59 PM

As for family enablers...... I have all on that articles list. My mom falls into 3 of the four catagories. lol
She was just put on her second medicine that could be prevented by dietary change. She's been on iron pills for a while because she doesn't eat right, she was given high blood pressure meds this past week. I hope it's her wake up call.(she KNOWS what she needs to do to get off them. knowing and doing are 2 different things as we all know) I'd like her to be healthy and stick around. But nothing I say or do will make her be ready to stop making excuses and just take control of her health. Only if and when she's ready will she be able to do it.

As for the manipulation and guilt.... when I find myself starting to feel guilty because of something someone else says or wants or does, I stop and ask myself if I am within my right to act/behave in a manner that takes care of me. I generally find I am perfectly within my rights and there's no reason for the guilt.

Leading with the diet sure helps processing all that external stuff and internal stuff much easier.
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Christina
hw 264+ 1-16-04
gw 125
today 125

Thing is my MIL drives me nuts because she is SUPER manipulative. If I try and set my boundaries, she acts like I'm offending her or hurting her feelings.

If I don't set my boundaries she runs right over me. Sometimes I feel like I can't win with her.. there is no middle ground.

Like last night when I was setting up my grocery delivery online, she kept insisting that I buy hubby some potatoes, even though I don't feel he needs them, think they are just as unhealthy as the fast food he buys, and know he won't cook them for himself.

Anyways, after the third time saying no, and some intense pressure from her, I very crankily said that I need to be able to say NO to her and that I need to set my boundaries.

Then she got all offended and said maybe she should go home. I tried to talk to her about it, but she just danced around the details, rather than getting to the root cause -- her pushiness.

At least this shows me I can get through a really really rotten week and be abstinent. Even though I'm sure things could be a lot worse, it was a good test of my abstinence this week.

Thanks for listening...

Luv,
Debby
San Jose, CA
HW: 380
CW: 306
GW: 150
Fitday (since 2/9/06): Debby's Fitday Journal
LWTD fully since 10/11/05 (after 4-6 months of babysteps)
"I'm not where I need to be but thank goodness I'm not where I used to be - I'm on my way!"
"You can't make wrong choices and expect right results" -- Joyce Meyer

Then she got all offended and said maybe she should go home. I tried to talk to her about it, but she just danced around the details, rather than getting to the root cause -- her pushiness.

Yes Debby, THE BIGGEST part of the retrofitting of ourselves after making the (final) decision to lead with the diet, is learning to set boundaries on ourselves and others. And as you have illustrated here, it’s a big and bumpy challenge, one that honestly takes years to get better at (on all sides, lol). Setting boundaries on those closest to us is especially difficult at first. It’s very often a two-steps-forward, one-step-back process. Both sides have lots of learning and gentle adjusting to do. (I sense that you really struggle with gentle?)

What struck me about this exchange is that 1. (unless she lives with you) your MIL is over a boundary even discussing your grocery list, but I have to (rhetorically) question why would you do that in her presence. Isn’t that somewhat of an invitation for her to give input into the process? 2. In my opinion YOU are over a boundary when you “feel your DH doesn’t need potatoes, you think they are just as unhealthy as the fast food he buys”. (Just as a sidenote here, isn’t it curious that you and MIL are discussing/arguing your DH’s food wants/needs. You are BOTH taking responsibility for him, he who is now a separate adult, who could/should be responsible for HIMSELF. Do you see that this is a responsibility that is not healthy for either of you to be assuming? It’s not a good thing for HIM either.)

It’s not that you’re wrong about potatoes Debby, it’s that how YOU feel about potatoes and your DH and his eating is not your business. He gets to decide how he feels and behaves about potatoes and every other food. (That you’ve got a partner who LETS you do that is a whole ‘nother post, lol)

What IS your concern is that if you order the weekly food (or however you do it), then you should ASK dh if he would like some potatoes (or any other food) when you order. If he says yes, ask him how many he wants you to order. If he eats them, fine, if not, well then you have that information and when you ask him if he wants potatoes next time, you might remind him of how he did or didn’t eat the number he ordered before, but I think better would be to just go ahead and order what he requests, EVEN if he (gasp) “makes a mistake”.

Seems to me that perhaps your whole food procuring system needs an overhaul? Perhaps he could order his own food separately? Or you could tell him to tell you by a certain date and time what he wants you to order for him? If MIL lives with you or spends significant time there, then either she adds her own stuff to the order, or she manages to procure food for herself in another way. Of course one of you needs to assume responsibility for ordering foods for your son’s needs, but other than that, why would it be a bad thing for each of you to decide (or take responsibility) for seeing that your own foods are procured? Seems like you want to have all the control here, but honestly, that’s not a helpful or necessary thing Debby, it really isn’t.

Boundary setting can be awkward and it’s okay to do it wrong, too strong, or to make mistakes. That is how we ALL learn. Right now all you have to focus on is getting the foods in the quantities YOU require to keep your foundation steady and separating that from everything and everybody else.

Debby, I think you are also over a boundary when you want to DISCUSS or get to the root cause—or address in ANY way your MIL’s “pushiness” trying to make it be part of why you have difficulty setting YOUR boundaries. When setting boundaries, you only get (and need) to say where your boundary is, not why, or why someone else might have trouble understanding/dealing with your boundary. See how simple this is, and how complicated we STILL seem driven to make it?

As for your DH baking cookies in your house? Well, wow. Honestly, to me it’s his house just as much as it is your house. I’m wondering (don’t kill me, just consider (grin)), would it be possible for you to LEAVE the house while he bakes cookies? I can see why you don’t want cookies LEFT in your house, much like an alcoholic can’t have alcohol around sitting in the cupboards. But if the alcoholic, out of my presence, wanted to bring in the ingredients into my home and mix up a martini, well as long as he doesn’t leave the vodka and vermouth behind, I think that would need to be okay, at least pretty soon in the retrofitting process.

Does your MIL live nearby? Could your DH go to her place to bake cookies? (I do think that’s a terrible idea, frankly. It would end up pitting both of them “against” you in your food ordeal.)

Debby, I work in a crazy-busy preschool that is housed in a crazy-busy church. Both at the preschool and at the church there is cooking/baking going almost constantly. Weekly/daily I smell brownies baking, bread baking, popcorn popping, I see kids playing with pudding and frosting, and I smell a giant fried chicken dinner being made for the homeless every Friday afternoon as I am heading out the door. I am offered all of it regularly, it’s all being made to share. Kids bring cupcakes with big smiles on their faces (or leave them on my desk if I’m away) for their birthdays, I am given trays of cookies, pounds of candy at Christmas, on Valentines Day, yes at Easter, and at the end of each school year! Learning to behave around other people and the food customs of this culture (right or wrong) is a big part of the challenge of letting go and controlling ONLY ourselves honey.

Overall here, I’m seeing that you want to control every bit of food in your house, and in some contexts of course that is VERY understandable. But the bottom line is that all you REALLY need to control is the food that goes into your mouth. And the more you focus on that, and the less you focus on what everybody else around you is eating (or saying), the better and STRONGER you will get at this.

Adele (142 this morning),
who is now going for a lovely Easter Morning walk!!
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168/140, Size 16/8
Lowcarbing 9+ years
Maintaining at goal 6+ years
Moderator/Owner
adele@leadwiththediet.com

Last Edited Adele on 16-Apr-2006 7:38 AM

Basically for me I was just so exhausted from being sick and tired from everything I have to do that I was very impatient and snippy with my response at the time. I would have preferred to respond better to the great potato debate but I felt like a tiger with a toothache.

What struck me about this exchange is that 1. (unless she lives with you) your MIL is over a boundary even discussing your grocery list, but I have to (rhetorically) question why would you do that in her presence. Isn’t that somewhat of an invitation for her to give input into the process?

Well my MIL was staying with us for a week, so when I do my grocery order I buy food for my son, nanny, myself and hubby. Since MIL was still going to be staying with us for a few days at that point, and she was still recovering from the flu, I asked her if she wanted anything.

She gave me a list my nanny had made up, and she had added potatoes for my hubby to cook for himself after she left. I had at that point already asked hubby what he wanted to order, and it was his usual frozen pizza, ice cream and coke -- no mention of potatoes. None of those are boundary foods for me.

Even potatoes aren't boundary foods for me.. it's just that in the past I've bought them for hubby before and they've ended up sitting around until they rot. Hubby is the biggest pain in the butt to feed that you ever want to see.

He's incredibly picky about his food and will not eat left overs, so what he doesn't eat gets wasted. I still have trouble wasting food, growing up with not much money it was drilled in my head not to waste. It just bugs me, so I want to avoid a wasteful situation of my money and potatoes.

So I only buy him exactly what he asks for because I've tried time and time again to cook for him with him being unhappy with my cooking, and wasting the food, and bought him things like pizza pockets which he says don't taste good, etc. He's not the type of person that will just eat anything, and what he doesn't eat gets wasted.

2. In my opinion YOU are over a boundary when you “feel your DH doesn’t need potatoes, you think they are just as unhealthy as the fast food he buys”. (Just as a sidenote here, isn’t it curious that you and MIL are discussing/arguing your DH’s food wants/needs. You are BOTH taking responsibility for him, he who is now a separate adult, who could/should be responsible for HIMSELF. Do you see that this is a responsibility that is not healthy for either of you to be assuming? It’s not a good thing for HIM either.)

Well like I explained above, my reasons for not buying him potatoes had *nothing* to do with the fact that I'm of the opinion they are bad for him or even temptation. It had everything to do with the fact that he didn't ask for them and that when I've bought them for him in the past he hasn't eaten them.

I buy my hubby junk food all the time, and even pick up fast food for him on my way home from work when he calls me and asks. But I only buy him what he asks for.. I never go out of my way to buy something for him on a whim in case he'd want it.

His tastes are too fleeting for that. Sometimes I feel like an enabler for buying him the junk, but he's going to eat it anyway and he really appreciates when I order him special ice cream or pick him up a burger so I just do it.

What IS your concern is that if you order the weekly food (or however you do it), then you should ASK dh if he would like some potatoes (or any other food) when you order. If he says yes, ask him how many he wants you to order. If he eats them, fine, if not, well then you have that information and when you ask him if he wants potatoes next time, you might remind him of how he did or didn’t eat the number he ordered before, but I think better would be to just go ahead and order what he requests, EVEN if he (gasp) “makes a mistake”.

Yup, I did. I had already put his order in.. this was a request from my MIL for my hubby. I'm fortunate that hubby usually doesn't ask for food that tempts me.

Seems to me that perhaps your whole food procuring system needs an overhaul? Perhaps he could order his own food separately? Or you could tell him to tell you by a certain date and time what he wants you to order for him? If MIL lives with you or spends significant time there, then either she adds her own stuff to the order, or she manages to procure food for herself in another way. Of course one of you needs to assume responsibility for ordering foods for your son’s needs, but other than that, why would it be a bad thing for each of you to decide (or take responsibility) for seeing that your own foods are procured? Seems like you want to have all the control here, but honestly, that’s not a helpful or necessary thing Debby, it really isn’t.

I definitely like control, you know that about me Adele. But I don't think that's the problem in this case. When my MIL visits she brings a ton of junk with her and it's just disruptive to me and my peaceful environment.

Normally when you open my fridge you see nothing but fresh fruit (for nanny/son), tons of veggies, some meat, baby's yogurt/juice, some sodas for hubby (yuck) and that's about it. Freezer has frozen junk food and ice cream but I don't look in there often.

My MIL brings all kinds of junk in the house and the minute she leaves, if she leaves any behind, I throw it away. This extended visit was very hard and unexpected. Also hubby and I have an agreement that sourdough bread and cookie dough won't come in the house.

Not much else tempts me or bothers me, and I don't think it's an unreasonable request for just two items. It's been working fine for us, it's just that MIL didn't know the boundary.

Debby, I think you are also over a boundary when you want to DISCUSS or get to the root cause—or address in ANY way your MIL’s “pushiness” trying to make it be part of why you have difficulty setting YOUR boundaries. When setting boundaries, you only get (and need) to say where your boundary is, not why, or why someone else might have trouble understanding/dealing with your boundary. See how simple this is, and how complicated we STILL seem driven to make it?

I do agree I have control issues, which makes it even harder to set boundaries in the first place since I'm so aware of being over-controlling. At that point though, I don't think it was that I had problems setting boundaries, I think she just wasn't respecting them. I had already said No very clearly to her twice before the third time when I got cranky about it.

I would think that saying No would be enough of a boundary and that she would respect it. So what I was talking about with her was that I wish I could tell her No and that she would respect that and not push it because I want to be able to have a better relationship with her.

As for your DH baking cookies in your house? Well, wow. Honestly, to me it’s his house just as much as it is your house. I’m wondering (don’t kill me, just consider (grin)), would it be possible for you to LEAVE the house while he bakes cookies?

Yup, and I talked with him about it and he said it's not necessary, that he doesn't mind not baking cookies in the house. This was all just my MIL creating drama in our lives.

Does your MIL live nearby? Could your DH go to her place to bake cookies? (I do think that’s a terrible idea, frankly. It would end up pitting both of them “against” you in your food ordeal.)

She lives about 2 hours away, thank God. They pretty much both gorge so they are both against me anyway, but that's OK.

Learning to behave around other people and the food customs of this culture (right or wrong) is a big part of the challenge of letting go and controlling ONLY ourselves honey.

I know that, but I don't particularly want to go out of my way to put myself in those situations you know? Having to smell baking cookies makes me uncomfortable and totally sets off cravings for me, no matter what my mood or feelings.

I will always like cookies, desire cookies, etc. But I think it would be foolish not to try and protect myself at least a little but from my ULTIMATE dragon food.

If I just let the cookies be baked around me, I have to strengthen my resolve and will-power and desires and that is a lot of emotional work and self-talking that I have to do in that situation when I'd rather just not be around it.

I know I can NOT eat cookies in that situation, but I don't really want to tempt myself. The same way even though I'm not an alcoholic, I can't stand being around people that drink.

I prefer to surround myself with positive supportive people as much as possible and keep my environment positive by making choices about what situations I put myself in.

When something really important comes up like a business lunch and I *have* to deal with it, then I do. But I don't want to deal with it any more than I have to, you know?

Overall here, I’m seeing that you want to control every bit of food in your house, and in some contexts of course that is VERY understandable. But the bottom line is that all you REALLY need to control is the food that goes into your mouth. And the more you focus on that, and the less you focus on what everybody else around you is eating (or saying), the better and STRONGER you will get at this.

I totally get what you are saying Adele. I hope that the extra information I have provided shows a bit of a different picture as I don't believe I'm *that* controlling (perhaps I am?).

I don't usually focus on what other people are eating or saying, but man the smell of fresh baked cookies is just too much for me, at least at this point. Thanks for your input. I'm sorry to write such a long message.. I'm not very good at brevity.

Luv,
Debby
San Jose, CA
HW: 380
CW: 304
GW: 150
Fitday (since 2/9/06): Debby's Fitday Journal
LWTD fully since 10/11/05 (after 4-6 months of babysteps)
QUOTE: Today is the most important day.

Last Edited DebbyHudson on 17-Apr-2006 2:37 AM

Whew! Brevity? Debby, all I see is a somewhat frantic, point-by-point “yes but”.

Yes but I was “exhausted” (your word) from trying to control everything and everybody else—my DH’s food, my MIL’s pushiness, the way my refrigerator looks inside, my DH’s “irresponsible” food/money waste problems, the way I can only get food by ordering groceries for everybody in my world once a week by computer. You don’t want to go out of your way to “get in situations”??? And your antidote to that is to get in the way of others?? How’s THAT working for you?

Debby, you are focusing on trying to fix/control your world so you can do this. That isn’t possible, but more importantly it is exhausting. I’m telling you there’s your biggest reason why. And you even exhausted yourself further by trying to explain why YOU HAVE to control things, that you have all kinds of special situations. Sorry honey, honestly, I’m still not buying any of it, and I am pretty sure that no one else is either.

What would be so terrible about your DH and your MIL having to figure their own food out for themselves (which it sounds like they already do most of the time, you just keep thinking you need to have some kind of say/impact on it all, you think you CAN and NEED to block that!) Good Lord, girl how did your DH manage to eat before he met you—don’t answer that, it’s a rhetorical question, I think we all know the answer.

Debby, let your husband’s food go. Let your MIL go. Let control of your beautiful refrigerator go. Let control of the smells in your house (and in your world) go. Just carve out ONE shelf in your precious (SHARED) refrigerator for you and your quiet little anchor foods and let everything else (except your little boy’s food) GO. If you must feed your Nanny, ask for a specific order from her. Let your whole world rearrange itself around THAT. It will—if you will let it.

Instead of saying to your husband and your MIL and your Nanny, “I need to control your food/world because I need to stop eating addictively to lose weight,” say I will need for you to handle your own food because I need to separate and handle this issue for myself. (Thereby giving THEM the same courtesy of deciding their own paths.)

I am telling you that because it is what I did so many years ago, I’d almost forgotten about it. Our dietary enmeshment wasn’t nearly as obvious or serious as yours appears to be. Nevertheless, MANY things about my DH and my food relationship have slowly changed—all for the better—in that time. Surprise, surprise, my DH was not incapable of eating well or right for his body, in fact guess what? He got better at his own food issues and more attuned to his body (which has different needs than my body) by me “allowing” him to do that. We eventually “came together” in a much stronger, healthier way many years later because I let go of that. Not just with food, either.

Of course, it would be just as possible that my DH would not have changed for the better. Still not my problem, not MY issue. THAT would STILL be better and healthier. I don’t have the right or the responsibility to manage my DH’s eating not even “for the children”—not even to show them a “perfect” example.” I may not LIKE it, I may disapprove, but I still owe them the freedom to figure out how to eat through their lives too. They only get to grow up with (the benefits of) their parents choosing different paths, and perhaps seeing the results. Then they get to choose how they live.

My mother smoked her whole (shortened) life, my father quit when I was 6. My mother, who although she became a weird kind of a health nut and tried to control my weight/eating as part of that, died of lung cancer at the age I am now. My father is still living 28 years later, age 89, not smoking. The lesson is there for the taking—it’s a lifestyle choice—essentially the same thing as food.

Debby you simply have to learn to handle food smells which you say cause cravings. You cannot engineer cravings out of your life, even out of your home. All you can do, all you have to do, is change how you behave when they come over you. You can minimize that by what you’re already doing—having a topped off tank of premium fuel.

Then maybe you can learn to find places to GO and things to do when things in your (SHARED!) house are bothering you. Places like libraries, furniture stores, sporting goods stores, or going on a long walk with friends and/or your son, seeking out places where food is not the focus.

All the rest is what you ABIDE. You will learn new skills only if you stop attempting to perfect the anti-productive ones that are so exhausting you.

Adele (142 this morning)
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168/140, Size 16/8
Lowcarbing 9+ years
Maintaining at goal 6+ years
Moderator/Owner
adele@leadwiththediet.com

Last Edited Adele on 20-Apr-2006 6:47 AM

That's 6 pounds in about two weeks Debby!

It seems leading with an abstinent plan is doing good things for you Debby. That is great to see. Wanna talk more about how you feel breaking through the latest barrier? Is it, really, "all good"?

(Perhaps yes it is, so far.)

Adele (142 this morning)
----------
168/140, Size 16/8
Lowcarbing 9+ years
Maintaining at goal 6+ years
Moderator/Owner
adele@leadwiththediet.com

I had a lot of negative thoughts like this is it.. I won't go any lower than this. I now weigh less than my hubby, my mother, my brother and several friends .. all of whom (except my brother) I weighed more than a year ago. In some ways I feel guilty to even tell them how much I've lost. I have a lot of friends who struggle with their weight.. I'm surrounded by them.

I feel sometimes bad because I so wish they would be successful too, but I can't do it for them. Sometimes it's hard for me to be happy when the people around me are sad.. I guess I'm too empathetic. I do hope I can inspire people some day... but mostly I just feel when I share my success that they are jealous and if I say anything I'm rubbing it in. I know I was always jealous when I saw others lose.. maybe that's just me projecting my feelings on them.

At the same time my cleaning up my diet allowed me to see a lot of things that I am unhappy about, one major thing being my marriage. So last week I had a long talk with hubby and got a lot of things off my chest. The talk was hard and emotionally draining, but I really feel it was productive. We are already making some positive changes together.

One weird thing happened. In the middle of the difficult conversation with hubby, which lasted four hours, I realized that I needed to eat my dinner. I didn't even want to eat, and while I sat there eating my food and barely tasting it, like it was a chore, it was pretty amazing that during a huge emotional conversation with hubby, it was automatic that I thought of my chore of eating.

I guess it was weird because I wasn't eating not to feel or avoid feeling, I was forcing myself to eat out of discipline because I knew if I didn't eat then I would end up eating too late at night and too close to bed (which is a problem for me).

It was like even in the midst of the crisis it was such a priority for me to take care of myself, such a habit that even the crisis didn't seem to stop me from this good habit. Well I don't know if it's good or bad, but it was very interesting to me eating my boring dinner in the middle of the crisis. It was like no matter what was going on around me, I clung to my sanity, the one thing that seems clean in my life.. my food plan.

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Luv,
Debby
San Jose, CA
HW: 380
CW: 298
GW: 150
Fitday (since 2/9/06): Debby's Fitday Journal
LWTD fully since 10/11/05 (after 4-6 months of babysteps)
QUOTE: Today is the most important day.

I think being aware of this is a good thing. Because one way to stop almost ALL of these emotions, the good AND the “bad”, is to just go ahead fall off the wagon again. That’s the biggest long-term pattern I think we yo-yo eaters and addicts bring to this. I think it helps to face up to the fact that these crazy emotions are what fuel our on-and-off DESIRE to fall off the wagon, that desire will continue to be around, but falling off the wagon is not an option once we really decide we want a different life more.

I had a lot of negative thoughts like this is it.. I won't go any lower than this. I now weigh less than my hubby, my mother, my brother and several friends .. all of whom (except my brother) I weighed more than a year ago. In some ways I feel guilty to even tell them how much I've lost. I have a lot of friends who struggle with their weight.. I'm surrounded by them.

You are beginning the process of really understanding that the changes in you DO have impact on the people in your various communities. This is, to a large extent, going to be a separation process. Separating PARTS of yourself from SOME the behavior norms and patterns of your larger world (pardon the pun?) Rejecting one tiny part of what they do without rejecting THEM.

I don’t know that you SHOULD tell others much about your weight loss unless they ask, and then I think I’d just answer the question(s) and gently redirect the topic of conversation. (Just like you don’t announce when you change toothpaste brands, right?) I think this would help enforce the separation that your weight journey is primarily about your relationship with food (and yourself), and enforcing that others in your life are free to feel whatever they feel about your eating and your results.

I feel sometimes bad because I so wish they would be successful too, but I can't do it for them.

Ever considered that you are over a boundary in just assuming (deciding?) that they want, need, or SHOULD BE “successful” according to YOUR ideas of what that is? (There’s that SHOULD in our addicted-brained thinking.)

That’s another important separation of this journey in my opinion, Debby. They get to feel/decide whatever they want about their own lives. You get to feel/decide yours, and only yours.

Sometimes it's hard for me to be happy when the people around me are sad. I guess I'm too empathetic.

You are (I think we all are) at least somewhat hypersensitive to what others think and feel. Not only is this a boundary violation, it’s also, quite handily to our denial-dance, distracting. As long as we’re doing nothing illegal or immoral, or anything specifically TO them, we cannot be responsible for the actions, reactions or feelings of others. Isn’t even a bit arrogant to think we are? Attempting to take responsibility for others’ actions or feelings, should they have weak enough boundaries to permit us to do so, is also ultimately misleading and counterproductive to their own growth. Take for instance the mother who attempts to take on the responsibility of controlling her teenage daughter’s weight/eating. A lot of us have been there, right? Or say the mother who never lets her kid try to put on his own coat or tie his own shoes because he can’t do it?

I do hope I can inspire people some day... but mostly I just feel when I share my success that they are jealous and if I say anything I'm rubbing it in.

I wonder if it would help you to know that I have helped absolutely no one in my “real life”. And that I’ve helped VERY few in my cyblerlife, certainly not a single one until I’d gotten to AND STAYED at goal for a while. (Connie was the first, I believe). I haven’t been able to help many who have ASKED, and certainly not a single one who hasn’t.

That sure doesn’t mean I didn’t try very very hard! But from hindsight I can see how I had to get the oxygen mask firmly on myself before I could begin to point others in the direction of the oxygen mask. (And then they still decide that “my kind of oxygen” is what they really need, then see the oxygen mask is there and then they have to decide to put it on for themselves, day in and day out, for years.)

Have you noticed in just the short time since we’ve been here on this tiny little message board, how many have come in and said hallelujah, THIS is the place that will help me, who have then disappeared? So see, even being at goal is far from any kind of guarantee that we can lend a hand. That proverbial light bulb has got to want to change more than anything else in the world. I have found few light bulbs who really wanted to change Debby.

Also, while I have a fairly good/busy social life and I would say many friends, I can tell you that when it comes to discussing weight loss and management, I have had to learn, big-time, to keep that separate and private. That is, quite literally, why I’m here. I am not primarily here to help others. I am still here to keep on helping myself. It still helps me a lot to write and talk about this. THIS is another way, maybe the primary way, I can Keep This Separate in MY life.

I know I was always jealous when I saw others lose.. maybe that's just me projecting my feelings on them.

You’re worried about “hurting” other people by your success. Yes, it is possible, even likely that “success”, assuming you keep going, will have some unpleasant, disruptive effects on others. How in the world do you think you can keep going if you somehow try to NOT let THIS part of the journey happen? If you spend a lot of energy even attempting to mitigate it?

I wonder, if/when you saw others in your life lose weight, did they attempt to assuage YOUR reactions to it?

This is why I think SEPARATION is so important to this journey Debby. All you really have to separate for now, and for a long long time, is your eating from others (and I DO see you doing that). You don’t have to control the EFFECTS of that separation on others. What you’re doing really IS enough. All the rest is mostly incidental, and mostly for them to come to their own (yes even “wrong”) terms with.

At the same time my cleaning up my diet allowed me to see a lot of things that I am unhappy about, one major thing being my marriage. So last week I had a long talk with hubby and got a lot of things off my chest.

I do think it’s a great idea to open and keep the lines of communication open with our significant others during this journey. It IS a scary time, and I think it’s especially scary/difficult if our SO’s have food issues too. Although I would say my and my DH’s food issues were minimal, we DID have issues in that I had always “taken (OVER)responsibility” for all the family’s eating, like a good little mother SHOULD (wink). I had a lot of adjusting to do with all that, and, as a consequence I learned, and so did my husband, albeit very slowly. After all, he’d been through more than 25 years of my back-and-forth. It certainly is understandable that it took major time, several years honestly, for us both to know that this time was different, and then adjust to that.

One weird thing happened. In the middle of the difficult conversation with hubby, which lasted four hours, I realized that I needed to eat my dinner. I didn't even want to eat, and while I sat there eating my food and barely tasting it, like it was a chore, it was pretty amazing that during a huge emotional conversation with hubby, it was automatic that I thought of my chore of eating.

I guess it was weird because I wasn't eating not to feel or avoid feeling, I was forcing myself to eat out of discipline because I knew if I didn't eat then I would end up eating too late at night and too close to bed (which is a problem for me).

It was like even in the midst of the crisis it was such a priority for me to take care of myself, such a habit that even the crisis didn't seem to stop me from this good habit. Well I don't know if it's good or bad, but it was very interesting to me eating my boring dinner in the middle of the crisis. It was like no matter what was going on around me, I clung to my sanity, the one thing that seems clean in my life. my food plan.

This is not weird to me, yes it IS interesting to me too, and I see it as an encouraging sign that you report this. Contrary to what a lot of people in our culture might think (good grief, we’re in the middle of an argument, how can you be thinking about eating now?), to me it is a sign that food is beginning to take a healthier place in your life. And do you see how you didn’t exactly set out to make THAT happen, but when you lead with the right kind of foods and nothing else, that’s what WILL slowly happen pretty much all by itself? You were feeling hungry at an especially emotional (vulnerable) time and you started to sense you needed an anchor. I think that is a very very good sign Debby. I think that’s what leading with the diet has led you TO.

This is what I see happening to people who will stay with the (yes, forced) new eating/food/life pattern long enough UNTIL this happens. We mostly have to LET it/wait for it to happen—when that SEPARATION really does occur—it goes from physical and forced, to emotional and “automatic”. It becomes our corrected “instinct” for eating to live instead of living to eat.

That’s not what or how the food “industry” and advertisers and the Martha Stewarts in our world spend a lot of time and money trying to convince us to think or behave, not because it’s “right” or “wrong,” but because it’s not in THEIR best (bottom-line balance sheet) interests. They work hard to change/bend the way we make decisions. We have to work hard to undo that influence/damage they cause. Unwittingly, I think, buttheir intentions really don’t matter.

Adele (142 this morning)
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168/140, Size 16/8
Lowcarbing 9+ years
Maintaining at goal 6+ years
Moderator/Owner
adele@leadwiththediet.com

Last Edited Adele on 4-May-2006 9:42 AM

Sorry I missed this post, finally checking in here.

I don’t know that you SHOULD tell others much about your weight loss unless they ask, and then I think I’d just answer the question(s) and gently redirect the topic of conversation. (Just like you don’t announce when you change toothpaste brands, right?) I think this would help enforce the separation that your weight journey is primarily about your relationship with food (and yourself), and enforcing that others in your life are free to feel whatever they feel about your eating and your results.

Sometimes I have a hard time NOT shouting my weight loss stuff from the rooftops. It's such a big deal for me, it's so exciting to finally feel in control about this part of my life. All my life I've been able to get past obstacles, and come out ahead through turmoil.

I never could understand why I spent 12 years reading/researching on low carb and spent so much TIME on trying to figure out why I couldn't stick with it even though I knew it was the best thing for me. Once I read all of your articles I had an epiphany, found the missing pieces of the puzzle, and the coaching I've recieved from you has reinforced everything I learned from your essays..

Ever considered that you are over a boundary in just assuming (deciding?) that they want, need, or SHOULD BE “successful” according to YOUR ideas of what that is? (There’s that SHOULD in our addicted-brained thinking.)

Not really in this case because they have told me themselves they aren't getting the results they want.

That’s another important separation of this journey in my opinion, Debby. They get to feel/decide whatever they want about their own lives. You get to feel/decide yours, and only yours.

That's all a part of my control issues.. especially with my DH. I feel that since if DH doesn't take care of himself, and leaves me a widow/single mother at a young age then I have a right to push him in the right direction. But I realize that controlling is destructive rather than constructive.

I've always gotten too much positive reinforcement from it though, where people cow to my bullying ways and I convince myself that I have really shown them the "right" way, and eventually many have just gotten sick of my bosiness and gone away from me.. who can blame them? I'm much better than I was long ago but still constantly have to work on this issue.. it's one thing I'm working on in therapy, among others.

I wonder if it would help you to know that I have helped absolutely no one in my “real life”. And that I’ve helped VERY few in my cyblerlife, certainly not a single one until I’d gotten to AND STAYED at goal for a while. (Connie was the first, I believe). I haven’t been able to help many who have ASKED, and certainly not a single one who hasn’t.

I think that making these choices and following them up with our actions is incredibly HARD, but I know myself well enough that I am up to the challenge, for life. But I think that many others lack hope and inspiration.. I had convinced myself that pretty much *nobody* could stick to low carb long term, no matter how good it was for them, and that *everyone* would eventually end up cheating.. I had no role models, nobody to look up to, noone to show me hope/inspiration or a reason to think otherwise.

Then I found Connie's site and I had to start rethinking that belief.. and later I found your site and had to re-examine everything about my beliefs in this area. You've shown me that it *can* be done, and now because you've led the way, I believe that I *can* do it too. I hope to be able to show people, when I have a good amount of time under my belt, the same hope and inspiration you've shown me.

That sure doesn’t mean I didn’t try very very hard! But from hindsight I can see how I had to get the oxygen mask firmly on myself before I could begin to point others in the direction of the oxygen mask. (And then they still decide that “my kind of oxygen” is what they really need, then see the oxygen mask is there and then they have to decide to put it on for themselves, day in and day out, for years.)

Yes, I totally get it. I do fear sometimes that I will lose some family/friends before I get to that point though.. I guess that is where the anxiety comes from. I have never lost anyone close to me before, so I fear death of loved ones because I've never gone through it and I hear it's terrible. Most other situations I've been able to handle in my life OK, but for some reason I just fear that I will flip out if I lose some people in my life.

Have you noticed in just the short time since we’ve been here on this tiny little message board, how many have come in and said hallelujah, THIS is the place that will help me, who have then disappeared? So see, even being at goal is far from any kind of guarantee that we can lend a hand. That proverbial light bulb has got to want to change more than anything else in the world. I have found few light bulbs who really wanted to change Debby.

Yes I know.. sometimes the hopelessness and despair is oppressive.. I have TOTAL control of WHO I am, and how I react, feel, etc. No matter what someone else does, but that doesn't mean that sometimes it isn't hard NOT let it affect me, you know?

You’re worried about “hurting” other people by your success. Yes, it is possible, even likely that “success”, assuming you keep going, will have some unpleasant, disruptive effects on others. How in the world do you think you can keep going if you somehow try to NOT let THIS part of the journey happen? If you spend a lot of energy even attempting to mitigate it?

Yes, makes sense.. I guess with a few people in my life it's become a practice to share my weight loss status with them, as they share it with me. With these people we do talk about weight loss, etc. When I weighed more than them I kind of felt comfortable, but when I weighed less than them and/or was having better results it started making me feel bad. Especially because I would love for them to have it too.

I wonder, if/when you saw others in your life lose weight, did they attempt to assuage YOUR reactions to it?

Sometimes yes, sometimes no. I know that *I* have felt jealous on many occassions with others success. It's an ugly feeling, it disturbs me when I feel that way. This weekend I went to a mother's day luncheon with my mom's group and I saw an aquaintance who had WLS in December. She's lost 80 pounds since the surgery just over five months ago.. almost more than I have in the last 19 months I've been struggling (although I only managed to lose 15 pounds until I got fully on gold standard 7 months ago).

I know WLS is not going to fix the real reasons she ate (or me for that matter), it's not going to make her make better choices (she ate sandwhiches and dessert at the luncheon while I sipped herbal tea), it's not going to give her peace the way I have, it's not going to make her healthier, etc. I know it's likely she wont' keep the weight off anyway, etc. But I couldn't help feeling jealous! Wouldn't it be great if we could all cut off most of our stomachs and let the physical limitation make our decisions for us (NOT!).

Not only was I jealous, but I was bothered by this example she sets for others who have weight issues, who might be inspired to follow in her foot steps. Another of my friends had the surgery, and yet another is in the beginning steps to get it. I know others probably feel the way I do.. you look at her and you think, wow all I have to do is have this surgery, go through a little pain for a while and then my body just won't let me eat what I want.. they make it all seem so simple.

Then I look at the path I've chosen, and though I'm SURE I'll be much more successful and long term, I can't help but think of how other people view it.. it's a HARD path to follow (with lots of rewards - but many can't understand those rewards until they actually get them .. how do you explain to someone how much peace you get from this?) and why would someone want to do things the hard way when WLS just looks so easy?

So I felt all of these things, and I just felt them and thought about them, called a friend and talked about them a bit, but I did not eat.. that's just not a part of my life anymore.

You were feeling hungry at an especially emotional (vulnerable) time and you started to sense you needed an anchor. I think that is a very very good sign Debby. I think that’s what leading with the diet has led you TO.

Actually I didn't feel hungry at all.. in fact I rarely feel hungry these days.. eating has become the chore you promised and most of the time I have to choke my food down.. I have to set reminders to eat because I won't eat otherwise. No appetite, no cravings.. just peace in the food arena. Now if only I could get the same results in a few other areas of my life I would be set!

So I got stuck for 2 weeks at the same weight, when I have been consistently losing 2-4 pounds a week since the beginning. At first I freaked out, wondering if I had changed something and broken something that I'm doing. I think it might have been stress related.

Anyways my first impulse was to start making changes, but then I realized I just needed to CALM down and let my body work. I did "attempt" to step up my exercise a bit but it didn't work out and today I finally woke up two pounds lighter. The two weeks without change and without me quitting I think were a good short term experience for me.. because at some point I will be at goal and there won't be any changes in my weight for motivation.. only the same peaceful eating day in and day out.. the eating I've come to view as the anchor in my life.. my abstinence is my sanity..

----------
Luv,
Debby
San Jose, CA
HW: 380
CW: 293
GW: 150
Fitday (since 2/9/06): Debby's Fitday Journal
LWTD fully since 10/11/05 (after 4-6 months of babysteps)
QUOTE: Today is the most important day.

I’m not going to go point-by-point with you. To me your post can be summarized as “I admit I am controlling, it’s hard to change, I have been told by many that it’s not good or helpful to me or anyone else, but my circumstances are special/unique, I still HAVE to do it, it’s for everybody else’s own good, besides they tolerate it from me, they haven’t rejected me yet, so it must be okay to continue doing it, I have always been that way, and I have lots of good reasons for being that way, I can explain...”

Isn’t that pretty much a giant “yes, but”?

I am going to bite my tongue because you are doing VERY well with the diet, you absolutely ARE leading with a clean, vegetable rich diet, and that diet is taking you where it should, right now. That’s just terrific, in my opinion, that’s the SOLID foundation you need to slowly begin babystepping through all the rest of the work.

The rest, in my opinion, has to come later. This will get more complicated and tangled as the layers come off and life in general just gets more complicated for everyone. It simply HAS to when we live and form connections among others as our lives march on, that is unless we sit brooding, watching it all from our caves. But sitting in the cave goes totally against the other (primal) want we have as social beings which is to “jump back into the world”. Those competing yearnings eventually force us to choose one path or the other—out into the world (feeling a little naked and uncomfortable from having spent a lot of time in the cave) or back into the cave where it’s familiar if not great. That’s the point when we’re forced to start doing the separating and untangling, taking healthy parts of the “old” us and retrofitting ourselves, in a healthier, more workable way, into a new way of approaching life with others, gently, carefully retrofitting ourselves back into that world with some new boundaries.

Sure, we can lose weight and continue to do life from the cave, that’s more and more possible with the help of computers which can aid us in that quest. But that isn’t what most of us really want.

Keep on leading with the diet, keep reporting, keep your thread going. And keep working with a therapist as much as you can too, especially one that works helping you gently change your behavior(s). Your weight loss results are just great kiddo.

Adele (143 this morning)
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168/140, Size 16/8
Lowcarbing 9+ years
Maintaining at goal 6+ years
Moderator/Owner
adele@leadwiththediet.com

I have been rejected before for my controlling ways, they have caused me lots of problems. I get the cost of being that way. I don't really know how to be any different, and I have a big FEAR of just letting go. For me I feel like just laying down and accepting everything that life throws at me would be like dying.

I've always gotten what I want in life through ambition, will, drive, research, etc. I know that relationship dynamics are not really helped by any of these things, which is probably why I do so poorly in my relationships. I've always been very brutally honest, and felt like if something affected me, even if it was something someone else was doing that I had to speak up and stand up for myself.

I really have a hard time distinguishing when it's time to be calm and accepting and when it's time to push back, so I do more of the latter because it feels like I'm being in action. What you told me about being controlling and intensity, that made some sense to me. It's kind of like I can speak up for myself, but not make demands. I'm about as subtle as a bull in a china shop when it comes to asking for what I need. I'm hopelessly lost when people talk about self-acceptance.

I see life as a process.. I'm constantly striving to better myself, but at the same time I accept who I am and where I am now, or do I? It seems like the two are mutually exclusive sometimes, but I like to think that's how I feel anyway.

I am going to bite my tongue because you are doing VERY well with the diet, you absolutely ARE leading with a clean, vegetable rich diet, and that diet is taking you where it should, right now. That’s just terrific, in my opinion, that’s the SOLID foundation you need to slowly begin babystepping through all the rest of the work.

I never thought that getting in control of my food choices would make my life so complicated but it has.. it has fundamentally changed who I am. I never thought I could do this.. I thought I was doomed, and now that I'm doing it, I'm SURE I will continue, and it makes everything else in my life (meaning most of my accomplisments) seem mediocre in comparison to being where I am in this journey now, after 12 years of confusion.

That’s the point when we’re forced to start doing the separating and untangling, taking healthy parts of the "old" us and retrofitting ourselves, in a healthier, more workable way, into a new way of approaching life with others, gently, carefully retrofitting ourselves back into that world with some new boundaries.

I've never been much of a cave-dweller (other than my diet) so I am definitely out there feeling and experiencing and growing. Problem is I'm hopelessly lost and clueless on so many of these emotional things.. no matter how I try, I can't imagine or experience CALM (other than the beautiful CALM that now eminates from my diet) .. it's like I'm obsessed with all my goals and desires and I just can't stop working on them for one minute.. or is that part of my control issues too?

Maybe it's because I'm just trying to do everything I can to control the present so that the future goes the way I want it to.. but I can't even imagine giving up control.. that would be like telling me to jump in a tank full of hungry great whites (my biggest physical fear) with some bloody meat strapped to my chest. I wish I could understand those that have a balance.. I pray that I will one day.

----------
Luv,
Debby
San Jose, CA
HW: 380
CW: 293
GW: 150
Fitday (since 2/9/06): Debby's Fitday Journal
LWTD fully since 10/11/05 (after 4-6 months of babysteps)
QUOTE: Today is the most important day.

Last Edited DebbyHudson on 23-May-2006 3:11 PM

today I hit a milestone - 100 pounds lost (a whole century). Adele has been asking me to update on the board, but I got busy for a while and wasn't able to.

Luv,
Debby
San Jose, CA
HW: 380
CW: 280
GW: 150

Well it’s been a few weeks now Debby, isn’t it time for another update?

Adele (140 this morning)
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168/140, Size 16/8
Lowcarbing 9+ years
Maintaining at goal 6+ years
Moderator/Owner
adele@leadwiththediet.com

Well this is what happened. Last wednesday, after a highly stressful fourth of July holiday with my MIL where I finally broke down and realized I just can't deal with her anymore, I must have just been completely overwhelmed and it manifested physically.

I got my first migraine, and I spent three days in horrible pain not able to get out of bed and vomiting. I went to the emergency room wednesday night because the pain was so bad I was crying and I wanted a pain killer shot. I went to the doctor again on friday evening for another shot because I was still in pain.

The pain finally started going away on saturday but I was really weak and shaky and everything turned my stomach. I couldn't bring myself to eat my normal food. I was standing in the fridge literally SHAKING with hunger trying to figure out what I could eat that wouldn't turn my stomach and I could get in my stomach FAST without having to have energy to cook.

My MIL left behind a bunch of BBQ'd hot dogs and chicken from the holiday, and I started eating that. I also ate some strawberries and some almond butter. Nothing I ate wasn't low carb, but it wasn't GS either.

I ate a bunch of mayo too with the chicken. I was SOOO Hungry!! Then the cravings started hitting me really bad. I immediately got some yeast symptoms and cravings like a heroin addict.

I had bought my husband a snickers cake the week before, and went to serve him a piece. Since being on GS I could pretty much serve him any food without being bothered. But as I went to give him his cake, it took EVERYTHING in me not to allow myself to eat a slice. I can't describe how bad I wanted that cake.

I kept thinking of how hungry I was, the pain I went through with the headache and how I deserved some comfort. But then I thought about how I fell off GS, but I had not at that point fallen off of low carb, and I wasn't going to allow myself to do that.

I've worked too hard, I know better than to just think I'm going to have one slice of cake and that's going to be it. I knew that the further I strayed from GS, the harder it was going to be to get back the beautiful peace I've gotten.

So I did not eat the cake, but it was HARD!!!! Even just eating normal low carb brought back cravings for me. I know out of the things I ate, that the strawberries were the biggest culprit for the cravings. I couldn't stop eating them until the basket was gone!

So then on sunday I felt much better, and was able to eat my normal GS foods. I was grateful that the low carb binge was only one day long. But then I was hit with another big problem.

My sleeping schedule was totally off kilter from being in bed for three days. So on monday, tuesday and wednesday of this week I woke up so late I was unable to cook my food in the morning.

My alarm clock did not wake me up, because I was so tired I sleepwalked across the other side of the room and shut it off! So because I wasn't able to cook my own food, and had no back up food, I had to do the best I could in the work cafeteria.

By tuesday evening, after two days of not being waken up by my alarm clock, I went out and bought a new one, and wednesday morning still had the same problem!

So last night I took three melatonin pills (natural hormone to help you sleep) so I could go to sleep early and get enough sleep, as the insomnia was taking over my life.

I was in bed by 11pm and woke up just fine this morning. Cooked my food as usual, went to the gym, and feel confident that I am back on track. I also know now that I need to have some meals in the freezer for emergencies such as this.

Up to this point I thought emergencies would be someone else being sick, I didn't plan for ME getting sick! Also I think the whole migraine thing started because I pulled a muscle in my back, and took a week and a half off of exercising to give my back time to heal.

I think that the exercise was a huge stress reliever for me, and I was unable to deal with my MIL without my stress reliever.

I don't know what I will do next time I injure myself and need time off, but I know what to expect now. The melatonin helped greatly because not only did it help me sleep without the side effects of narcotics, but it really helped me relax. I'm back on track but learned a lot from this experience and I think it all happened for a reason.

My weight is still what it was in the beginning because I lost 5 pounds in the three days I didn't eat, but then put it back on with non GS food and water retention so no net loss or gain. My weight lifting abilities have greatly suffered and I felt very weak when I lifted weights today.

I thank God that I didn't go any further down that path and have cake because it would have been so easy to bargain that I already screwed up, might as well screw up even worse.

But I can no longer fool myself with that thinking.. I know it's not true anymore, and I know as an addict I must abstain at all times. There are no breaks, no holidays, no excuses.

The most important thing I learned from this experience is how important my structure, routine, and plans are to managing my crazy life, and how important it is to have a back up plan, because dealing with my life without a routine is not possible and leads me to break down.

Luv,
Debby
San Jose, CA
HW: 380
CW: 280
GW: 150
Fitday (since 2/9/06): Debby's Fitday Journal
LWTD fully since 10/11/05 (after 4-6 months of babysteps)
QUOTE: Today is the most important day.

It will probably take several months for you to feel as clear and steady as you did before. Keep yourself accountable here, okay?

Adele (138 this morning)
----------
168/140, Size 16/8
Lowcarbing 9+ years
Maintaining at goal 6+ years
Moderator/Owner
adele@leadwiththediet.com

Luv,
Debby
San Jose, CA
HW: 380
CW: 278
GW: 150
Fitday (since 2/9/06): Debby's Fitday Journal
LWTD fully since 10/11/05 (after 4-6 months of babysteps)
QUOTE: Today is the most important day.

Like you, Eileen and Rani were reticent about telling me what had happened, what they were doing. You guys worry a lot about my feelings, or is it my wrath? (grin). I guess I hope that’s because you know I will say out loud here what your addicted-behaving self would rather not hear, what I didn’t used to want acknowledge about my own food choices? That acknowledgement to ourselves is what helps us make simple but real changes in how we behave with food (our drug) in our world.

After all our researching, all our “trying”—to help ourselves AND others (through so-called support groups), after all our overthinking and discussion, and being good little “girl scouts” to others, none of that can change that what we do, day after month after year, IS our truth. Sadly, some—maybe most—of us have spent our whole adult lives (over)doing all those things in order to avoid DOING what we know is better for ourselves (and I didn’t use the word BEST for a reason).

I try to observe, in a detached way as humanly possible, and report back what I see. I know that my former pattern (of 25-30 years) was to keep secrets from myself about what I was really doing, to NOT acknowledge my addictive eating truths. Every time I waggled off a diet, I went into sort of a trance—off-track eating didn’t “count” in that trance.

I’m not disappointed in you. I think so far you’re doing a remarkable job on this path. A big challenge of my own growing-up journey with this has been learning to not hinge correlate so much of my own feelings of self-worth on the affect(s) (positive OR negative) I might have on others.

I see that you and Mary each did a big, “first” test, a test of both your planning skills and you’re your feelings management (with addictive eating patterns, those two areas of our life overlap in an unhealthy tangle.) I’m not cured, only a bit ahead of you on the recovery path. As such I can really relate, especially to your struggle with the feelings. I still WANT to control people, especially my immediate family members (for their own good, of course, LOL) to somehow MAKE them do what is “the best” for themselves (which will, by association, validate me?)

But I am learning that I can’t do that. And in an instance like your MIL, I used to go a little ballistic when I couldn’t, and of course I used to shove down all the internal frustration that caused me with trance-food.

You and Mary both tested “within bounds”. You didn’t let any sugar or grains back in, you didn’t FULLY go into any trance, see? There was some line (albeit shaky and “imaginary”) that you both held yourselves to.

I certainly have not been PERFECT gold standard, I don’t have an unsullied record like that to keep; honestly I don’t think I could have made it this far if I had. That’s building a tall, shaky house of cards.
For instance, I still VERY occasionally eat some berries (I tested those in a big way about a year ago, came to the same conclusion, I will slowly go crazy and within a week I’m bingeing on them.) I probably purchase 1-2 diet soft drinks a year (it still tastes like chemical soup, I can never finish them.) I had a little processed meat just yesterday at a restaurant in a salad, for example. The menu said it was bacon on the salad (that I’d already ordered without cheese and croutons, but it sure seemed more like ham to me. I also ate about 6 grape tomatoes that were in that salad even though my body is not crazy about tomatoes. There have been some quiet, gentle little changes in my diet and food approach, all brought about in large part by “testing” in these situations.

The best I can offer is “be careful.” The earlier we are on the path, the more dangerous “testing” can be, especially until we’ve established a strong understanding and appreciation for the physical and emotional foundation that leading with a cleaner, more careful diet really affords us. Addicts have this internal predisposition for all-or-nothing thinking/behaving. A test can turn into a bargain, can turn into “oh what the hell, I might as well.”

This is a long long learning journey and part of that is learning to go just a little off track (accidentally or on purpose), and then “recovering” from that in a mindful, gentle way. That’s testing. Testing is sometimes hard to separate, especially at first, with BARGAINING.

Go gently and slowly, and then FULLY let yourself feel what the testing did to your whole body and to your mind. The challenge now is to not let yourself, not let the dragon, talk you into a trance. “See, you recovered from that okay, that wasn’t really so bad.”

It also think it might help for you to think and expound sometime later, maybe in your next post, about what you reported from your experience with the momentary cheerleading here. It doesn’t sound like that was a central reason for your testing experience, but I do think that it might be helpful or at least interesting to explore how the reactions of others to this whole loss and then retrofitting process IS at times surprisingly unnerving to us. Unnerved = uncomfortable. Sure seems to me that for us (addicts), this is as much about learning to be comfortable with BEING uncomfortable as it is about the food we eat.

Adele (140 this morning)
----------
168/140, Size 16/8
Lowcarbing 9+ years
Maintaining at goal 6+ years
Moderator/Owner
adele@leadwiththediet.com

So here's my update... sorry I took so long to write this. So as you know, I had a relapse in my eating plan. That relapse sent me into a tail spin for a few weeks. I had several events that happened where I did not have food prepared in those two weeks. I did not have a back up plan so I did not stay GS although I did stay low carb that whole time.

Besides the low carb binge day after my three day long migraine, I struggled with my sleep and woke up very late three days in a row after that and wasn't able to do my usual preparation of food in the morning. So I ate what ever what was at hand that I could manage to make low carb. That sunday I also had a picnic I had to rush to and also just ate low carb.

Your suggestions have helped me in that area immensely. Now on the days I am having trouble sleeping at night I cook my food the night before. I also realized (DUH - don't know why I didn't think of this myself) that I can VERY quickly scramble a bunch of eggs if I'm in a huge rush.

While I don't care much for eggs, I will eat them in a pinch. So I keep a dozen eggs in the house at all times just for emergencies. I also cooked a large portion of cubed chicken and green beans which I have in my freezer which I can grab in case of emergency. My usual food preparation time takes 35-45 minutes so I realize that it's important that I have some food prepared which only takes minutes for those days I am in a huge rush. Having a back-up plan in place makes me feel a lot more secure.

In my case I didn't go off of GS because I wanted to eat non-GS things per-se, but it was because I was so ill and unable to prepare anything in my weakened and very hungry state, and then also because I had no back up plan for when my usual routine fell through. So to make sure that I have some things prepared in advanced in case I should ever be so incapacitated again takes a big load off of my mind.

I also am setting two alarm clocks now to wake up, because it's a lot harder to sleep through two alarms than one. On the nights where my insomnia is particularly bad I am taking melatonin which helps. I'm struggling to fit exercise in my schedule, mostly because of my erratic sleep schedule. I prefer to go in the morning but many times I can't sleep at night and have a hard time waking up early enough to get my workout done before work.

In a pinch I workout at night but find this makes my insomnia much worse. But I do workout in the night if I have to because it's better than going yet another day without a workout. My eating is back to it's usual peaceful schedule and I feel at peace again.. thanks God! It's been several weeks now and I feel like I'm back on track and have a safety net in place. My struggle started on July 5th (first day of migraine) with three days without food and I was able to get fully back on track on July 17th so about 25 days back on GS now.

I'm still having lots of struggles with my MIL and that's an ongoing saga. If it was up to me I'd cut her off completely and be done with it, but my husband does not want to do that. He has agreed to limit time with her and set some firm boundaries with her but that doesn't lessen my anxiety over the situation very much. I have stopped calling her and did not talk to her for three weeks.

I used to call her every day telling her stories about my son so my abrupt change of usual behavior has let her know something is wrong. She has been calling me and I have been ignoring her calls. Unfortunately I did answer the phone one day after three weeks as my caller ID did not work properly and catch her number. She was trying to invite herself over and I keep having to make excuses about why she can't. I'm not comfortable with dishonesty at all and I find making up excuses very stressfull. I can't be honest with her as she will create some drama for sure.

She will cry, tell everyone I am evil, manipulate and guilt trip me and all sorts of things my non-manipulative mind can't fathom. She called twice this weekend and I have not returned her phone call. I know the boundaries my husband and I have set will make her very uncomfortable to be around. We have decided she is not allowed to feed my son, and she is not allowed to be in a room alone with him or spend the night at our house.

I know it would be better if we went to her house instead so we could control when we come and go but I just flat out don't want to be around her period.. in my house or hers. But I know she is going to keep on insisting that she wants to spend time with her grandson. I need a good long break from her. Unfortunately there seems to be no easy way to fix this situation.

I had decided I was going to keep on being busy and having appointments and having excuses why she couldn't feed my son. It sounded like a plan I could stick with and it sounded easy. But actually executing the plan is WAY harder than I thought and is making me very anxious. She is a far better liar than I am and I am constantly having to catch myself with my lies.

My birthday is on the 18th and I am throwing a party for myself like I usually do on the 20th. I don't want my MIL to go. So I told her I'm not throwing a party. She asked what I was doing and I said I'm probably going to go to a spa and DH is going to watch our son. She said oh I can come over and keep him company. Ugh!

So then I was stressed out trying to think of some reason I can tell her not to come over and spent hours thinking up excuses. DH and I finally decided that he would tell her that I want to spend my birthday with my husband and son ALONE. But still I am lying so much to her that I can't handle it.

I gave up lying a long time ago and now I find that lies actually cause me anxiety, so I am going to have to find some other way to deal with this whole mess. I'm seeing my therapist on thurs and plan to ask for her advice. The situation with my MIL has caused further strain in my already rocky marriage.

I apologize for going on and on about this, but I feel this stress effects my weight and my ability to handle my routine and my life. My job is great, I've been having a great time with my son and have been a really good mommy lately taking him out a lot of places (a water park on saturday and a regular park on sunday) and even reading to him.

My weight loss is going well, I adore my friends, I love my house and my car.. pretty much the only problems I have right now that are really affecting my enjoyment of everything else that is awesome in my life is my insomnia and my MIL and husband. So I appreciate any insight on this. I wish I could say "that doesn't work for me" with my MIL but she does not respect my boundaries so it wouldn't matter what i said didn't work for me, she'd do her sneaky crap anyway. If I cut her off my husband will be furious with me.. so I feel no matter what I do I lose.

Luv,
Debby
San Jose, CA
HW: 380
CW: 273
GW: 150
Fitday (since 2/9/06): Debby's Fitday Journal
LWTD fully since 10/11/05 (after 4-6 months of babysteps)
QUOTE: Today is the most important day.

Those are some pretty major “onlies” Debby.

The little insight I can offer is to keep eating right (because none of those onlies will be helped by you eating wrong) and to keep working hard with your therapist, hopefully with your husband going at least some of the time too. You have a lot of stuff to sort out.

I wish I could say "that doesn't work for me" with my MIL but she does not respect my boundaries so it wouldn't matter what i said didn't work for me, she'd do her sneaky crap anyway. If I cut her off my husband will be furious with me.. so I feel no matter what I do I lose.

I thought you said you and your husband have agreed NOT to cut her off, but to enforce firm limits on her visits? Unless she’s a criminal it’s unrealistic to expect that that you’ll be able to totally cut your MIL out of your husband’s and your son’s life. Beware of your addict’s all-or-nothing control tendencies here.) It's not about anybody winning or losing Debby. It's about family and finding balances.

Is there any reason why you can’t tell her that you and your husband are in counseling right now and that as part of that the two of you have decided it’s best to limit contact with her to once a month for, say, a 3-hour visit as part of learning and working toward being a more healthy functioning family yourselves? (Of course, for many reasons it would be best if your husband had this conversation with her. She is HIS mother, the one to set most limits on her should be him.)

I can honestly understand how you trying to keep her away from the grandson she adores would make her crazy and a little desperate. Is there some reason why you can’t decide when and where you’ll see her next and go ahead and set that up? Wouldn’t that settle you both down a bit?

Adele (141 this morning)
----------
168/140, Size 16/8
Lowcarbing 9+ years
Maintaining at goal 6+ years
Moderator/Owner
adele@leadwiththediet.com

Sigh.. yes I know. :) But my life used to be a lot worse with problems with landlords, boyfriends and jobs all at once, etc. so I try to keep things in perspective.

The little insight I can offer is to keep eating right (because none of those onlies will be helped by you eating wrong) and to keep working hard with your therapist, hopefully with your husband going at least some of the time too. You have a lot of stuff to sort out.

I definitely plan on doing that. I'm starting to notice that my husband seems more and more uncomfortable with the way I eat the longer I stick with it with no signs of cheating like I have in the past and good weight loss results.

He's made some minor comments about my diet being stupid and unhealthy, but it's a lot of just little stuff that adds up that I can tell he wishes I were eating junk with him so he'd have company in his gluttony. I'm starting to get to that part in your essays where other people are uncomfortable.

I thought you said you and your husband have agreed NOT to cut her off, but to enforce firm limits on her visits? Unless she’s a criminal it’s unrealistic to expect that you’ll be able to totally cut your MIL out of your husband’s and your son’s life. Beware of your addict’s all-or-nothing control tendencies here.) It's not about anybody winning or losing Debby. It's about family and finding balances.

We did agree on that. I'm getting physical anxiety symptoms just *thinking* about her at this point, and I feel I have to do something. Because she is extremely manipulative so when I tell her no she continues to push. It's especially anxiety provoking when my "no" is some lie I have made up and she keeps trying to find a way around it and I am worrying that I will be exposed as a liar at any time.

I can't handle the lying and excuse making. She has been calling and I haven't been answering her calls. So she knows something is up, which makes me more anxious because I have to think of some excuse why I didn't call back, wonder if she will retaliate and do something crappy to me, etc. I feel strongly I need a break from her right now.

Is there any reason why you can’t tell her that you and your husband are in counseling right now and that as part of that the two of you have decided it’s best to limit contact with her to once a month for, say, a 3-hour visit as part of learning and working toward being a more healthy functioning family yourselves? (Of course, for many reasons it would be best if your husband had this conversation with her. She is HIS mother, the one to set most limits on her should be him.)

That's a thought. But she would pressure and ask why we need to limit, she would guilt trip us about any limitations, etc. This is a woman who has a screw loose.. she is unpredictable in her behavior. To give you an idea of how she is, she was once at a picnic with some friends who were vegetarian. Her vegetarian friends had two kids that they also raised as vegetarian. My MIL snuck the kids regular hot dogs instead of vegetarian hot dogs just for a laugh.

I have already caught her numerous times giving my son things she *knows* he is not supposed to have. This last time it was a pez candy and a chip.. and she managed to manipulate her way out of the whole situation. Not only does she know how strongly I am against him eating such things, these items were choking hazards for my son as he has not yet mastered eating solid foods!

I can honestly understand how you trying to keep her away from the grandson she adores would make her crazy and a little desperate. Is there some reason why you can’t decide when and where you’ll see her next and go ahead and set that up? Wouldn’t that settle you both down a bit?

We agreed that the next time we would see her would be for my son's birthday in October. But she is pressuring us from both sides to come over before then. Believe me I *never* wanted to keep my son away from his grandmother.

My husband is an only child, my brother and I aren't close at all, my father lives in another country and my mom is not in to my son at all. Really my MIL is all he has outside of me and my husband. So I put up with a LOT of crap just because of that.

But at this point my trust in her is SOOO low that I literally feel I won't be able to turn my back on her for her entire visit. She lives two hours away so I already know she will give us a lot of crap about such a long drive for such a short time.

All I know is that I am feeling intense anxiety and constantly on edge with this situation. I would feel better if she weren't calling me and putting me in a position to have to ignore her calls or make it more obvious that I want nothing to do with her. I do not want to fight about this and have the usual drama.

I have marriage counseling tomorrow so I will make sure to bring this up first thing. Last session two weeks ago I really wanted to talk about it, but the therapist directed us to tell her more about our background and the whole session was taken up talking about that.

Luv,
Debby
San Jose, CA
HW: 380
CW: 272
GW: 150
Fitday (since 2/9/06): Debby's Fitday Journal
LWTD fully since 10/11/05 (after 4-6 months of babysteps)
QUOTE: Today is the most important day.

Last Edited DebbyHudson on 9-Aug-2006 2:48 PM

I spent a good deal of time going over "what ifs" until I felt satisfied that I knew how to deal with the her a little better. I feel more prepared to back up my choices now.

Luv,
Debby
San Jose, CA
HW: 380
CW: 271
GW: 150
Fitday (since 2/9/06): Debby's Fitday Journal
LWTD fully since 10/11/05 (after 4-6 months of babysteps)
QUOTE: Today is the most important day.

No big deal but a little bit irritating. Sometimes I bounce up a pound or two here and there, but it almost always comes off by the next day.

I went about my day and didn't worry about it. I kind of had a hard day (marriage problems) and went to the gym to take out my frustrations on the elliptical.

I ended up having a lot of frustration to get out and worked out so hard sweat was just majorly dripping off of me.

The next day (saturday) I woke up another 2 pounds heavier. So three pounds at this point, and I'm wondering what the heck is going on, especially after my major workout the night before.

There were several possible causes but I wasn't sure which was the right one. I was under some stress and feeling down, and I had eaten pork which is unusual for me as I usually do beef day in and day out.

Also I wasn't too dilligent with my water consumption or sleeping. Also could have been my muscles retaining water.

So I'm gaining weight but have no idea where to start, and I'm starting to get concerned. So I decided to drink lots of water hoping it was a lack of water out of all the possible causes. Also I go to sleep early.

So saturday I drank water like a fish and Sunday I woke up another 2 pounds heavier! ARgh! So 5 pounds in three days and I'm not doing anything different with my diet.

Sunday I was really down in the dumps but I did not use that as an excuse to eat off plan. I know that doesn't help.

But still something inside me said it's still a lack of water. So again Sunday I drank water like a fish every chance I got and yesterday woke up with 4 of the 5 pounds gone.

I still had an extra pound there so again yesterday I drank water like a fish and woke up today 3 pounds lighter, so a net loss of 2 pounds.

So I guess what I've learned from this experience is that if I'm seeing small bounces in my weight (which is another great reason to always weigh daily) I need to calm down, analyze them and take action.

It would be tempting to let the frustration get the better of me and just go off the diet completely. What the hell, I'm doing everything right and gaining!

But I know that road leads to misery and I'm not going down that path. In this case I must have been very dehydrated as I was carrying an uncomfortable 7 pounds of extra water around.

I'm also reminded in a big way how crucial water is to my weight loss. Last friday I hit 10 months on GS, with a few slips around fourth of July but otherwise 100% abstinence (only GS foods, not even a taste of nuts, etc.)

When I started on GS fully I was 366 pounds (after losing 14 pounds weaning on to the diet after several months) in October of last year. So I've lost nearly 100 pounds in 11 months. 111 pounds over all. It's so worth it!

Luv,
Debby
San Jose, CA
HW: 380
CW: 269
GW: 150
Fitday (since 2/9/06): Debby's Fitday Journal
LWTD fully since 10/11/05 (after 4-6 months of babysteps)
QUOTE: Today is the most important day.

Last Edited DebbyHudson on 15-Aug-2006 2:40 PM

(Responding to lady saying I'm positive) I'm not trying to be contrary here I promise.. just wanted to share with you and others how the experience is for me. Losing weight really doesn't feel positive most of the time to me. There are a lot of problems with losing weight, just as there are for gaining, in my experience.

Being able to eat what you want has it's benefits. It's more social and bonding with all the other people who eat that way. It's less expensive and easier to cook and more enjoyable.

But the drawbacks for me are obesity which has a whole slew of problems just associated with that and a general ill feeling and candida symptoms. But losing weight, you think that it's going to solve all of your problems and it doesn't.

In fact it creates a lot more. A lot of those problems I came into this knowing about and expecting. I do not expect this weight loss or the healthy choices I make to solve all my problems.

I guess since I have realistic expectations about this time (especially after having lost weight before only to be discouraged because my life wasn't perfect and gain it all back) because of my previous experience since I don't have high expectations I have nothing to be disappointed about.

This is good because there have been plenty of problems to deal with. I have a lot of over weight friends who are now seemingly uncomfortable around me. My husband is clearly uncomfortable with my weight loss.. it has increased his usual insecurity with me.

For many people, my rigidness with my diet makes me almost antisocial and a freak and many friends and family almost seem jealous at times. Some people wonder how I can do this and put me on a pedestal I don't belong on.

I have friends who have cheated on their diet or decided to eat fruit or yogurt (on low carb) after me sharing how those foods don't work for me, and they almost seem ashamed to tell me about their choices/actions, as if I'm some infallible human who will pass judgement on them.. like I haven't struggled all my life with this or as if I have any room to judge.

I've been there done that.. they are just like me as I used to be before my world came crashing down and I hit bottom. I have friends who have gained a lot of weight as I have lost and I now weigh less than them. In fact one of them is getting some of my old clothes that are too big.

I have one friend who is planning on weight loss surgery who I fear for and I watch my husband kill himself with food daily.. and I am scared for my mother.

My mom has been honest and come right out and said she was jealous, but she's still happy for me... which I can understand as I've felt the same way with others. Because I've done so well lately after 12 years of being on and off the wagon all the time, many people have no faith in me that I can do it this time.

I get more unwanted attention from men now, which I resent because I feel like they didn't want to know me when I was larger and I hate superficiality.

I often feel as if I have to be perfect and that other people are looking at me for inspiration and guidance. It's as if I'm supposed to say everything is marvelous and wonderful and the weight loss is the best thing in the world. But that's just not reality, or mine anyway.

It is hard every day, and I have to work on it every day. But I made a choice that I was going to do this, and put an end to the emotional/physical dieting roller coaster I've been on for 12 years. And to me, even though there are draw backs, I find the benefits outweigh the drawbacks when eating this way.

But most important of all I have a responsiblity to my son to model good eating habits and be healthy for him. So living up to this responsibility to myself and my son is about as fun and motivating as being good and sticking to a budget, and just as important.

There is no room for waggling because I am an addict, and I never waggle just a little bit. Accepting this truth about myself has made it so I am no longer able to justify, bargain or make excuses.

I find that being at such a low point and being so miserable was the best motivation I could have. It's like the drug addict who wakes up naked in the gutter.. it's a big wake up call.

I would love to be able to have just a little bite of this and that but I know I can't. That would be like an alcoholic saying I'd love to be able to have one tbsp of vodka per week.. it doesn't work when you are addicted.

BUT, what keeps me from having that one bite is being out of denial. I came to accept that I am an addict, to really look at myself and all the times that one little bite led to spiraling out of control and binges. There are some people who can do moderation, who can have just one bite and be done.

But I'm not one of them. When I truly accepted that I couldn't just have one bite without causing a big disaster, and really chose with all my heart not to go through that emotional/physical roller coaster again, that is when I felt that *this* time I would really be able to stick with this.

I no longer see food as a treat. Feeding myself cake is not treating myself well, it's treating my body like a garbage can because that's where the cake belongs. I know what happens when I eat cake.. all of the physical illness and the weight gain and emotional turmoil. I can't look at it and bargain or justify it any more.

Wouldn't it be great if I could be positive and motivating and say how great this all is? But my reality is not like that. It's not all wonderful.. it's damn hard and challenging and now I feel there is no turning back for me.

I have to deal with the drawbacks of losing weight or the drawbacks of going back where I was and neither option is exciting.. just a matter of the lesser of two evils. I guess the honeymoon is over.

Luv,
Debby
San Jose, CA
HW: 380
CW: 269
GW: 150
Fitday (since 2/9/06): Debby's Fitday Journal
LWTD fully since 10/11/05 (after 4-6 months of babysteps)
QUOTE: Today is the most important day.

When I started out my hips were 75 inches, and it sickened me to realize that I was bigger around than I am tall! As of the recent measurement, my hips are now 58 inches. Not small by any means but it is so nice to have the measurements to give me good news going in the right direction.

My waist is at 50 inches.. and I'm excited to see it go down. Today I went to buy a pack of cigarettes (I know.. it's bad, but it's part of the story) and the man at the counter *insisted* on seeing my ID, and the way he was serious about it I could tell he really thought I could possibly be under 18, even though I just turned 33. Irritating but flattering at the same time.. and I had to go out to my car to get my ID.

I wanted to share my challenges today, and how I got through them. But I wanted to first say what I learned from the experience (or I should say further cemented into my brain) which is that the most important thing for me is not to even have that first bite.

For 12 years I fooled myself, thinking one bite won't hurt, it's my birthday, every excuse in the book. And over and over again that one bite led me into trouble.

It's like an alcoholic having a tablespoon of vodka. Now that I've got it through my thick skull that I *can't* just have one bite, it has made life a lot simpler.

But it took me a *long* time to figure that out.. my addicted mind and body kept making seemingly logical reasons to cheat.

"It's not that bad for me"
"I'll get back on track tomorrow"
"I'll just have one bite"
"This candy *is* low carb after all"
"Yes it's processed but it's still protein!"
"But it's "
"So and so lost weight and still ate it"
"I'm going to be deprived and not be able to stick to this if I don't allow myself some treats"
"But I'm on my period and I want chocolate!"
"It's not faaaaiiir!" (in a whining inner voice)

I look at stuff, and I can't bring myself to bargain any more. I can't be in denial about the one "seemingly" harmless bite.

If I could share one thing that has helped me as a food addict the most, that is to really accept with everything I am that there is no holiday, no vacation, no occassion short of natural disaster which gives me a reason to even have one bite off of my plan.

Once I truly ran out of excuses to make for falling off the wagon once again after "one little bite" or just a little bit, I couldn't come up with any more.. I'm done.

So today I threw a birthday party for myself. There were 28 people who RSVP'd but only 20 came.

For the last few weeks I've been working my butt off to prepare for the party. I had to do a major cleaning in my house, then keep it clean when my son would throw everything on the floor, leaving a path of destruction where ever he went.

So it was constant work keeping ahead of him so that I wouldn't have to do massive cleaning on the day of the party.

Then there was preparing the menu, preparing prizes for the pictionary game, inviting people, making sure my MIL *didn't* come, etc.

It all boiled down to today. Today's party was very disappointing (totally anticlimactic), especially when compared to last year's party.

I throw a party every year, and last year was the best one ever. It was small but not too small (about a dozen people) and people had so much fun they stayed for 6 hours and I laughed until my belly ached and felt very special and loved.

Today, most of my good friends did not come, and it really hurt my feelings. Most of the people that were there were my husband's co-workers or the mother's of my son's friends, my mom and I had *one* single friend come.

A few friends said they were coming and didn't show. A few got wishy-washy at the last minute. One said he had to work the night before the party.

My "supposed" best friend said she was coming back from an out of town wedding and wouldn't be back until a little after the party started.

I told her she could come late, just come - and she never responded.. I got the feeling she was trying to make excuses. I've barely spoken to her since she married. In short, I felt more alone then I have in a long time.

To top that off, I did major cooking of yummy foods that I did not so much as taste. I cooked lasagna, garlic bread, spinach dip, artichoke dip.. several other dishes and had a huge spread.

I ate my normal food and did not think about it. But then when I finally accepted that my friends had flaked on me, I felt a hugely emotional pull towards the food.

I was not hungry, I did not feel any physical sensations, I just wanted to eat the food to numb myself from the pain. There weren't any smells tempting me or menstrual cycles or anything that would even provoke a physical response.

This is the first time since doing gold standard that I've been able to clearly distinguish physical cravings from emotional cravings.. these were purely emotional cravings.. it was as clear as can be for me.

I have severe blood sugar swings when eating off gold standard, and especially when eating off low carb, so there were *always* physical symptoms masking the emotional ones. Even when I was on low carb, the physical symptoms were there but just much less than off of low carb.

On GS they are nearly non-existant. Those constant physical symptoms made it very hard for me to accept that I am an emotional either.

But I can't be in denial about that anymore.. I was given the answer to that question in big bold sky writing today.

I felt hopeless, depressed and emotional, and I just wanted to inhale the food around me. But I closed my eyes, and told myself that the food would not make me feel better. I got rid of that excuse a long time ago.

For a few (very brief) moments, I considered sampling some of the low carb (but not gold standard by a long shot) dips that I made.

But I know that one bite will never be just one bite, so I did not have any. I could hear the devil on my shoulder trying to convince me it was low carb and it was OK, but I told him to shut the hell up.

Luv,
Debby
San Jose, CA
HW: 380
CW: 269
GW: 150
Fitday (since 2/9/06): Debby's Fitday Journal
LWTD fully since 10/11/05 (after 4-6 months of babysteps)
QUOTE: Today is the most important day.

Last Edited DebbyHudson on 20-Aug-2006 11:15 PM

Most days this is routine, easy and peaceful for me, but there are some days that are really challenging for me. Yesterday was a big challenge for me.

Lots of stress, emotional hurt, working my ass off for the party, and food temptations galore all around me, spent way too much money and was very disappointed.

So losing another pound today really helped to make me feel as if it was all worth it. I don't know what I'll do when I don't have that positive feedback from the scale anymore.. I'll keep plugging on and cross that bridge when I come to it.

Luv,
Debby
San Jose, CA
HW: 380
CW: 268
GW: 150
Fitday (since 2/9/06): Debby's Fitday Journal
LWTD fully since 10/11/05 (after 4-6 months of babysteps)
QUOTE: Today is the most important day.

For instance, I go to the gym (or try to) on a regular basis. There are many days I just don't want to go.

Visualizations help me get motivated on those days, and they help me through my workouts. One thing I visualize (don't laugh!) is Britney Spears body.

OK, I know it's cheesy, and Britney is certainly not an idol of mine, but I think she has a fantastic body.. curvy yet slender.

So I imagine in my mind what it would be like to have my abs be like hers, or my legs, or what have you.

The other thing I imagine is running and playing with ease with my son. I imagine we are playing a game of tag, and he is giggling with his oh-so-cute laugh, and I feel no pain.

I'll never look like Britney Spears (no I don't want to) but I can have a nice body like that and run with my son without pain, and imagining having those things keeps me going through a workout and gets me to the gym.

I do the same thing with food, but in that case I use negative visualizations. I think about how quickly the food will be eaten, and how long the repercussions will last.

I imagine waking up the next day and getting on the scale as I do daily, and seeing weight gain. I imagine feeling sick, being embarassed by my own weakness and feeling awful sugar cravings again.

I imagine being disappointed when my candida symptoms come back, and I get acne and itchy anus again. By the time I've thought of all that, the food just doesn't seem worth it.

I find that for me, when I forget my visualizations, let me fantasies and my imagination get stifled by routine, and do not think of the results in the long term, that (especially with getting to the gym) I start slacking off on things, and feel much less determined.

Luv,
Debby
San Jose, CA

Luv,
Debby
San Jose, CA
HW: 380
CW: 268
GW: 150
Fitday (since 2/9/06): Debby's Fitday Journal
LWTD fully since 10/11/05 (after 4-6 months of babysteps)
QUOTE: Today is the most important day.

The visualizations are a really good thing. I actually have a visualization audio exercise that guides you through those kinds of exercises, not only giving you the suggestive thoughts regarding seeing in my mind a healthier slimmer you, but suggestive thoughts about always wanting to eat healthy foods. It is like a reel running in my head. It suggests only wanting, desiring healthy foods and when you crave something, it suggests only healthy cravings. A mental trainer who makes motivational audio exercises for athletes to prepare for competitions, business people for presentations, relaxation exercises, stress relievers. quit smoking exercises and etc. made it and it works. I found his site and got the one on weight loss. Thanks for your post and good luck with the MIL.