After all these years what I do know is that I am definitely an addict and I have a different metabolism to other people. There are certain foods like sugar and grains that I simply cannot eat, no matter how hard I wish it were different. This is just how it is. I started low carb in July 2003 at a starting weight of 275lbs, after being quite ill with TB. At that time I was a committed vegetarian and had been for 17 years. For the first year I remained vegetarian eating mostly soya and dairy as my protein and although it was pretty boring, I was totally committed because for the first time in a very long time the weight started coming off. I lost about 100 pounds that first year and felt great. I then decided that since this had to be a way of life, I needed to start adding other protein and began adding flesh foods to my diet.

My strongest motivating factor for wanting to lose weight was that I had decided to pursue a passion that I had buried many years ago - that of becoming a ballet teacher. Who has ever seen a ballet teacher at 275 pounds! But I made the decision and nothing was going to stand in my way. What it did was got me to focus on the physical. For so many years I felt like a disembodied being, living outside of my body, never really seeing myself past my neck. It was time to come back into the body and become truly incarnated.

Since changing my diet I started to struggle with the program. I was probably eating a lot more than before and athough I kept my weight fairly stable, I stopped losing.
After many months I started losing motivation and started getting into the old destructive thought patterns of it's not fair, I also want to eat like a 'normal' person and although I never went back to real 'bad' carbs, I started adding things like fruit and yogurt and so called healthy 'sugar-free' things and erratic eating patterns. And I went straight back into full blown addiction - cravings, hunger, and uncontrollable weight gain. No matter how hard I wanted to stop I could not. I could not find the motivation or the courage to just say 'No More' despite the mounting fear of going all the way back from where I had come.

But now I have, although 25 pounds heavier. I am willing to take responsibilty for my actions and stop feeling like a victim. No one is making me do these things but me. So far it has been a week of clean eating, exercising (walking, dancing or cycling) almost every day and I feel like it is possible. I feel motivated again and I really want to be all that I can be. It is essential to my well being and to my career (I am now a registereed ballet teacher and have a studio with more than 60 students!). I am going to make it all the way this time.

I would really love support and encouragement along the way. This is an on-going journey and I know there will be difficult times up ahead, but I am sure that with the right motivation and support, I can get there. It is so encouraging to hear the stories of people who have walked the walk and are willing to serve as examples for those of us who follow. Many thanks to you all for sharing your stories with such honesty.

Laina

SW 275
CW 187
GW 130

Last Edited laina on 27-Mar-2006 1:30 PM

I enjoyed reading your story, and wow, you’ve come a long way, replete with all the doubling-back and forth so many of us have done for a long time (but alas that’s how a few of us eventually learn). It is especially interesting to me that you got down to the last 25-30 pounds and that’s when the going got REALLY tough, both physiologically and probably psychologically too—that would be my best guess as to why you ultimately retreated dietarily and now find yourself with steps to retrace. I am especially fascinated by what happens almost universally when we hit that “last layer” and the changes (both in diet and in our inner and outer selves) that this ends up effecting.

I’m also with Leigh in being impressed that you did not make successful to-goal weight loss a condition you had to fulfill (or hide behind) before moving on with your bigger life-dream. That takes unusual guts girl, the kind I admire tremendously, and the kind that will serve you well on this path too, if you will summon them again!

You ask for support and encouragement, that is what most people come to most lists seeking. While I think I can promise that no one here will purposely discourage or undermine you in this ongoing journey, I would caution you that as well intentioned (and popular!) as it is, I don’t think we addicts get what we most need from a lot of EXTERNAL support and encouragement; in fact I feel pretty strongly that effusive EXTERNAL support and encouragement ends up confusing and distracting addicts to a large extent.

Addicted eaters mostly need to develop skills of INTERNAL, SELF-support and SELF-encouragement along the way. We have to learn to get clear and focused about what we really want, about the realities and on-going choices (not always just food choices) of what that will require from us, about what we can do (and stop doing) to get that, and if we keep moving forward in that quieter, clearer way, finally we will discover that we need(ed) very little reliance on the approval and “support” of others, especially strangers, in getting there. In fact, I think you will find that part of the journey to long-term success involves learning to quietly abide some disturbing “support” from people who will, sometimes without meaning to, make you uncomfortable about your obvious success along with some surprising disapproval and spoken and unspoken discomfort of their own about your new “selfish” lifestyle choices. (But that’s because they are confusing self-loving, self-supporting, with self-serving. They are not the same.)

That’s just one of the reasons why we are adamant about our no cheerleading stance here—I want this to be a slower paced, quiet place, so we can hear ourselves speak and think and mindfully spur you into taking social and emotional risks when your body requires you to do so.

So welcome Laina. I hope you will keep us posted on your ongoing march to your “all the way” and to the surprising inner afterlife that achieving that will most likely take you.

Adele (142 this morning)
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168/140, Size 16/8
Lowcarbing 9+ years
Maintaining at goal 6+ years
Moderator/Owner
adele@leadwiththediet.com

Many thanks for your responses. One of the things I really learnt along the way is that us addicts are so good at putting off living until one day when... It's been my pattern all my life and it is a way that I have kept myself stuck in self-hatred and unkindness. I know that it is essentially what has to change in me and deciding to just do it anyway, follow the dream anyway, is one of the ways I have allowed myself to become accountable to me. I need to take care of me, do what will serve me best even though it often brings up lots of fear of not being good enough or what will people think. Geneen Roth calls it 'acting on your own behalf'. If we don't do it, who will?

When I think back to what happened both psychologically and physiologically when I got down to that last layer as you call it Adele, I realise that what I did not do was to lead with the diet. It did get difficult emotionally - many of the fears that I associate with being thin surfaced. I was willing to explore them but I allowed the strong foundation of just staying with the diet to crumble. Almost allowing myself a little comfort or what I thought was self nurturing. Like don't be so hard on yourself - it's OK. But it is never OK to go back into the food. What I uncovered was significant. All the times in my life that I reached goal weight or below (not that many) I got very close to dying (anorexia, cancer) or it was a very unhappy time in my life and somewhere in me there is the association of being thin equals being ill and unhappy. There has never been a happy thin time. Now that I am aware of it I really think it can be different. Once we bring things to the light, they somehow transform but I know that getting to goal will bring up hidden fears, emotions etc. What I do know this time is that one thing that is non-negotiable is the food.

I appreciate your comments on support and motivation Adele. I suppose what it really brings up for me is that for all these years I never reached out. I am very individualistic, capabable, independent etc (like most of us) and I think often to my own detriment. It has been very difficult for me to ask for help or even admit that I am struggling. The times that I have it has always been from a place of giving my power away - like 'please tell me what to do' and then after a while rebelling agaist the authority I set up to tell me, so it always been a very negative experience rather than a supportive one. I feel I would like an opportunity to just allow myself the experience of being together with others who perhaps are going through the same struggles, maybe having similar 'aha' momnents, sharings lessons that people have learnt along the way that I might benefit from.
I want to be open to learning and growing.

I have so enjoyed reading others stories, the essays and articles and I know that I am learning, which is so good for me. I also like the fact that there is no cheerleading here. I loved what you wrote when you said "I want this to be a slower paced, quiet place, so we can hear ourselves speak and think and mindfully spur you into taking social and emotional risks when your body requires you to do so."
It really resonates with me and I know I am in the right place.

Many thanks,
Laina

SW 275
CW 186 (Lost 7 pounds this week - very happy!)
GW 130

Last Edited laina on 30-Mar-2006 1:19 AM

Right, that’s what I finally figured out. It’s no more okay for me to go back to sugar or wheat or other crap food, even lowcarb crap food, even “occasionally” or as some kind of self-care comfort or “treat”, than it is for an alcoholic to go back to beer.

What I uncovered was significant. All the times in my life that I reached goal weight or below (not that many) I got very close to dying (anorexia, cancer) or it was a very unhappy time in my life and somewhere in me there is the association of being thin equals being ill and unhappy. There has never been a happy thin time. Now that I am aware of it I really think it can be different. Once we bring things to the light, they somehow transform but I know that getting to goal will bring up hidden fears, emotions etc. What I do know this time is that one thing that is non-negotiable is the food.

If you are ready and willing to approach it that way (and it does sound to me like you are Laina, you do seem clear on this), I think we'll be able to help you a little with the social and emotional retrofitting that you’ll need to start doing when you get there.

As a thin person you won’t, you CAN’T always be happy, or even comfortable. What the retrofitting time is about is learning to get comfortable with being uncomfortable instead of stuffing down the uncomfortableness, the awkwardness we all sometimes feel (addicts, I think, OVERfeel it). It’s the place when we either face our stuff, or stuff our face.

Keep plodding along with a clean diet Laina. I try not to get my hopes up (you know, control my feelings, wink), but wow you sound clear, you sound focused. I smell success wafting from your direction.

Adele (143 this morning)
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168/140, Size 16/8
Lowcarbing 9+ years
Maintaining at goal 6+ years
Moderator/Owner
adele@leadwiththediet.com

Adele, I have read with interest what you wrote to Leigh about her not eating enough. I think I may also not eat enough. For the past 2.5 years when following LC I have kept my carb intake at induction levels - about 20g of carbs. I must admit that I was one of the people that believed that only 2 cups of vegetables were allowed per day on Atkins. I love veggies and especially salads and am thrilled to find out I can eat more. I know that I am quite metabolically resistant from all the years of messing with my body, so I know that in order to burn ketones I have to eat very little carbs, but then I also only learned this week, that when you drink large amounts of water (I drink 12-14 glasses a day) often the ketone strips don't change colour. So maybe that's why and it is not the food. I have since decided to dump the ketone strips! I have been quite afraid of adding carbs so as not to halt the weight loss, because my past experience was that when I added carbs that is what happened. But now I realize that the carbs I added were the wrong ones - like nuts and bars. No wonder! (It's great to be learning these things. Can you believe that after all this time doing LC I have just discovered the Internet as a LC resource. And yes, I know that I must be very discerning *Grin*)

I have never really counted calories and I was so happy that I did not have to when doing LC. I have had a look at Fitday and I somehow feel some resistance to doing it. Perhaps it is because I live in South Africa and we use metric measurements and I don't feel very comfortable with the ozs etc, and also many of the products and brand names are not what we use. But perhaps it would be valuable to just try and calculate the calories and percentages I need to get an idea of what and how much I should be eating. I have searched the site to try to find the BMR calculator but to no avail. Could you perhaps walk me through that.
Something I have to be more diligent with is the planning and preparation of my meals (and maybe here is where Fitday can be useful). I am often rushing and if I have not done any pre-planning or cooking, it feels like there is nothing for me to eat and I feel deprived and hungry. Not good!

What I would ultimately love is to not be obsessed with what I am or am not eating and all the stuff around my body. I would love to get to the place where I just eat what I eat and then get on with living the rest of my life. Whenever I have thought about goal setting, the first thing that comes up for me is that I want to be free! Free of obsessing, free of compulsive thoughts and behaviors, free of the whole body/weight issue. I know that the issues around my body and me being an embodied being is my primary life lesson this time around and that I have to essentially learn to embrace what is. All the struggles around my body and weight have taught me invaluable lessons about myself and at the end of the day, I am really grateful for that.

Blessings,
Laina

275/186/130

Honest to gosh Laina, I came on here to start a new topic with a quiet little inner revelation I had last week. And then wow, I saw where you had posted this! My post directly addresses your post, so I’ll post it here instead. Probably the fastest response you’ll ever get here, lol.

I had an interesting experience last week about my former emotional self and my changed emotional self. Remember, I’m in my 10th year of this, a lot of you, I suspect, would think someone that far into this life approach would be way past this kind of stuff.

I had a long, late evening meeting at work. The meeting was with eight women, we were making decisions about how to divide $10,000 in scholarship money among 17 families with varyingly challenging financial situations. The total amount of aid requested was over $25,000. It was an intensely emotional exchange.

As I was driving home, physically and emotionally drained, it hit me. Not once during that meeting had I given a moment’s thought to my weight or my size, how I was bigger/smaller than anyone else in that room, how tight my pants felt, what I was going to eat later, what was in my refrigerator, what I could/would eat tomorrow, how I was going to have to CHANGE. I am now capable of staying totally focused on the matters at hand, even when it’s hard, emotional, and I am physically tired.

It’s not what I felt, it’s what I DIDN’T feel. My monkey-mind has quieted. That, my friends, is the bliss of this. I think that just might be what NORMAL feels like from the inside.

To feel “normal” I don’t eat “normal”, and you couldn’t pay me to change that.

Adele (142 this morning)
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168/140, Size 16/8
Lowcarbing 9+ years
Maintaining at goal 6+ years
Moderator/Owner
adele@leadwiththediet.com

I think a huge part of the puzzle is to stop resisting what is. (I love the work of Byron Katie.) As long as I am resisting the way things are, I will create suffering for myself. I think that has been a large part of my struggle with myself. When I can accept that this is how it is, these are the things I need to do and just surrender to that, it suddenly becomes so much easier. I stop fighting with myself. It's a kind of acceptance. I know that if I can practice this more and more, it creates a kind of spaciousness and a heightened awareness and this makes it difficult to act in an unconscious, compulsive way. From this space it is then so much easier to just get on with my life.

I have had experiences when I am totally absorbed in things I love doing, that I forget about body and weight and all of that. When I am choreographing, creating a ballet, teaching, then I get so involved in the creative process that I can even forget to eat for hours. Somehow then everything has a different perspective. But sadly to say, these times have been few and far between and my prayer is that they happen more and more and eventually become what I hope will be my 'normal'. And then of course the next step is to stay conscious even in the midst of the difficult, emotional, tiring, times too. Well done Adele, you inspire us all!

Laina

275/186/130

I know there will be many challenges this week, not only food wise but also emotionally because whenever I get together with other dance teachers, of course all my 'not good enough' patterns surface. Even thinking about it I get butterflies. I am going prepared and I will try and stay as present as possible. I need to keep reminding myself how far I have come and of all that I have achieved and hopefully I will feel confident enough to not only hold my own, but also to feel every bit as worthy of being there as any one else. These are the tests - real life at its best!

Much Love
Laina

275/186/130

The Dance Congress was great but I did not cope well at all. It was extremely challenging, tiring, emotionally taxing and I realize now that I was completely unprepared both food wise and emotionally. I thought I had made THE DECISION, but I was wrong. I am ashamed to say that I once again thought I could handle things and the old addict did her great bargaining number. I cannot believe that I could allow myself to go back into full blown addiction. It has been three weeks of hell, struggle and obsession. Although I want to say it is over for once and for all, I do not feel that clear place in me yet of the decision, despite the suffering. Why am I not willing?? When I re-read my previous posts I seemed so clear and now I feel like a fraud to have even written those things.

Adele, I read and re-read your comments to Leigh and they of course apply to me too. When will I grow up and just stop acting like a kid?

Once again these past few weeks I have been over thinking myself into oblivion. I know it comes down to just doing it! Stop rationalizing, stop thinking, stop reading, stop looking for a better way (I have even considered adopting a different diet plan because that would let me eat fruit or whatever.) Anything instead of just facing the facts of how it is and what it will take.

I want to be thin, I want to be free, I want to feel the peace, but I am still asking myself if I want it badly enough? Mary said you have to want this more than anything else in the world, putting this above everything else.

I feel like my brain is still fuzzy, not thinking clearly, although I have cleaned up my diet for about a week now. I really need to feel the decision inside of myself, but if it is not there it is not there. Perhaps for now what I need to do most is make a decision one day at a time and just do it and keep doing it. The longer I can be abstinent perhaps the easier it will get.

When I think back to when I started and of how motivated and committed I was, there was nothing that could shake my resolve. I don't have that right now and I don't know how to find it in me. I don't know what it will take. What I do know is that I don't want to live like this any longer. Maybe that's all it takes.

Laina

HW 275
CW 190
GW 130

I wish I had magic for you, I don’t. I suspect that you were merely naïve to think you could handle abstinent eating “on the road” after a VERY brief period of abstinence. That is a HUGE challenge, one that scared me to death the first few times I did it, after about a year of abstaining (and I didn't even CALL it abstaining then, lol). I actually refused to do it until I felt pushed into a corner (by my husband, who really wanted to take a trip) and I still don’t exactly LIKE to do it, but I CAN. Okay, so you made a mistake honey, that is how we learn. I believe it was Albert Einstein who said “Experience is not the best teacher, it is the only teacher.”

I do see that you’re facing the scale, putting it down and owning it. That’s good, don’t ever ever stop that. That’s how to stay out of denial big-time.

Also, when you say I feel like my brain is still fuzzy, not thinking clearly, although I have cleaned up my diet for about a week now that makes me want to know EXACTLY what you are eating. Are you pretty much trying to bargain yourself back onto clean lowcarb? In my opinion, someone at YOUR point in the journey cannot do that. This is not the time for THOSE kinds of babysteps. That will have you functioning about as effectively as an alcoholic trying to get by on a tablespoon of vodka a day.

On a separate thread, you asked about anti-candida. Someone in your position is more than ready, and I think it’s appropriate to make the commitment to gold standard eating. That’s no-bargain lowcarb that also happens to be anti-candida. E-mail me if you want to talk about your diet and let’s see if I can’t help you get your thinking straightened around in about 5-7 days, by leading with a careful diet that is likely to do that. Then we’ll come back here and let people know how it’s going.

Adele (141 this morning)
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168/140, Size 16/8
Lowcarbing 9+ years
Maintaining at goal 6+ years
Moderator/Owner
adele@leadwiththediet.com

It is still really difficult for me to accept that I will never be able to have certain foods, but I do know that I am an addict and that the teaspoon of vodka is never going to work for me. Not ever! And feeling the way I do now, I don't even want it. My desire to be the best I can be is growing with each day and the vision of my best self is once again becoming clearer. I had almost lost sight of that as I struggled through the fog. Now I feel like it is possible!

Laina

275/187/130

But generally, for where you are in the process right now, I'd just stay clean and natural, paleo lowcarb to get your brain/body more stabilized and in sync. I'll help you slowly and carefully tweak from that much more solid foundation.

Adele (142 this morning)
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168/140, Size 16/8
Lowcarbing 9+ years
Maintaining at goal 6+ years
Moderator/Owner
adele@leadwiththediet.com

I so well remember the stage you're at right now. Looking back now I can smile with joy because that is the place I discovered that awesome clarity and freedom.

For me it was a freedom to be happy and smile again. Foods sometimes do not affect me in terms of weight gain but in my attitude. I can eat something and I might not make me gain weight but it will turn my attitude sour and put me in a very very bad mood anywhere from an hour to a whole day!

I don't need to tell anyone on that list that living with the old jekyll/hyde me was no fun for my family.

Eating clean and clear gave me the freedom to be who I am. Not the crabby, cloudy minded, sourpuss I could be if I ate the wrong thing.

Have a great day everyone !

ConnieMS (157.5 today)
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244/156.5/157
Maintaining at goal for 4 years
conniems@leadwiththediet.com
www.conniems.com

It would be so much easier to be able to put my life on hold while I just 'do this', but the nature of my life is that I travel a lot. We go on extended overseas holidays, I go away to examine, I attend many seminars and conferences and as a result I am away from home often. This is my life and I need to learn how to do this while in the midst of living! It is challenging and demanding but there are no other options. The hardest thing I felt was not being able to have the tea and coffee in the social setting. I drank hot water and although it was OK, I felt quite deprived. I would like to know if there are any warm drink alternatives - herb teas for example that would fit into anti-yeast. Is there a list of acceptable and forbidden foods for the anti-yeast diet that I might look at, since I am only sort of going on what I have gleaned from this site.

It has been good for me to eat more food, since I still have the old diet mentality deeply ingrained that the only way to lose weight is to eat way less. The LC that worked for me before was pretty much based on that way of thinking - one or two meals of a whey protein shake plus one meal with some protein and two cups of veg. It got the weight off but I also recognize it is not a sustainable way to live and perhaps that was also why I could not maintain it. I love this idea of never being hungry and keeping the tank well fuelled with real good food. Presently I am eating three meals consisting of protein, veg and usually salad.
If I need something in between I choose a salad veg like cucumber and sometimes a slice of protein (turkey, chicken etc). Since we are moving into winter I would also like to look at some soup options. Any suggestions?

Adele, if you would like to suggest any dietary changes I am open to hearing them. I am currently not tracking ratios of protein, carbs and fats and I must say I feel resistance to having to weigh and measure everything I am eating. But I am willing to do what it takes. I want to be one of those who have reached goal and who are maintaining it - something I have never done. It is such an inspiration to read about all those who have lost huge amounts of weight and have re-claimed their lives again with passion and joy. You all give me hope and courage to just keep leading with the diet. Thank you.

Laina

(275/186/130)

I have been doing anti-yeast for two weeks now and I am amazed at how different I feel. The joint pains and swollen fingers and feet that have plagued me for years are gone! I always knew it was food related but could not work out what was doing it, despite cutting out all sorts of things. Last night we went out for dinner and I ordered a grilled sole basted with olive oil and a green salad. A half hour after eating it I started to get pain in my hands and knees. I realized that they had obviously added some spice/seasoning to the sole and that must have done it. Now I am so convinced that it is the yeast thing and that I need to keep my diet really clean to be pain free. I did some research on the Net about anti-yeast and have a better idea now. Also what amazes me is that I don't even miss the dairy. I thought I loved cheese but I can go without it really easily. I still would love a good cup of coffee though so I must have been more addicted to that than I thought!*Grin* That bothers me most about our impending trip to Europe, but it is still a month away and I need to just be here now!

Adele, could you please give me some guidelines as to good protein/fat/carb ratios for me. I would just like to check that I am not overdoing the protein. It feels like the weight is moving slowly and I know that one of the things I need to do is add more exercise. I move around a lot when I teach ballet but it is not really cardio or resistance, but rather more flexibility and strength. I also tell myself to just be gentle - I have made an awful lot of changes these past two weeks and I must allow myself to gently ease into things. I still recognize the child in me who wants miracles and magic - everything immediately! I keep reminding myself that this is it - there is nothing that is going to change anyway about how I am eating, it does not matter if I am losing or not or how fast. This is my new way of life.

Laina

275/185/130

Last Edited laina on 13-May-2006 2:03 AM

I have been doing anti-yeast for two weeks now and I am amazed at how different I feel. The joint pains and swollen fingers and feet that have plagued me for years are gone! I always knew it was food related but could not work out what was doing it, despite cutting out all sorts of things.

Ah, there’s the post I was looking for, lol. (I think I told you by e-mail that I was waiting for you to say this?)

Also what amazes me is that I don't even miss the dairy. I thought I loved cheese but I can go without it really easily.

Nobody WANTS to do anti-yeast, and of course not everybody needs to. But one thing is for sure, every time someone who would seem to benefit from it finally DOES finally screw up the wherewithal to do it, they are surprised that it wasn’t nearly as difficult as they expected. The health and mood rewards are very very worth it.

I still would love a good cup of coffee though so I must have been more addicted to that than I thought!*Grin*

Well Laina, just like giving up cream, I think you would find, if you were to merely wait it out, that you can learn to like, then eventually PREFER, black coffee. It took me a very long time, probably more than a year of drinking it black even though I WANTED cream, to get to the place where you couldn’t pay me to ruin a cup of coffee with cream now.

Adele, could you please give me some guidelines as to good protein/fat/carb ratios for me. I would just like to check that I am not overdoing the protein.

The rule of thumb for protein isn’t really a percentage, it’s a gram amount. If your ideal body weight is 130, then you should aim for at least half of that same number in grams of protein daily, but should not eat much more than that same number (in grams of protein). For your body, that means you should be eating at least 65 grams but not more than 130 grams of protein per day. Of course it’s not a crime to go slightly over that amount, I do see that bodies are like snowflakes, and that there is some individual variance, but one interesting thing I have observed is that what some people call a lot of protein, and what others call a lot of protein (or really ANY food) varies widely. This is a concrete starting place. I have seen some women who regularly consume more than twice the recommended daily amount of protein, and I have seen others consistently eat less than the minimum.

The easiest way to set a great diet day in advance is to first get your protein amount set, then fill in with as many veggies as you can. It helps to aim for at least 20-25 grams of fiber per day. Then add fat to come to just the right caloric amount, which IN MY OPINION is 200 calories plus your basal rate found at this site BMR Calculator That will sort of naturally make your fat intake be at least 55% of calories. From there, I’d tinker to get it to at least 60 to 65% if you can.

It feels like the weight is moving slowly and I know that one of the things I need to do is add more exercise. I move around a lot when I teach ballet but it is not really cardio or resistance, but rather more flexibility and strength. I also tell myself to just be gentle - I have made an awful lot of changes these past two weeks and I must allow myself to gently ease into things. I still recognize the child in me who wants miracles and magic - everything immediately! I keep reminding myself that this is it - there is nothing that is going to change anyway about how I am eating, it does not matter if I am losing or not or how fast. This is my new way of life.

Yes, it is important to be a certain kind of gentle and realistic with yourself. Not gentle in terms of loosey-goosey on the diet of course, but gentle/realistic with our expectations of results. Your body will do the best it can do if you fuel it carefully and consistently, and as you are seeing there is a kind of simple beauty in approaching it this way—to me it is the essence of leading with the diet. And yes, the last layer of weight loss, especially, will usually move very slowly, AND you will find that dietary infractions are “costly” in terms of progress. Just as a fr’instance, it took me 11 months to lose the last 10 pounds. Knowing what I know now, I could have probably cut that amount of time in half. My body can only lose about 2 pounds a month at this place. But eating this way it is almost impossible to gain more than 1 pound a month, so it all works out very nicely. That IS the “magic” of this.

I haven’t been to Europe, and I don’t know exactly where in Europe you are going, but I have a good friend who eats similarly to me who has, she hasn’t had a whole lot of problems, she finds Europeans generally eat a lot more naturally than we do. I have been on several long vacations (where it was too long and too far away to pack food), and although it is not my favorite thing to do, mainly due to the expense of eating like this in restaurants, I have managed pretty well on our three major vacations since I began eating this way. I usually come home weighing a pound or two less than when I left.

Also Laina, please remind me again in a week about your question about soups, and I’ll try to add my favorite soup recipe(s) to the recipe article on the site.

Adele (141 this morning)
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168/140, Size 16/8
Lowcarbing 9+ years
Maintaining at goal 6+ years
Moderator/Owner
adele@leadwiththediet.com

Last Edited Adele on 14-May-2006 6:39 PM

I have been following the eating plan to the letter and am still feeling great. However, the past 2 days I have been getting some swelling again in my fingers and a pain in my shoulder joint. I cannot identify what it is that might be causing this reaction and I wondered if anyone might have had a similar experience with a particular food sensitivity. It happened yesterday after I ate grilled chicken and veges and this evening again after I ate a grilled steak and salad. I first thought it might be the red meat, but then remembered that it also happened after the chicken meal. Could it perhaps be too much protein, although I am staying within my upper range?

Our trip to Europe will be two weeks in Austria (my husband is an Austrian) and then two weeks sailing in Croatia on a yacht. I will be fairly in control of my food on the yacht, although there will be meals in restaurants as well. Somehow I am not really worried about the food aspects because I am clear about what I can and cannot eat and I will be firm with our traveling companions as well. It is mostly the coffee shops (of which there are many and often) and the social meetings for coffee. I think I need to learn how to drink it black and bitter before I go! *grin*

More troubling though is a weekend away on the 9th June where I will be going to Kimberly to examine (2 plane rides across the country). I will be a guest of the ballet teacher there and she will be providing accommodation and meals. I plan to be very clear with her what I am able to eat and I will also take my own back up food. Usually it is a big deal to prepare meals for the examiner and we are usually plied with all sorts of goodies for teas and meals. I know that it will be most unusual for me to supply her with a list of acceptable foods but I cannot think of another way to do this. Challenges of living the life!

Laina

275/184/130

I made good on my promise to you to update the recipe article this week with some of my favorite soup recipes, also put my sausage recipes there.

Recipes

Adele (142 this morning)
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168/140, Size 16/8
Lowcarbing 9+ years
Maintaining at goal 6+ years
Moderator/Owner
adele@leadwiththediet.com

Last Edited Adele on 26-May-2006 11:42 AM

I also want to say how valuable I am finding the discussions on the board, particularly the ones about food specifics. Adele, in another thread you mentioned that tomatoes give you joint pains and a light went on for me thinking that maybe that is what could be doing it for me too. In the meals that have caused problems, tomatoes have been common. I will definitely cut them out and see what happens.

I love the quote you once mentioned that said that experience is not the best teacher, it is but the only teacher. This is about experimenting and finding out what works best. Thank heaven for all those that have gone before and have done the major footwork. We now can learn from their experience too.

Blessings
Laina

275/182/130

A friend sent me this wonderful piece of inspiration from a Starbucks coffee cup. It was really meaningful for me and I wanted to share it.

"The irony of commitment is that it's deeply liberating - in work, in play, in love. The act frees you from the tyranny of your internal critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade around like rational hesitation. To commit is to remove your head as the barrier to you life."
Anne Morris, a New York Starbucks customer

I would never have believed how much freedom there is in simply making the commitment and just doing it. I am so enjoying the simplicity of my choices and the ease it offers.

There have still been moments of inner bargaining, especially when it all seems to be moving so slowly and then I remember the 4 P's, especially patience and perseverence! I keep reminding myself to just hang in there and keep doing what I'm doing, simply because there is no other way and I know in my heart that it is working!

On a housekeeping note, I can no longer receive the entire post entitled 'Feelings'. It only downloads to 3 June and then stops. I have tried on numerous ocassions and would like to ask if it might be possible to divide it into two separate messages. Wondered if anyone else was experiencing the same difficulty.

Many thanks,
Laina

275/180/130

Something I did allow myself to have (which I am really sorry about now) was a diet soda. It has proven to me that I cannot allow myself any sweet taste, even artificial, because since then it feels like the dragon is stirring again. I have been struggling with cravings the last two days and although I have not given in, I hate feeling like this again. Today I have been eating more (meat and veggies) to try and feel satisfied, but it has not really helped. I really thought that the days of cravings were gone, but I suppose once an addict always an addict!

This weekend I was also drawn to buy some books written by recovering addicts (alcohol/drugs) because I felt like I could really relate to their stories (although the substances differ) and I know that I can learn from their experiences. More and more I am convinced that I am an addict and that the only thing that will ever work is the strictest abstinence - nothing else.

I am really feeling scared because we leave for our one month trip to Europe on Thursday and I am feeling quite shaky right now. Our holiday will be a very unstructured time which is always difficult for me and I was hoping to be really as strong as I have been these past two months. I know that I must be very strict with myself at this time and not allow anything that could jeopardize my abstinence, but even as I write this I have a lot of self doubts. I would appreciate any words of wisdom or encouragement that might support my highest good right now.

Thanks,
Laina

275/181/130

I am feeling much stronger and more positive today. The cravings have subsided and the dragon seems to have gone back to sleep! I am so grateful! We leave tomorrow for a month away and so I will not be back to the board until then. My intention is to keep doing what I am doing with no exceptions and hopefully return from holiday at the same weight or if miracles are possible, a few pounds down.

Adele, I love your cabbage recipe and I will keep it as a standby whenever in doubt. I feel like I can eat lots of it and it really is satisfying. The hardest thing I think I will struggle with is trying to get restaurant food prepared without spices or marinades, but I am not afraid to ask for what I want. I will stay mindful and focused.

The amazing thing is that although no one responded to my last post, (no cheerleading, I understand) I felt your support and encouragement and I take that with me.
Thank you all.

Laina

275/180/130

Yes, we have just got back from a great holiday. I am so happy to report that for the first time in my life I have come back from a holiday not hating myself. In fact it was really a miracle holiday for me. I was so clear about what I wanted for myself and I was not willing to compromise for anything or anybody. I made wise choices most of the time and if there was not really appropriate foods, I chose to eat too little rather than too much or the incorrect things. So on many days I know that my calories were way too low, but it was OK. By the last week however I began to feel the effects of not eating enough and I started to feel deprived. I began to allow myself coffee, a yogurt and the occasional artificial sweetener and things started to get a little shaky. I was so pleased to get home where I can be in my usual routine and also in charge of preparing my own food. What a relief. But I am so happy to report that despite the last few shaky days, I lost 5.5 pounds while on holiday. Miracle of miracles!

I am so happy to be back, on track and eating clean. I am still in the process of reading through all the posts and I see many new names on the board and the lovely familiar old ones. I look forward to learning from all the sharings.

Much Love,
Laina

275/174.5/130

That IS a big change, isn’t it Laina? And look what you got for setting these gentle but firm boundaries on yourself and others. Sure beats the old dance, right?

Just a word of caution, beware the urge, the intrusive thought, for a Relief Binge in the weeks following successful navigation through a challenge like you’ve just been through. That can rankle dragons, who are prone to whispering “hey now, you LOST weight on your vacation, even though you didn’t eat perfectly. You can relax a little now that you’re home safe.” I would say that stopping that behavior pattern was the last hurdle I had to jump. Maybe your mileage will vary.

I have said many times that addicts find quiet disquieting. There is a certain quiet when a holiday is over.

It’s nice to have you back. Keep us posted please and let’s see if we can’t watch you tackle that final layer. That usually takes some hard work.

Adele (140 this morning)
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168/140, Size 16/8
Lowcarbing 9+ years
Maintaining at goal 6+ years
Moderator/Owner
adele@leadwiththediet.com

I have been very conscious of the relief binge syndrome since returning home and what I have noticed is that I am so
very busy (catching up a month of back log and diving straight back into my work teaching) that I am actually finding it really easy to stay focused and clear about my food. The 'relaxing' happened on holiday for me where there was so much unstructured time. That is usually very difficult for me. I feel very happy and safe in a more
structured routine and it is certainly anything but 'quiet' right now. I also feel encouraged by the fact that my weight loss is steady at the moment and that is so motivating and encouraging.

I want to comment on a few things I have been reading.

Something I read on Sherry's thread really struck me even though I am sure it is something I must have read many times before. Adele you said that the reason for never eating below the BMR number is because that's when it is thought that the body's starvation response will begin to kick in and when the metabolism will slow. All of a sudden it makes perfect sense and I now understand why you and Mary often stress the importance of eating enough. I have had the tendency to want to try and do low carb plus low calorie at times, especially when the weight loss slows. So many years of diet mentality and conditioning. I now finally get it. Halleluja!

Adele, your last post to Debbie also really hit home for me. Your description of the addict and the behaviour patterns described me to a T! There was almost a feeling of being exposed since I have often thought that those are things about me that very few, if any, people would ever know. And here it is all out in the open. If I ever needed convincing (which I do not) of what an addicted, emotionally entangled eater I am, this is it!

I remember hearing a spiritual teacher once say that we all have hidden things that we think no-one knows about and that we live with the feeling that if anyone ever discovered those things about us, we would lose love or feel unloveable. So my deepest, hidden, worst thoughts about myself are out there and they are not even exclusively mine! What a revelation to know that despite all of that, I still feel loveable and it is a feeling from the inside and it does not need verification from anyone out there. This is a celebration.

I am ready to get this last layer off and I am willing to do whatever it will take!

Laina

275/171/130

Last Edited laina on 30-Jul-2006 1:22 PM

Here’s another thing I think is even more significant than the admittedly controversial “starvation response” theory, especially to emotionally entangled eaters, about that ubiquitous urge of ours to make this faster or more effective by lowcalorie-ing it. I believe this (unwittingly) begins a process of building a “hunger deficit.” Even IF low calorie-ing works for a short time (and very often it will seem to work quite well), over time that hunger deficit will compound, not unlike the balance on a credit card when we only make the minimum payment. Also in this context, “a short time” can last several years. Just like it can take a while to get into deep financial trouble by (mis)using credit cards, this deficit can take some time to build. But no matter how long it takes, eventually the “return” (ie, weight loss) for behaving so unwisely and unreasonably “perfectly” diminishes UNTIL the addict just can’t take it anymore. (There are those words PERFECT and UNTIL word in our addictive pattern, see?).

I now believe this is what happened to me TWICE, in my two previous weight loss “successes” (that turned to failure when I regained). Both times my diet was FAIRLY clean, relatively low in carbs, but low in calories (1,200-1,500 per day). Both times something emotional came up (same thing, both times, interestingly), which I now see I couldn’t deal with any other way than to medicate it away with food. The hunger dam broke and the dragon took over. The first time it happened fast, within a month, the second time I fought it and it took a year. But it happened—regain PLUS—both times. (We can let go fast or we can let go slow, the speed with which we tumble back into the abyss has little to do with whether we are headed there.)

I have seen exactly two lowcarbers get all the way to goal doing this, two VERY determined (to do it THEIR way) lowcarbers. Both had experienced significant regain the last time I heard about them.

THIS time, when the same emotional challenge (which I now believe was my “core” one) came up, I was at goal, but I wasn’t hungry, and because I was eating NO trigger foods, I had essentially zero physical cravings to contend with. I was operating with a fully (but not OVERLY) stocked furnace, not a constantly on the verge of sputtering out. I wasn’t in a pattern of fighting to keep my weight down by semi-starving, I was only in a pattern of MANAGING my weight/hunger. What a BIG difference! This time, when the emotional challenges surfaced, I was not in a state of “light” starvation,” I was not in any way undone by hunger, so it wasn’t nearly so difficult to say “well, hmmmmmmmm. What in the world is going on with me here?” And so instead I could, and did, calmly decide to go ahead and just “follow” those emotions (intrustive thoughts that seemed to come out of nowhere) and see where they led.

I just put up an old post of mine that relates just a little to that, called Going Into the Pain. Not because it would be terribly helpful to you right now, Laina, but because it’s what I suspect Mary is beginning to face, and maybe Christina too, I dunno. I do think that for seriously emotionally entangled eaters/addicts, this is the next and ultimately necessary part of the journey after goal.

We gotta get you to goal before we can begin to explore the possibility of any of this with you. But if you get yourself to goal by trying to just white knuckle through calorie-deprived hunger, you know, UNTIL you get what you want, can you imagine how undone you’re gonna feel when you get the idea—the one that we ALL struggle with to some degree or another—that we’re done, we SHOULD be able to waggle at least a little, sometimes now (there’s another addict’s favorite word, SHOULD).

You’re at the place where, in my observation, your body may require some minor (or maybe just more consistent) changes in your eating toward pure. The price you pay for deviations away from that might surprise you, and as a result you will be tempted to find a way (ie., lower calorie) around being so stringent. This is all the stuff you have to work out in your last Layer.

I think the big challenge addicts face is “organizing and evening out” our eating, that is, using food as fuel, keeping our furnace as cleanly and evenly stoked as possible by eating steady steady steady (Mary and I have come to call this SSS), consistently, day after month after year. When that’s firmly in place with a consistent diet of adequate (not barely minimal!) calories and fat and, in my experience, ONLY when that’s set, we can let the emotional parts of this settle in around that firmer foundation.

Report back here soon Laina!

Adele (139 this morning)
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168/140, Size 16/8
Lowcarbing 9+ years
Maintaining at goal 6+ years
Moderator/Owner
adele@leadwiththediet.com

Last Edited Adele on 2-Aug-2006 8:43 AM

It feels like it is time to make my Fitday public. I don't know why I feel so hesitant - maybe because then there is really no place to hide and to tell the truth, I am done with hiding. I want to succeed and like I have said a number of times, I am willing to do what it takes. If there is anything I need to adjust please let me know. I know I could probably up my calories a little since I am eating around my BMR level and and you have suggested about 200 calories above. You also mentioned that my body may require some minor (or maybe just more consistent) changes in my eating toward pure. I would appreciate your feedback. Thanks.

Laina

275/169.8/130

www.fitday.com/WebFit/PublicJournals.html?Owner=laina+l

Are you ready to acknowledge that part of your life-long-term problem pattern is trying to “bargain” with calories? Gotta stop see-sawing with that and just fuel the furnace as evenly as possible. You’re a dancer, right? You need fuel!

I looked at your Fitday, your pie-charts (percentages) look great, except for on 8/2 and 8/3. You’re barely getting enough protein, you should be closer to 100 grams (maximum ~130, minimum 65 grams). If your appetite truly is low, then eat even more carbs (veggies!) and it will slowly even out. You might be eating just a little too much fat (percentage wise) which will over-depress your appetite. Try to find the right balance, but get your fuel intake EVEN, girl.

I’m glad you braved the waters to post the truth. Keep us posted honey.

Adele (141 this morning)
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168/140, Size 16/8
Lowcarbing 9+ years
Maintaining at goal 6+ years
Moderator/Owner
adele@leadwiththediet.com

Thank you for looking over my Fitday entries. I checked my BMR again and it is now 1440. This means I have been eating too little and I am working at correcting this. I used to eat way too much protein and so have been cutting back on that. Obviously a little too drastically. I notice that some fear is surfacing about increasing my food and I know I just have to push through. 'Bargaining with calories' seems about right!

Something else I have become aware of is how much of a workaholic I am. I find it very difficult to just stop and relax. I keep filling all the spaces with stuff to do. I am very aware that this is related to something you Adele have pointed out - that us addicts find quiet disconcerting. I notice that when I have a leisure day, I feel hungrier or rather I feel like I want more, and I kind of feel unsettled. What helps is to keep busy and so I hardly let myself relax. I am trying to be aware of allowing more space, spending more time with my husband and doing more self nurturing type of things. I am also aware that it is a process and I need to go gently. I suppose the word here is ABIDE.

A challenge I have set myself is a 10km walk on Sunday morning which takes place through a game reserve. It is the first time I have entered a 'race' and although I have not really been training it just felt right. I am looking forward to it and even if I do not manage within the time limit, I will still get the T Shirt! *grin*
Watch this space!

Much Love,
Laina

275/168/130

For the rest of today I am going to try and allow myself a leisure day and just sit in the sun and read. I wonder...
Got to try and do this without eating any more than planned.

I also noticed that I am up a pound after increasing the food, so a little wobbly about that, but trust that my body will find its way. I keep re-reading those posts from Mary and Debby about how that was for them. I feel encouraged to trust the process.

Laina

275/169/130

I have been struggling to try and find the outward expression of who I am now inside. By this I mean that many things have changed for me - how I feel about myself, how I relate in the world, my shape and size, how I move, what I do etc. I have been struggling to find a way to be and look more authentically me instead of playing out the old conditioned patterns. What I kept feeling was that I don't know who I am anymore, I don't know what I like, or how to dress. What my friend reminded me of is that I actually do. I have been in a kind of helpless mode, slightly dis-empowered and feeling like I need to now be something else, trying to emulate rather than to be more of who I essentially am. I got in touch with a much more stronger sense of self and the desire to express this. I don't know if this makes any sense but it has been a huge AHA moment for me. What comes in its wake is such a feeling of excitement, inspiration, energy and focus.

I went shopping for new clothes and jewellery and feel like I am eventually starting (baby steps) to be true to myself, my own sense of style (which I might add is very different) but which I have almost never allowed, preferring instead to conform. This may seem insignificant to some, but for me this is a huge step. I have always used my weight and shape (short and squat) as the reason why I could never really dress the way I wanted to, then it was not appropriate for my work etc etc. All the while it has simply been that I never really dared to show myself, preferring to hide (behind the fat and excuses.) Now that the fat is disappearing, these issues are pushed to the fore and need to be faced and dealt with. The good news is that I thought it would be something to dread, but instead it has been hugely empowering. Perhaps this is the kind of thing one needs to face with the last layer!

I am still Gold Standard and feel very easy around the food right now. I love the feeling of balance and ease. Perhaps that is why there is space to look at these other issues.

Much Love,
Laina

275/167/130

Laina, since I started eating what I have come to call gold standard lowcarb, I honestly feel more aligned (philosophically anyway) with vegetarians than I do other lowcarbers. In fact, there are no other lowcarbers—even “regular ones” in my social circle any more (the few who were have all fallen away from it), but there are several vegetarians with whom I share mealtimes regularly.

I think there is a whole new mindset that will emerge if you let it, especially when you’re the age you and I are, and to me it appears this might be happening with you? I think to some (especially younger ones?) this can be a little frightening, and thus a cause of bolting back to using. Glad that you haven’t so far!

I got in touch with a much more stronger sense of self and the desire to express this. I don't know if this makes any sense but it has been a huge AHA moment for me. What comes in its wake is such a feeling of excitement, inspiration, energy and focus.

I like to express this as peeling away “layers of insincerity.” You are now getting to the real, authentic you, and it all makes total sense to me. This is what I mean by what will happen if you will lead with a natural, clean lowcarb diet, as opposed to a complicated “game-playing and bargaining” one

I went shopping for new clothes and jewellery and feel like I am eventually starting (baby steps) to be true to myself, my own sense of style (which I might add is very different) but which I have almost never allowed, preferring instead to conform. This may seem insignificant to some, but for me this is a huge step. I have always used my weight and shape (short and squat) as the reason why I could never really dress the way I wanted to, then it was not appropriate for my work etc etc. All the while it has simply been that I never really dared to show myself, preferring to hide (behind the fat and excuses.)

I also think the entire concept of HIDING (in plain sight) is a huge element of this whole journey, and leading with the diet = slowly coming out of hiding, out of our self-imposed caves from where we sort of liked to view the world. (Make sense?) Some people (including me) report feeling sort of naked for a long time at this place on the path, and I think this is what makes so many folks so especially vulnerable to cheating—and thus chucking it all—at this point. They bolt back to the familiar cave.

Now that the fat is disappearing, these issues are pushed to the fore and need to be faced and dealt with. The good news is that I thought it would be something to dread, but instead it has been hugely empowering. Perhaps this is the kind of thing one needs to face with the last layer!

I am still Gold Standard and feel very easy around the food right now. I love the feeling of balance and ease. Perhaps that is why there is space to look at these other issues.

I definitely believe that this is part of why this happens—when we lose our preoccupation with food we have a surprising amount of time on our hands. (Newbies will call it “boredom”) It’s also a place of quiet—which addicts can often find disquieting. Sounds to me like, so far, you’re doing some high quality self-examination and moving yourself slowly away from your old comfort zones.

I love it, Laina.

Adele (141 this morning)
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168/140, Size 16/8
Lowcarbing 9+ years
Maintaining at goal 6+ years
Moderator/Owner
adele@leadwiththediet.com

Last Edited Adele on 23-Aug-2006 11:39 AM

Tomorrow I am off to an 'Image Workshop' - another step to re-defining who I am becoming or perhaps simply re-defining who I truly am! It feels a little scary since I don't really know what to expect and we will be a group of about 15 women, but it's time to be daring! I keep reminding myself that I can take what is valuable and leave the rest.

Then I am away for 4 days attending another ballet related workshop. I have prepared lots of food to take with me and I am feeling strong and confident about this trip. I will report back on my return.

Best Wishes,
Laina

275/167/130

Last Edited laina on 23-Aug-2006 1:04 PM

The last few weeks have been really hectic for me, but I am pleased to say that despite lots of stress, I have not ever thought of eating off plan, or even being tempted to deviate. What I find much more difficult is the tendency to not eat enough when I am busy (I never thought I would ever have this problem!) I am very aware that my temptation is to eat less to lose more, and despite knowing what I know, that temptation is very strong in me still. It is almost as if I still can hardly believe that I am allowed to eat this much food and still lose weight and remain really healthy. It is working so know it to be true, and yet ...I suppose this is my big challenge that I have to conquer.

This past week I received many accolades for my teaching (we did studio ballet exams and my students all passed with top honours) and so I am feeling encouraged and affirmed. This
supports my growing self esteem and I notice that my attitude towards myself and my body is getting healthier. I also have enjoyed the 'make over' and have a new hair stlye and color, new make-up and a wardrobe of new clothes! Today I cleaned out my cupboards and removed all the clothes that no longer fit me (ie the ones that are now way to large - yay!) I noticed my attachment to the old comfy things and had to remind myself that I deserve only the best and that it is time to let go the old and embrace the new. Quite challenging!

At the end of next week I am off yet again for two weeks - one week to examine and then a weeks holiday with my husband. Once again I have provided the teachers with a very specific list of what I can and cannot eat and I am sure they will respect that. It is always quite difficult to not be in control of my food when I am away, but I remind myself that I am always in control of what goes into my mouth. No excuses. So although it is challenging to stay Gold Standard when I travel, it is possible and I plan to do just that.

Adele, I have missed your wise words these last few weeks although I do understand that you have been busy and that at certain times other things are the priority. I continue to learn and grow from the sharings offered here and I am grateful.

With Love,
Laina

275/164/130

You don’t have to conquer anything Laina. You just have to let it happen. This is not a fight, it is a surrender, honest. Think about that and report back, okay? (grinning)

Adele
(142 this morning)
----------
168/140, Size 16/8
Lowcarbing 9+ years
Maintaining at goal 6+ years
Moderator/Owner
adele@leadwiththediet.com

Last Edited Adele on 10-Sep-2006 1:55 PM

Laina

275/164/130

Just a quick update. I am doing great. Still feeling very free around the food and I just love the feeling. Yesterday we went out for lunch and there was obviously some spice on my chicken and the reaction in my body was almost immediate. My wrist joint got very painful and this morning it is in my knee as well. It's just not worth it! The weight is also still moving slowly downwards and I am very happy about that. In fact, I am lower than I ever have been with low carb and I can really feel myself getting thinner. Such a celebration!

I also want to let you know that I am off tomorrow on my examining stint. I will be away for two weeks and I hope to be able to report on a successful trip in all ways when I get back.

Much Love,
Laina

275/162/130

I did drink much more coffee than I usually do - up to three cups per day, without milk but with Splenda and I was reading that for people with Candida coffee may do it, or perhaps even the artificial sweeteners. The coffee made me realise again what an addictive nature I have and how easy it is for me to get into compulsive patterns. I started craving the coffee and I know that it could very easily spiral out of control. Today being back home I have decided to cut the coffee out completely and I am finding it very difficult. I feel uneasy, sort of looking for something, unable to settle. The dragon is definitely stirring and I am just making sure that I keep my tank really well fuelled with good food and I am drinking lots of water.

The last few days of holiday I had lots of free time and I spent a lot of time in shopping malls. I noticed that I wanted to buy things just for the sake of buying and I realised that in the past few weeks I have spent an awful lot of money on myself. It started off in a really good way - like being good to me and redefining and changing my image etc, but I now recognise that it has become a compulsive behaviour too. Thank heaven for awareness. I have now recognised what is happening and I can hopefully stay present and aware. I do not want to replace one compulsive behaviour with another.

I also felt a little disappointed when I got on the scale this morning after not having weighed myself for two weeks. I find it difficult not to weigh myself daily when I am away and but it is impossible to take the scale with me, especially if I fly. I had only lost 2 pounds and I suppose because I was with people that had not seen me for a long time I was feeling quite thin, and so I was imagining having lost much more weight. But when I think about it rationally this it seems crazy. Two pounds in two weeks is great especially two weeks of holiday! So I am just being a little irrational and silly. And I suppose me feeling like I am is a combination of all the above factors.

I wish I could just be at home for the next couple of days and relax in my safe space, get back into routine and into familiar patterns. However, it's back to work tomorrow and so on we go!

Much Love,
Laina

275/160/130

A quick check in. Things are still going well and I am feeling very motivated and focused. Today I joined a yoga class for the first time and I really enjoyed it. I know I am going to be pretty sore tomorrow but it is a great feeling to feel muscles that I have not felt for a long time. On Thursday mnorning I have an appointment with a personal trainer and I am looking forward to getting into a regular training routine. Up until now my exercise has been very start stop and I know I need to make a focused commitment to my well being. Moving around while I am teaching does not really do it for me and I need to dedicate time to my own training schedule.

Something I read in a book today really resonated for me. It said "Getting in shape is not about the pursuit of perfection. It is about the pursuit of excellence... Excellence does not involve trying to be the best, it means making your best effort in whatever you do."

Another quote "It's not what you start in life - it's what you finish." This felt so true for me. How many times have I started losing weight, but I have never finished and kept it off. This is the time!

Laina

275/158/130

Last Edited laina on 10-Oct-2006 2:42 PM

Need to check in. I am falling back into into the old habit of wanting to eat less food since my weight is kind of hovering and I thought that maybe if I say this out loud, I will become more conscious of my self sabotage. My life has been so hectic lately and I have felt so stressed that it has almost been an excuse to eat less.

My all or nothing attitude has created such pressure since I decided to start both yoga and working out with a personal trainer (one after the other) and then straight into seven hours of teaching ballet. I have been absolutely exhausted the last few days and have really not been coping. So as of now I have decided to let go of the personal trainer, since I really love the yoga and have to kind of grit my teeth to go to the trainer, and just go back to walking three times a week. I know that I really have to enjoy what I do in order to maintain it long term. I really want to let go of struggle and allow more ease into my life.

I am still finding it difficult to give up the coffee and I am allowing myself one cup of real good coffee a day. It is not extreme and I really enjoy it so I guess it is OK for now. I drink it black with one Splenda. I have read great reports about Xylitol. What do you think of it as an AS alternative? Methadone? I have cut out diet drinks completely as well as everything else artificially sweetened as it really does not agree with me. The one splenda per day seems to be OK. However, I am still having some reaction in my body from time to time - sore and swollen joints - and I cannot identify what it is from. My diet is Gold Standard, anti yeast, no spices, nothing processed. Any thoughts?

So, I am making a commitment to myself to even out my eating and to start posting regularly on Fitday again.

Thanks,
Laina

275/157.5/130

I dunno Laina, I wouldn’t be too worried about the coffee, in moderation MOST addicted eaters seem to be okay with that, or perhaps it’s low on the list of things to peel away.

However, this is NOT SO with Splenda. Addicted eaters sure seem to do poorly with that absolutely every single time, if not in the short term, definitely in the long term. (It’s a lot like peanuts in that way. Sooner or later it seems to have a strong pull toward escalating into more and more things with Splenda, more and more methadone.)

Can you acknowledge that when you are using Splenda your diet is not Gold Standard—that the filler contains sugar and it is processed? My thoughts? Seems pretty clear to me it’s become a bargaining chip honey.

My take on this is that if you want to include coffee, then you should start working to learn to enjoy it unsweetened. You might do that by drinking a cup unsweetened now and then, just to keep your taste buds reminded that it is an option. If you must have sweetener, then I’d suggest using switching to liquid saccharin or pure stevia powder, neither of which contain dextrose as a filler (which is essentially powdered corn syrup!). Neither will taste as “good” as Splenda, but I would think of that as a good thing, that should hasten your shift to unsweetened.

Adele (144 this morning)
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168/140, Size 16/8
Lowcarbing 10+ years
Maintaining at goal 6+ years
Moderator/Owner
adele@leadwiththediet.com

Last Edited Adele on 22-Oct-2006 6:04 PM

I have noticed some reaction after eating 'clean' foods only seasoned with salt and pepper and was wondering whether pepper could be a problem. Or maybe it is the beef. This process of elimination is really difficult. It seems my choices are getting narrower. I am ok with a limited choice of food though and actually enjoy the repetitive nature of my eating - a trait I think I have in common with many on this list. Simple really does seem to be better.

Poised at the beginning of a new week, I am hoping to be more balanced and less hectic. 'Gently does it' is my mantra for now.

Thanks,
Laina

275/157/130

Laina

275/157/130

I started drinking black coffee (and tea) some months ago when I (finally) gave up dairy. I HATED IT! I started drinking less and less of it and thought I would eventually give it up altogether as it just wasn't worth it to drink it black.

Now, as long as it is freshly brewed good coffee, I love it black.

My suggestion is to give up the sweetener altogether. You will get used to it eventually and come to prefer it that way. I don't think that we will ever see any artificial sweetener that has no ill side effects.

Linda
todays weight: 147.5
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LWTD Mar 17/06
At Goal Since: Aug 4, 2006
238/150/150

I couldn't agree more. Laina, you're looking for a substitute for a substitute here, there's a big clue that you're using coffee as a conduit for delivery of "sweet". Could you be clinging to/bargaining with that?

I don't know what kind of xylitol you're looking at--it's not commonly available in stores in the US as a stand-alone sweetener, with or without dextrose fillers. But here's an interesting little tidbit I found about it on a site that sells 100% pure xylitol: "the amount of xylitol required to sweeten drinks such as lemonade, can cause diarrhea in some people until they become accustomed to it.

I also agree with Linda that GOOD, FRESH ground and brewed coffee is great without sweetening, and you CAN (probably more easily than you think) learn to enjoy it.

Adele (144 this morning)
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168/140, Size 16/8
Lowcarbing 10+ years
Maintaining at goal 6+ years
Moderator/Owner
adele@leadwiththediet.com

It has been a long while since I have last posted. Life is full and busy and the weeks just seem to rush by, especially at this time of the year.

I am doing really well - just going along day by day. I have some days that are truly effortless and others that seem a little more challenging. But the thing that never changes is what I choose to do each day. The food remains non-negotiable and it still amazes me (and delights me too) how secure that decision is. I sometimes read how people go on and off LC and I realised that if this is considered a diet, it will be something that will be start stop. In order to be really committed I have to accept that this is the only way I can live to be free of the addiction and cravings. There are really no other options for me. So it is simply a matter of getting on with it.

I really examined the coffee issue and Adele you were correct in suggesting that it was my way to get the 'sweet' taste. The one cup of coffee has really been my daily treat and I suppose in that way I have been using it as a bargaining chip. I am committed to eliminating the sweetner and enjoying it 'au naturel'. I know it is possible because I never thought I could enjoy coffee black and now I I love an expresso and would never dream of spoiling it by adding milk.

The weight continues to drop - slowly and steadily and that makes me happy. I am so committed to getting to goal and staying there. 24 pounds to go! I find it interesting to notice some comments I have been getting from various people. Some like wow and others tell me I am getting too thin, getting lined and wrinkled, now don't get anorexic, etc etc. These usually come from family members that are a little heavy themselves, or I suppose from people that have seen me go up and down over the years and are probably thinking that this is another one of those times. I suppose I do have a history of being a little extreme! What is different this time though is how sure I feel that I have found my way and it is not just a trial and error thing. I know this is what works for me and that this is it for life. Sounds very dramatic, but I think it has been an important part of my acceptance deep down. I am not naive enough to think it will always be easy and that there won't be some serious challenges along the way, but for now, one day at at time, it's good.

What I am needing to learn is how to cope with a very full, stressful, though joyous life. I am still manifesting illness (cold/flu/cold sores) whenever I get too busy and too stressed. I know it is my body's way of telling me to slow down and rest, but there seems to be no time to do that. So I just do the best I can. I have discovered that 'balance' is a real learning for me. Trying to stay in that still centre of the hurricane. Got to just keep practising!

Thanks to you all for continuing to share. I learn so much from your journeys.

Much Love,
Laina

275/154/130

Last Edited laina on 7-Nov-2006 1:16 PM

Nothing much to report back on but I think it is time for an update. Things are still going very well. I am thrilled with the peace and ease around food at this time and feel very calm going into six weeks of holiday time. It will be much less structured and definitely a more relaxed time and I hope that this in itself will not cause too much of a problem. Going by what I am feeling today it should all be fine, BUT things can and do change...

I will be travelling a fair amount in the next three weeks and then will have all the family returning home for Christmas. I feel very comfortable with my routine and with the way I am now eating and I realised when I was talking to my mom, that I am eventually at peace with the idea that this is how I will eat forever. She was going on about my very strict 'diet' and don't I ever miss this or that. What I said was that I now know that eating that pasta or whatever, equals 275 pounds and I am never going back there. It is a deep calm knowing - nothing like I have ever felt before. I am not saying it will always be easy, but I know that something essential has changed in me - perhaps the acceptance that I am and will always be an addict. I have the strong conviction that this time it is possible to get thin and stay thin - a feeling I have never had before.

May you all have a blessed festive season.
Laina

275/150/130

Assuming you mean your TIME will be much less structured and not your food/diet, surely you can be confident that things will be as fine as they can be. Just keep first in your mind that if food tends to take over the lead of your emotions, especially certain foods (and that trait is what I believe separates and defines us as addicts), the prerequisite of avoiding food bargaining is the way to keep things as fine as they can be. Remember Laina, the diet leads. You can “change things” by your eating choices without anything else changing at all.

She was going on about my very strict 'diet' and don't I ever miss this or that.

She was worried about and trying to “help” you manage your feelings. Psychologists have a word for this—projecting. She was projecting how she thinks she would feel, and therefore you MUST feel from eating the way you are choosing to right now. What’s interesting to me about this (utterly common) exchange is two-fold. First is her notion that all of your feelings SHOULD be pleasant, that if you ever have conflicting feelings that is a situation which needs to be addressed or changed. Second, is that she feels it necessary/helpful that she point this out and somehow question that perhaps you NEED her help with this “problem”.

And yet the truth is she’s just being a mom, and I struggle very hard with these same ridiculous yearnings myself. She fiercely and forever wants to protect her child from feeling any pain.

It is a deep calm knowing - nothing like I have ever felt before. I am not saying it will always be easy, but I know that something essential has changed in me - perhaps the acceptance that I am and will always be an addict. I have the strong conviction that this time it is possible to get thin and stay thin - a feeling I have never had before.

I know exactly what you’re talking about Laina—I think you’re continuing to move closer to inner peace with all this. It is the beginning of the process of moving from acceptance to Surrender. I believe I first “accused” you of moving in this direction back in September, right? (wink!) This is where I’ve found longer-term abstinence will lead.

What I hope others can take note of here is that you’ve kept going, you didn’t thwart the growth, you’ve kept tentatively moving in the same (sometimes scary) direction and, because you’re staying on course, because you’ve stopped running back to the old behaviors, you’re falling deeper and deeper into the place you thought you wanted to go—even though it’s not turning out to feel or be exactly as you thought it would.

Laina, I have just been re-reading (and lightly trimming up) your thread. I want to say what a pleasure it continues to be to watch your gradual, gentle changes. I think others can learn a stunning amount from your journey. Thank you.

Adele (142 this morning)
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168/140, Size 16/8
Lowcarbing 10+ years
Maintaining at goal 7+ years
Moderator/Owner
adele@leadwiththediet.com

Last Edited on 30-Nov-2006 9:21 AM

I am off from work for the next month and I am hoping that the more relaxed time at home will not find me wanting to eat more (the relief binge story). I know my decision to lead with the diet is strong and I will not waver with that, but I really don't want that restless feeling that can often happen instead of the peace. I suppose I should not anticipate and simply take each day as it comes.

I re-read a couple of essays and the current threads and it was again comforting to read that the want probably never goes away. It is simply making the clear choice not to act out the want. The missing link for me all these years has been in the action. Just doing it no matter what. It gives one such a sense of self respect and honour. I have never felt trust worthy before and I really like the feeling.

Love
Laina

275/149/130

Last Edited on 18-Dec-2006 11:07 AM

A check in. This holiday time has been quite a mixed bag for me. We had all three children and partners staying for about a week and I had sort of forgotten how much work it is to take care of other people's needs a lot of the time. I did it willingly and with an attitude of service and so that felt good. However, I often put myself at the bottom of the list and that did not always serve me. I have continued to make wise eating choices but noticed that I often felt deprived and wanting something. I am grateful that I never allowed myself to give into any of the wants - it is not an option - but I disliked feeling that sense of unease. It has now passed and I am feeling comfortable and in balance again.

The weight loss is very slow at this time but I know that is to be expected as there is less and less to lose. I am grateful it is still going down, however little. I still have some way to go to goal. I have been receiving many comments from people telling me to stop losing weight now and I am so clear that there is nothing to stop. I am not on a diet, and what I am doing now is what I will continue to do because it is what works for me. I trust my body will find its natural resting place. I notice that even this thing about getting to goal has lessened in importance. It was so important when I started and it came with a very focused, one pointed kind of energy. Almost like a braced, tightly clenched feeling, a gotto to do it. I really want lightness and ease in my life and that means a relaxing into how things are. Accepting and yielding to whatever comes (the feelings) and still taking the necessary action. The surrender you spoke of Adele.

I put that in place for myself and have slowly been able to let go of all of the social and familial fallout from being different that way. It has distilled into nothing more than “she’s a little odd about food” for others. That was very worth waiting out.

I still have to go through the journey of the social conditioning and the expectations of the people around me. I look forward to the day when it is no big deal to anyone, not even myself!

I wish you all a very Happy New Year!

Much Love,
Laina

275/148.5/130

Last Edited on 12-Jan-2007 3:15 PM